Ladies! Heavens it has been since 12/13 since I wrote here. Well - lets blame it on a very bad head cold and the holidays. I have really just tried to get through the holidays and get healthy again. I still have the sniffles, but that could be in part the fat free 1/2 & 1/2 in my coffee.
So, I haven't over done it by too much or stuck to any eating plan. I haven't really excersise this whole time. And this week I am on vacation so all bets are off. Come the new year I will get back to my routine - my yougurts are waiting.
So - to my dish for the week. I am trying a Weight Watchers recipe - honey ginger chicken. It is suppose to be on squwirs but I am just going to bake it in the marinate. Honey - ginger - oj - soy sauce - hausin sauce ( I think I have that right) - garlic and pepper. Right now the chicken is marinating and I will cook it up either later this afternoon or tomorrow. I am going to put it wilde rice. That should make a good meal.
In other news: I signed up for a couple of speed dating outings. The first one is tonight. I am both excited and a little terrified. I am not sure what I am going to wear. The next outing is Friday 1/6 at a gallery for wine and cheese. I will let you know how it goes. My approach to this evening is to just have fun and meet some new people. I was just think what kind of ice breaker question would I ask - what is your favorite thing to do on weekends? or what are you passionate about? what do love about life? Well - these are all good things to dream about.....
Thursday, December 29, 2011
Tuesday, December 13, 2011
As strong as I may seem from last night post, I am not. I was a crying mess last night - touching old wounds from cancer that I had forgotten about, but that now sent me into an emotional set of rapids of tears. Maybe I am getting better at seeing the hurt, naming it, sharing the story, braking the silence and then letting the emotion go - and maybe - in time - forgiving. Last night I was vulnerable and hurt all over again. This again has been a lesson in feeling the hurt, knowing the poison of these hurt thoughts, addressing them and trying to forgive, both myself and my family.
Monday, December 12, 2011
Facing Fears and Curry Chicken Soup
First facing fears: I have been in an emotional commotion for a few days, about New Year's. I have decided this year that I didn't want to be alone like I was last year. I have been working with my VT niece about going up there, but all kinds of old family fears came tumbling into my tummy and eyes, causing me upset. Well, in writing a poem I was able to name those fears, put all of them down in writing - and something said in me "NO! your fears do not control you - you control them!" and I also realized how desperate, even pathetic I sounded. So while New Year's isn't definitely decided yet, I feel I can make a calmer, empowered choices instead of sniveling and sniffling through it in tears and feeling miserable. I said to my fears "I hear you - I love you - I know your hurts and frustrations - but you can't make decisions - I have to make them - I know you are scared - but we can't go through life afraid - so let's get on with it and have some fun."
I know it is on some level profound - to be able to work through this to get to the empowered place - and I am getting better at seeing the patterns and facing the fears and taking better control of my choices.
Which leads to Lindt chocolates - I got some on Sunday evening when I was feeling miserable - but here is the little bit of accomplishment - I didn't devour ALL of them trying to comfort my fears and tears. I actually stopped without finishing the whole bag! I have chocolates I can enjoy to night. And while I was eating them, I took time to really enjoy their very smooth chocolate-ness.
So, this all kind off leads around to Chicken Curry Corn Chowder! A and I met on Friday in Grand Central and had soup for dinner - Chicken Curry Corn Chowder. It was delicious. I was inspired to try and make it myself. It seems that lately I am into making big pots of soups and chilli (last week it was chilli) and eating all week long. It does make food prep for the week very easy. I added coconut milk to the soup which makes it taste wonderfully rich and smooth. So tonight along with my Chicken Curry Corn Chowder I will have wild rice and Lindt chocolates.
I know it is on some level profound - to be able to work through this to get to the empowered place - and I am getting better at seeing the patterns and facing the fears and taking better control of my choices.
Which leads to Lindt chocolates - I got some on Sunday evening when I was feeling miserable - but here is the little bit of accomplishment - I didn't devour ALL of them trying to comfort my fears and tears. I actually stopped without finishing the whole bag! I have chocolates I can enjoy to night. And while I was eating them, I took time to really enjoy their very smooth chocolate-ness.
So, this all kind off leads around to Chicken Curry Corn Chowder! A and I met on Friday in Grand Central and had soup for dinner - Chicken Curry Corn Chowder. It was delicious. I was inspired to try and make it myself. It seems that lately I am into making big pots of soups and chilli (last week it was chilli) and eating all week long. It does make food prep for the week very easy. I added coconut milk to the soup which makes it taste wonderfully rich and smooth. So tonight along with my Chicken Curry Corn Chowder I will have wild rice and Lindt chocolates.
Friday, December 9, 2011
Silly dancing girl
Sooooo.................I got back to dancing tonight. The Nutcracker was my inspiration and the fact that I listened to my body. As tired as I have felt lately - I realize that my body was aching to move - it wanted to stretch and move - so I listened. I was listening to the Nutcracker on the way home and I just turn in to a little silly girl when I hear the closing waltz. I just want to twirl around and float around my very small room waving my arms in all kinds of elegant directions. I just feel so silly and happy. And then I put on my French itunes dance station and used some of zumba moves to keeping going for another 15 minutes. So, there you go - I am back to dancing!!!
Thursday, December 8, 2011
catching up
"Brain in Brain - What is Brain?" - from the original Star Trek
That is what I feel like, a little today, thoughts scattered. So I think I will just chatter here:
Planning the holiday - I have been trying to figure out when I am going to do my holiday baking. I need to devote a couple of solid days where baking is going to be the main activity. So I think I am going to do my one day of holiday running around this weekend and move the baking off to next weekend and right before xmas, since I have 12/23 off.
Holiday funkiness: I have been feeling my "left-out-of-my-family" feeling again. This comes from growing up basically as an only child, but with 4 older brothers and sisters. I haven't really felt part of their family/my family. This is something I have struggled with all my life and now with the situation changing with my parents and the holidays, I am feeling it again. It is a sorrow that I am missing something just out of my reach. I was never involved in their lives and they were not involved in mine. Now, if I keep going I will get all weepy and I really don't want to go there right now.
Chilli - I made chilli last weekend and the key spices I used where celery salt, cayenne pepper (not too hot), parsley and cocoa. Well, since cocoa has caffeine in it, I think that is why I have been up late all this week. I wish they could make a caffeine free cocoa, because it really tastes good in the chilli.
I haven't gotten back to my Zumba yet, but plan to. Last weekend I got lots done on Saturday, but then Sunday every muscle, especially in my legs ached, I mean really hurt, especailly the back of my legs. It didn't seem to me I did anything that strenuous or unusual on Saturday. Maybe it was something 'leftover' from the flu I had over Thanksgiving. So I have taken time to let that heal before getting back to dancing. Today! and it will help with the holiday funk.
Actually - I am feeling pretty good about my eating routine/habits right now. I feel like I have finally found a good combination. I haven't been tracking on WW as rigourously as I should - maybe this is an excuse - okay it is an excuse - the holidays - I just don't want to stress too much about food. I want to mindful and stick to my routine as much as possible and not freak out about food - so I am going to stick with my routine and excuse for now.
Okay - that is enough chatter for now.
I feel a little better.......
That is what I feel like, a little today, thoughts scattered. So I think I will just chatter here:
Planning the holiday - I have been trying to figure out when I am going to do my holiday baking. I need to devote a couple of solid days where baking is going to be the main activity. So I think I am going to do my one day of holiday running around this weekend and move the baking off to next weekend and right before xmas, since I have 12/23 off.
Holiday funkiness: I have been feeling my "left-out-of-my-family" feeling again. This comes from growing up basically as an only child, but with 4 older brothers and sisters. I haven't really felt part of their family/my family. This is something I have struggled with all my life and now with the situation changing with my parents and the holidays, I am feeling it again. It is a sorrow that I am missing something just out of my reach. I was never involved in their lives and they were not involved in mine. Now, if I keep going I will get all weepy and I really don't want to go there right now.
Chilli - I made chilli last weekend and the key spices I used where celery salt, cayenne pepper (not too hot), parsley and cocoa. Well, since cocoa has caffeine in it, I think that is why I have been up late all this week. I wish they could make a caffeine free cocoa, because it really tastes good in the chilli.
I haven't gotten back to my Zumba yet, but plan to. Last weekend I got lots done on Saturday, but then Sunday every muscle, especially in my legs ached, I mean really hurt, especailly the back of my legs. It didn't seem to me I did anything that strenuous or unusual on Saturday. Maybe it was something 'leftover' from the flu I had over Thanksgiving. So I have taken time to let that heal before getting back to dancing. Today! and it will help with the holiday funk.
Actually - I am feeling pretty good about my eating routine/habits right now. I feel like I have finally found a good combination. I haven't been tracking on WW as rigourously as I should - maybe this is an excuse - okay it is an excuse - the holidays - I just don't want to stress too much about food. I want to mindful and stick to my routine as much as possible and not freak out about food - so I am going to stick with my routine and excuse for now.
Okay - that is enough chatter for now.
I feel a little better.......
Saturday, December 3, 2011
Daily Om: Essential Authenticity
I had to share this with you this morning! - From the Daily OM
December 2, 2011Essential Authenticity
Revealing Your True Self
Identity is an elusive concept. We feel we must define ourselves using a relatively small selection of roles and conscious character traits, even if none accurately represents our notion of "self." The confusion surrounding our true natures is further compounded by the fact that society regularly asks us to suppress so much of our emotional, intellectual, and spiritual vibrancy. Yet we are, in truth, beings of light—pure energy inhabiting physical bodies, striving for enlightenment while living earthly lives. Our true selves exist whether we acknowledge them or not, often buried under fears and learned behavior. When we recognize our power, our luminosity, and our divinity, we cannot help but live authentic lives of appreciation, potential, fulfillment, and grace.
At birth and throughout your childhood, your thoughts and feelings were more than likely expressions of your true self. Though you may have learned quickly that to speak and act in a certain fashion would win others' approval, you understood innately that you were no ordinary being. There are many ways you can recapture the authenticity you once articulated so freely. Meditation can liberate you from the bonds of those earthly customs that compel you to downplay your uniqueness. Also, communing with nature can remind you of the special role you were meant to play in this lifetime. In order to realize your purpose, you must embrace your true self by letting your light shine forth, no matter the consequences.
Rediscovering who you are apart from your roles and traits takes time and also courage. If, like many, you have denied your authenticity for a long while, you may find it difficult to separate your true identity from the identity you have created to cope with the world around you. Once you do find this authentic self, however, you will be overcome by a wonderful sense of wholeness as you reconcile your spiritual aspect and your physical aspect, as well as your inner- and outer-world personas. As you gradually adjust to this developing unity, your role as a being of light will reveal itself to you, and you will discover that you have a marvelous destiny to fulfill.
Our true selves exist whether we acknowledge them or not, often buried under fears and learned behavior.
December 2, 2011Essential Authenticity
Revealing Your True Self
Identity is an elusive concept. We feel we must define ourselves using a relatively small selection of roles and conscious character traits, even if none accurately represents our notion of "self." The confusion surrounding our true natures is further compounded by the fact that society regularly asks us to suppress so much of our emotional, intellectual, and spiritual vibrancy. Yet we are, in truth, beings of light—pure energy inhabiting physical bodies, striving for enlightenment while living earthly lives. Our true selves exist whether we acknowledge them or not, often buried under fears and learned behavior. When we recognize our power, our luminosity, and our divinity, we cannot help but live authentic lives of appreciation, potential, fulfillment, and grace.
At birth and throughout your childhood, your thoughts and feelings were more than likely expressions of your true self. Though you may have learned quickly that to speak and act in a certain fashion would win others' approval, you understood innately that you were no ordinary being. There are many ways you can recapture the authenticity you once articulated so freely. Meditation can liberate you from the bonds of those earthly customs that compel you to downplay your uniqueness. Also, communing with nature can remind you of the special role you were meant to play in this lifetime. In order to realize your purpose, you must embrace your true self by letting your light shine forth, no matter the consequences.
Rediscovering who you are apart from your roles and traits takes time and also courage. If, like many, you have denied your authenticity for a long while, you may find it difficult to separate your true identity from the identity you have created to cope with the world around you. Once you do find this authentic self, however, you will be overcome by a wonderful sense of wholeness as you reconcile your spiritual aspect and your physical aspect, as well as your inner- and outer-world personas. As you gradually adjust to this developing unity, your role as a being of light will reveal itself to you, and you will discover that you have a marvelous destiny to fulfill.
Wednesday, November 30, 2011
bubbling over
I just have to write here this morning. I have finally gotten over my thanksgiving illness, what ever kind of cold/flu it was and put me out for 5 days! I didn't eat much for 5 days. I did have fish and chips, and
strawberry/rhubarb pie for thanksgiving at my local Irish pub. All other
days where kind of a haze of 1940's Charlie Chan and Sherlock Holmes
movies!
So, today the sun is shining and I feel good. I have noticed that some of my clothes are loser - nice feeling. I am getting in the Yuletide spirit by listening to christmas music and especially watching my list of xmas movies - last night was "The Shop Around the Corner" with James Stewart and Margaret Sullivan. I did see "The Grinch who Stole Christmas" Chuck Jones cartoon over the weekend. I think tonight will be the "Nutcracker". I hope to get my tree up this weekend, find blue xmas lights.
I haven't been doing zumba dancing over the last couple of weeks - but I hope to get back to it soon. The exercise really does help take the pounds off.
I did start a list of what I was grateful for on Thanksgiving, but didn't get far since I wasn't in much of a mood to write with my head feeling like a cement bowling ball. So I will modestly say that what I am thank for today is sunshine, christmas music, breath, warm showers and feeling good!
So, today the sun is shining and I feel good. I have noticed that some of my clothes are loser - nice feeling. I am getting in the Yuletide spirit by listening to christmas music and especially watching my list of xmas movies - last night was "The Shop Around the Corner" with James Stewart and Margaret Sullivan. I did see "The Grinch who Stole Christmas" Chuck Jones cartoon over the weekend. I think tonight will be the "Nutcracker". I hope to get my tree up this weekend, find blue xmas lights.
I haven't been doing zumba dancing over the last couple of weeks - but I hope to get back to it soon. The exercise really does help take the pounds off.
I did start a list of what I was grateful for on Thanksgiving, but didn't get far since I wasn't in much of a mood to write with my head feeling like a cement bowling ball. So I will modestly say that what I am thank for today is sunshine, christmas music, breath, warm showers and feeling good!
Tuesday, November 22, 2011
what I am thankful for today
I have been trying to practice gratitude over the last week or so.
Some days are great and some days are like today. I can list what I am
grateful for - but I am not feeling the gratitude - until this
afternoon, so here goes
I am thankful I have a job where I can be quiet and let sometimes troubling things just be
I am thankful for the November roses still blooming in the rose garden at work
I am thankful for the oak tree I walk around
I am thankful for the autumn leaves on the ground that I can playfully shuffle through
I am thankful I am going to talk to my therapist tonight - to help with all this Thanksgiving stuff
I am thankful for my breath - as I draw it in and let it go
These little gratitudes have helped me through this day.....
I am thankful I have a job where I can be quiet and let sometimes troubling things just be
I am thankful for the November roses still blooming in the rose garden at work
I am thankful for the oak tree I walk around
I am thankful for the autumn leaves on the ground that I can playfully shuffle through
I am thankful I am going to talk to my therapist tonight - to help with all this Thanksgiving stuff
I am thankful for my breath - as I draw it in and let it go
These little gratitudes have helped me through this day.....
The Ice Cream got me!!!
Saturday night - after the red tent temple on the way home I was
thinking about Priscilla and I wanted something creamy. I didn't have
any yogurt in the house so I got some Ben and Jerry's everything but the
ice cream. I thought ( ha) that I could just have 1/2 the pint - but it
was so hard to scoop out that I just did the whole thing - and it
tasted good. Well, there we go, that is that.....
Sunday I didn't feel great, so I went back to be, proceeded to get a migraine - I haven't had one of those in a couple of years and lounge my way through the rest of the day.
Today is kind of blah - I really wanted to crawl under a rock this morning. I am thinking about Thanksgiving - and having a little panic because I am not going home. My parents have gone through some big changes this year but I want to be in NYC part of the weekend to visit Priscilla in the hospital and maybe get a burger with her husband George. I really feel kind of torn about this holiday. I struggle with hanging out this new people and I struggle with hanging out with my family. Honestly I have been feeling a little lonely.
I am not so worried about Thanksgiving day and over eating - it is a day to enjoy good food and good people and I intend on doing both without reservation. I am researching recipes for a pear cobbler without gluten, eggs or dairy - well I might use butter. I am going to use almond flour and maybe add apples or apricot jam to my creation. I am also bringing a pumpkin pie for dessert.
Sunday I didn't feel great, so I went back to be, proceeded to get a migraine - I haven't had one of those in a couple of years and lounge my way through the rest of the day.
Today is kind of blah - I really wanted to crawl under a rock this morning. I am thinking about Thanksgiving - and having a little panic because I am not going home. My parents have gone through some big changes this year but I want to be in NYC part of the weekend to visit Priscilla in the hospital and maybe get a burger with her husband George. I really feel kind of torn about this holiday. I struggle with hanging out this new people and I struggle with hanging out with my family. Honestly I have been feeling a little lonely.
I am not so worried about Thanksgiving day and over eating - it is a day to enjoy good food and good people and I intend on doing both without reservation. I am researching recipes for a pear cobbler without gluten, eggs or dairy - well I might use butter. I am going to use almond flour and maybe add apples or apricot jam to my creation. I am also bringing a pumpkin pie for dessert.
Friday, November 18, 2011
Body Loving
The night turned chilled
From the first of the winter rains
Inside the dark room
Red, pink and purple Christmas lights
Magic color glowed
I naked on the bed
Dreaming of body love
Filling every cell with luminous
Pink glitter light
Saying
I am sorry
For all the harm
I unthinkingly subjected you to
In the sorrow
I opened all of me
To tingling light awareness
Caressing me
Inside and out
Lusciously loving all my wiggly curves
My heart was awake
Both sorrow and joy
Wanting to burst this container
To let love fly in the night
Thursday, November 17, 2011
I got this from a blog I read every day and has helped me to love my more. The blog is Lessons from a Recovering Doormat by Daylle Deanna Schwartz. Here is today's blog post:
I know other authors have said similar things - but since I have been focusing on self love as part of reducing my weight I thought this was a good post, especially the bottom about self-love and asking ourselves what is right with me - versus what is wrong......So, what is right with you? How can you move to what is right for you? to self-love.
Honestly - as I sat here and reread this - I tapped into my deep self- love and let it fill all of me - and then I started to cry because it is hard for me to remember being told affirmations or that someone loved me - it just urges me to want to love me more, and I want to share affirmations and love with those who have loved me as I am right now. So to my girl posse - DJ, RP, AC, PC - I love you!!!
I’m delighted to have Dr. Mark Chironna, certified life coach, author, and spiritual director as my guest today. Dr. Chironna’s authentic and compassionate approach to purposeful, destiny-infused living has transformed lives everywhere through one-on-one mentoring, speaking engagements, print and electronic media. His book, Live Your Dream, is an inspiring and practical handbook for strategic living. His latest release, 7 Secrets to Unfolding Destiny, is a practical, interactive tool that will help you reach your full potential.
With Self-Love Month approaching in January, I talked Dr. Chironna and asked him to share some of his insights with you. Finding your purpose is an act of self-love. If you can tap into your own destiny, you give yourself a major key to happiness. That’s definitely a loving place to be! Here’s what he had to say:
Why do you think many people don’t live their dreams? I believe at least in portion that one of the reasons is, first and foremost, they don’t know how to get from where they are to where they want to be. Sometimes the root of that stuck state is tied to second guessing their own capability, capacity and competency to get there because by the time they’re 18 years old they’ve heard negative and non-affirming statements millions of times more than they’ve heard affirming statements. In spite of these incredible in-built desires that can lead them to the kind of outcomes they deeply long for, they fight within themselves in a way because they’re constantly having to overcome the kind of negative self-talk that’s gotten so deeply imbedded they’re not even fully conscious of it anymore. 70% of negative self-talk goes undetected by the conscious mind. The lions share of those negative belief systems are at work under the surface until we learn how to unearth them and look at them face to face to get unstuck.
How can someone begin to find their purpose when they’re stuck? The reality is more people than not are in their predicament because they have spent a good portion their growing up years listening to what others told they should, they ought, they must do. They never gave themselves permission to ask “Are those things congruent with who I am?” Your identity is your destiny and when you’re told you should, ought or must do this, all very unaffirming drivers which negate any road away from genuine self-esteem, and self-acceptance, you end up living to please other people. And you spend all your energy making them accept you rather than you coming to terms with being comfortable in your own skin so you can bring your unique factor to the table and give legitimate voice to who you really are. The real issue in terms of what do you do begins with asking the question “Who am I?” because your identity is ultimately your destiny.
How does fear hold us back? Most people live in what they believe is their comfort zone, which is an illusion. It’s a little box that you oscillate back and forth in between fear of failure and fear of success. You never get out of the box because when you get too close to failure, you put on all the effort you can to not deal with the fear of failure so you run back to success. But when you get too close to success you question whether you have the capacity to handle it so unknowingly you sabotage yourself and head back towards the fear of failure. I call that the comfort zone because it’s the place we’ve become comfortable operating but not the place we’re intended to operate from.
I have found that the fear of failure and fear of success are the polarizing factors around which the other fears constellate. You’ve got to learn to face those fears down, and challenge them, argue with them and not assume that just because you’re feeling them it’s who you are. At the core of your being, who you are is far greater than that.
Why do you think so many people don’t love themselves? There is a medical term that [the late] Dr. Conrad Baars, an eminent psychiatrist called it–deprivation neurosis. He meant that oftentimes in life, no one gives us the gift of affirmations so we never can become who we are and celebrate who we are. Significant others have always praised our performance or demanded perfect performance and never simply celebrated our essence. When I don’t get the gift of affirmation that is absolutely tied to who I am as apart from what I do, I end up believing I have to do to become who I am.
With that we set up a whole cycle of pain, disappointment and sabotage because no one has ever said “You’re a wonderful person” or “I love you.” All of us growing up need someone who offers us that unconditional love and affirmation. If you didn’t get it you need to figure out how to appropriate it into your own life with your own disciplines and practices and also by building relationships with people who are not toxic or dysfunctional. [You need} someone who genuinely cares about you and can mirror back that you’re a good person and have gifts and capacities. All of us struggle with this. To me the key to why people don’t celebrate who they are is they don’t feel good about themselves. They feel they don’t measure up.
How would you define self-love? When I’m talking about self-love I’m not talking about an egocentric narcissist, consumed with myself, which is born out of insecurity. Self-esteem is a feeling, a reflection of the respect, love and value you have for yourself. It’s a skill that has to be developed. We’re not taught that skill in school. At some point you have to understand that you have to affirm and value who you are. If you don’t, you can’t give anyone else anything because you can’t give what you don’t have.
When people are in low ego, it means they are really comfortable in their skin. They don’t have to prove anything to anyone. They celebrate who they are and are in very high esteem because nobody can take away from them the value they know they’re worth. They live an affirming lifestyle and treat themselves in ways that they would like to be treated. Someone who is truly living an affirming lifestyle has the ability to bring others people into aliveness because they’re not carrying around the excess baggage of trying to please anybody else. They’re done playing that game.
How can people increase their self-love? You can spend the rest of your life looking at what’s wrong with you. Then you have people in positive psychology movement like Martin Seligman who ask, “What’s right with me?” Learning how to apply those principles helps you build up a reserve internally of affirming feelings and a sense of being motivated to getting your want to like yourself back. Then your how to will follow. If you work with these principles, they will work with you. In my opinion they’re inexorable laws. They govern the functioning of human existence. When we can tap into those things we can sit back and let those principles operate in us and bring us into a real sense of freedom and self-worth and, all that’s tied to learning how to appropriately and diligently love who we are.
–Check out Dr. Mark Chironna‘s latest book, 7 Secrets to Unfolding Destiny.
Read more: http://blog.beliefnet.com/lessonsfromarecoveringdoormat/2011/11/finding-your-purpose-with-dr-mark-chironna.html#ixzz1dzGxfGOg
I know other authors have said similar things - but since I have been focusing on self love as part of reducing my weight I thought this was a good post, especially the bottom about self-love and asking ourselves what is right with me - versus what is wrong......So, what is right with you? How can you move to what is right for you? to self-love.
Honestly - as I sat here and reread this - I tapped into my deep self- love and let it fill all of me - and then I started to cry because it is hard for me to remember being told affirmations or that someone loved me - it just urges me to want to love me more, and I want to share affirmations and love with those who have loved me as I am right now. So to my girl posse - DJ, RP, AC, PC - I love you!!!
I’m delighted to have Dr. Mark Chironna, certified life coach, author, and spiritual director as my guest today. Dr. Chironna’s authentic and compassionate approach to purposeful, destiny-infused living has transformed lives everywhere through one-on-one mentoring, speaking engagements, print and electronic media. His book, Live Your Dream, is an inspiring and practical handbook for strategic living. His latest release, 7 Secrets to Unfolding Destiny, is a practical, interactive tool that will help you reach your full potential.
With Self-Love Month approaching in January, I talked Dr. Chironna and asked him to share some of his insights with you. Finding your purpose is an act of self-love. If you can tap into your own destiny, you give yourself a major key to happiness. That’s definitely a loving place to be! Here’s what he had to say:
Why do you think many people don’t live their dreams? I believe at least in portion that one of the reasons is, first and foremost, they don’t know how to get from where they are to where they want to be. Sometimes the root of that stuck state is tied to second guessing their own capability, capacity and competency to get there because by the time they’re 18 years old they’ve heard negative and non-affirming statements millions of times more than they’ve heard affirming statements. In spite of these incredible in-built desires that can lead them to the kind of outcomes they deeply long for, they fight within themselves in a way because they’re constantly having to overcome the kind of negative self-talk that’s gotten so deeply imbedded they’re not even fully conscious of it anymore. 70% of negative self-talk goes undetected by the conscious mind. The lions share of those negative belief systems are at work under the surface until we learn how to unearth them and look at them face to face to get unstuck.
How can someone begin to find their purpose when they’re stuck? The reality is more people than not are in their predicament because they have spent a good portion their growing up years listening to what others told they should, they ought, they must do. They never gave themselves permission to ask “Are those things congruent with who I am?” Your identity is your destiny and when you’re told you should, ought or must do this, all very unaffirming drivers which negate any road away from genuine self-esteem, and self-acceptance, you end up living to please other people. And you spend all your energy making them accept you rather than you coming to terms with being comfortable in your own skin so you can bring your unique factor to the table and give legitimate voice to who you really are. The real issue in terms of what do you do begins with asking the question “Who am I?” because your identity is ultimately your destiny.
How does fear hold us back? Most people live in what they believe is their comfort zone, which is an illusion. It’s a little box that you oscillate back and forth in between fear of failure and fear of success. You never get out of the box because when you get too close to failure, you put on all the effort you can to not deal with the fear of failure so you run back to success. But when you get too close to success you question whether you have the capacity to handle it so unknowingly you sabotage yourself and head back towards the fear of failure. I call that the comfort zone because it’s the place we’ve become comfortable operating but not the place we’re intended to operate from.
I have found that the fear of failure and fear of success are the polarizing factors around which the other fears constellate. You’ve got to learn to face those fears down, and challenge them, argue with them and not assume that just because you’re feeling them it’s who you are. At the core of your being, who you are is far greater than that.
Why do you think so many people don’t love themselves? There is a medical term that [the late] Dr. Conrad Baars, an eminent psychiatrist called it–deprivation neurosis. He meant that oftentimes in life, no one gives us the gift of affirmations so we never can become who we are and celebrate who we are. Significant others have always praised our performance or demanded perfect performance and never simply celebrated our essence. When I don’t get the gift of affirmation that is absolutely tied to who I am as apart from what I do, I end up believing I have to do to become who I am.
With that we set up a whole cycle of pain, disappointment and sabotage because no one has ever said “You’re a wonderful person” or “I love you.” All of us growing up need someone who offers us that unconditional love and affirmation. If you didn’t get it you need to figure out how to appropriate it into your own life with your own disciplines and practices and also by building relationships with people who are not toxic or dysfunctional. [You need} someone who genuinely cares about you and can mirror back that you’re a good person and have gifts and capacities. All of us struggle with this. To me the key to why people don’t celebrate who they are is they don’t feel good about themselves. They feel they don’t measure up.
How would you define self-love? When I’m talking about self-love I’m not talking about an egocentric narcissist, consumed with myself, which is born out of insecurity. Self-esteem is a feeling, a reflection of the respect, love and value you have for yourself. It’s a skill that has to be developed. We’re not taught that skill in school. At some point you have to understand that you have to affirm and value who you are. If you don’t, you can’t give anyone else anything because you can’t give what you don’t have.
When people are in low ego, it means they are really comfortable in their skin. They don’t have to prove anything to anyone. They celebrate who they are and are in very high esteem because nobody can take away from them the value they know they’re worth. They live an affirming lifestyle and treat themselves in ways that they would like to be treated. Someone who is truly living an affirming lifestyle has the ability to bring others people into aliveness because they’re not carrying around the excess baggage of trying to please anybody else. They’re done playing that game.
How can people increase their self-love? You can spend the rest of your life looking at what’s wrong with you. Then you have people in positive psychology movement like Martin Seligman who ask, “What’s right with me?” Learning how to apply those principles helps you build up a reserve internally of affirming feelings and a sense of being motivated to getting your want to like yourself back. Then your how to will follow. If you work with these principles, they will work with you. In my opinion they’re inexorable laws. They govern the functioning of human existence. When we can tap into those things we can sit back and let those principles operate in us and bring us into a real sense of freedom and self-worth and, all that’s tied to learning how to appropriately and diligently love who we are.
–Check out Dr. Mark Chironna‘s latest book, 7 Secrets to Unfolding Destiny.
Read more: http://blog.beliefnet.com/lessonsfromarecoveringdoormat/2011/11/finding-your-purpose-with-dr-mark-chironna.html#ixzz1dzGxfGOg
Doing okay on little sleep - body image and mindless eating
You know! - I thought I would be grumpy and tired today because I had a strange night's sleep. I did get to sleep for a little while and then around 1ish I woke up and didn't get back to sleep until 3. In the two hours I fussed a little, got up and finished making egg salad for today's sandwich, took a shower and then played solitaire until my eyes couldn't stay open. I think my insomnia may have had something to do with this aromatherapy oil that I love - I put little dabs on my pillow and sheets but my brain was enjoying the scent so much that I could get back to sleep.
So last night D and I had our bi-weekly girls chat. We could talk forever and not get bored! We talked about food, weight, body image, my friend in the hospital, Thanksgiving.
One thing that really has me thinking today is body image. This comes from not only my own struggle with my body image, but from the exercise and mediation I share here yesterday. I have been thinking about those parts of my body I don't love, the bat wings on my arms, my belly, my gooble turkey chin! I like the mediation because it helps me names the good things about these parts of my body - like - my arms are strong to lift and carry things - well - that is where I get stuck - so I think I can work on this! Now I can write grateful things about other parts of my body - but loving those tough parts seems like I good place to start to really love my body.
D and I also talked at length about eating habits and eating in a mindful way - like mediating as we eat - focusing on the food, taste, texture, and whether we are really enjoying the food or eating it out of habit. Now, both of us found it hard to go as far as turning off our TVs to do this mediation - since we are both single - but I do like taking time to be more mindful - to do a 'food check-in' by slowing eating down and eating without a lot of distraction - to check-in with myself to see if I am really enjoying what I am eating versus just doing mindless eating.
So last night D and I had our bi-weekly girls chat. We could talk forever and not get bored! We talked about food, weight, body image, my friend in the hospital, Thanksgiving.
One thing that really has me thinking today is body image. This comes from not only my own struggle with my body image, but from the exercise and mediation I share here yesterday. I have been thinking about those parts of my body I don't love, the bat wings on my arms, my belly, my gooble turkey chin! I like the mediation because it helps me names the good things about these parts of my body - like - my arms are strong to lift and carry things - well - that is where I get stuck - so I think I can work on this! Now I can write grateful things about other parts of my body - but loving those tough parts seems like I good place to start to really love my body.
D and I also talked at length about eating habits and eating in a mindful way - like mediating as we eat - focusing on the food, taste, texture, and whether we are really enjoying the food or eating it out of habit. Now, both of us found it hard to go as far as turning off our TVs to do this mediation - since we are both single - but I do like taking time to be more mindful - to do a 'food check-in' by slowing eating down and eating without a lot of distraction - to check-in with myself to see if I am really enjoying what I am eating versus just doing mindless eating.
Wednesday, November 16, 2011
Gratitude and your body
From Joanna Lindenbaum - I had to share this with you - I have recently rediscovered my sensuous body after battling cancer 20 months ago. Now this might help me another step along the way:
Ever wondered what your body has to do with gratitude? My good friend, Amanda Moxley, brilliantly explains to connection between the two. Amanda is a Body Transformation Expert and Coach who first transformed her own unhealthy relationship with food, body image and body size from a size 14 to a size 4 naturally and without going to extreme measures. Amanda is a board-certified holistic health coach, yoga teacher, certified social worker (CSW) and an award-winning business owner. She is an avid world traveler, wife and mother. For free gifts and more go to www.AmandaMoxley.com. If you’ve ever struggled with your weight, body image, emotional eating, or self sabotage with food, Amanda’s “Get YOUR Ultimate Body in 30 Days Guided Visualization” and the “Love Your Belly Guided Visualization” will allow you to discover the SOUL root of the issue and get you on track to feeling radiantly healthy, energized and alive. Grab your free mp3’s here.
How to Transform Your Body into the Body of YOUR Dreams through Gratitude
by Amanda Moxley
How often throughout your day do you catch yourself thinking or feeling thoughts about not liking your body, or wishing it looked different, or beating yourself up about not eating the right thing, or being mad at yourself because you let yourself down again by not keeping your commitments and intentions to yourself or calling yourself fat or feeling frustrated because your clothes don’t fit?
Tune in to your inner dialogue today and measure on a scale from 1-10, 10 being your highest how much energy, feelings, thoughts and time you are spending on thinking negatively about your body, body image, size or food.
What’s your number? I’ve coined that number your Body Barrier™ number.
Using the POWER of gratitude, let’s channel your Body Barrier™ number into your heart’s true desires!
Love is the ONLY ABSOLUTE.
Love is the highest VIBRATION.
According to Heart Math Institute the heart is 5000 times more powerful than the brain. Transforming your body requires you to move deeper into LOVE and this can be easily done by being grateful.
Step 1: Think of the body part you may have disowned or that you deeply dislike.
Step 2: Sit in a quiet and safe place. Enjoy some deep nourishing breaths. Conjure up all of the unkind thoughts, feeling and emotions you express to your disowned body part on a daily basis.
Step 3: Think about a person in your life who you LOVE whole heartedly and unconditionally. It could be your child, sister, mother or niece.
Step 4: Imagine saying the mean things you express to yourself habitually every day of your life to your beloved.
Step 5: Can you do it?
Step 6: AH HA! Do you see now? You wouldn’t and couldn’t ever express any of the mean things you say to yourself daily (some of you for 20 plus years) to your beloved. So, why are you doing this to yourself?
Step 7: Place your hands on your disowned or deeply disliked body part and imagine you have white light in your hands, breathe this light into your body.
Step 8: Have a heart to heart with your body. Tell it you are sorry and that you never knew how mean you were being to it. Tell it you love it and will do anything to heal your relationship.
Step 9: What about this particular body part are you grateful for? Mentally or physically write down everything you are grateful for about this body part.
Daily Body Transformation Ritual
Every morning and evening when you are lying in bed, place your hands on your body and breathe love and gratitude into it. Mentally go through every reason why you are grateful for your body. Next, dedicate a special gratitude journal to your body and write 5 ways in which you are grateful for your body today. Please do NOT repeat the same 5 things every day! This will stretch your imagination and your appreciation muscles!
Your body was meant to be healthy and vibrant. Trust the simplicity of this exercise and watch your body transform before your eyes over then next month.
Radiantly yours,
Amanda
Ever wondered what your body has to do with gratitude? My good friend, Amanda Moxley, brilliantly explains to connection between the two. Amanda is a Body Transformation Expert and Coach who first transformed her own unhealthy relationship with food, body image and body size from a size 14 to a size 4 naturally and without going to extreme measures. Amanda is a board-certified holistic health coach, yoga teacher, certified social worker (CSW) and an award-winning business owner. She is an avid world traveler, wife and mother. For free gifts and more go to www.AmandaMoxley.com. If you’ve ever struggled with your weight, body image, emotional eating, or self sabotage with food, Amanda’s “Get YOUR Ultimate Body in 30 Days Guided Visualization” and the “Love Your Belly Guided Visualization” will allow you to discover the SOUL root of the issue and get you on track to feeling radiantly healthy, energized and alive. Grab your free mp3’s here.
How to Transform Your Body into the Body of YOUR Dreams through Gratitude
by Amanda Moxley
How often throughout your day do you catch yourself thinking or feeling thoughts about not liking your body, or wishing it looked different, or beating yourself up about not eating the right thing, or being mad at yourself because you let yourself down again by not keeping your commitments and intentions to yourself or calling yourself fat or feeling frustrated because your clothes don’t fit?
Tune in to your inner dialogue today and measure on a scale from 1-10, 10 being your highest how much energy, feelings, thoughts and time you are spending on thinking negatively about your body, body image, size or food.
What’s your number? I’ve coined that number your Body Barrier™ number.
Using the POWER of gratitude, let’s channel your Body Barrier™ number into your heart’s true desires!
Love is the ONLY ABSOLUTE.
Love is the highest VIBRATION.
According to Heart Math Institute the heart is 5000 times more powerful than the brain. Transforming your body requires you to move deeper into LOVE and this can be easily done by being grateful.
Step 1: Think of the body part you may have disowned or that you deeply dislike.
Step 2: Sit in a quiet and safe place. Enjoy some deep nourishing breaths. Conjure up all of the unkind thoughts, feeling and emotions you express to your disowned body part on a daily basis.
Step 3: Think about a person in your life who you LOVE whole heartedly and unconditionally. It could be your child, sister, mother or niece.
Step 4: Imagine saying the mean things you express to yourself habitually every day of your life to your beloved.
Step 5: Can you do it?
Step 6: AH HA! Do you see now? You wouldn’t and couldn’t ever express any of the mean things you say to yourself daily (some of you for 20 plus years) to your beloved. So, why are you doing this to yourself?
Step 7: Place your hands on your disowned or deeply disliked body part and imagine you have white light in your hands, breathe this light into your body.
Step 8: Have a heart to heart with your body. Tell it you are sorry and that you never knew how mean you were being to it. Tell it you love it and will do anything to heal your relationship.
Step 9: What about this particular body part are you grateful for? Mentally or physically write down everything you are grateful for about this body part.
Daily Body Transformation Ritual
Every morning and evening when you are lying in bed, place your hands on your body and breathe love and gratitude into it. Mentally go through every reason why you are grateful for your body. Next, dedicate a special gratitude journal to your body and write 5 ways in which you are grateful for your body today. Please do NOT repeat the same 5 things every day! This will stretch your imagination and your appreciation muscles!
Your body was meant to be healthy and vibrant. Trust the simplicity of this exercise and watch your body transform before your eyes over then next month.
Radiantly yours,
Amanda
Tuesday, November 15, 2011
Blue Tuesday
Here is a little accomplishment I am celebrating - I went to Whole
Foods last night to pick up a few things. It was late. I had just seen
my friend in the hospital and had 1 beer with her husband. I DID NOT
succumb to buying a sweet. I seriously considered it - I checked out the
cakes and cookies and chocolates, but in the end I said no to myself.
The fact is I really didn't want it, I wasn't really interested in
having a sweet. I had some sweet earlier in the day - chocolate covered
peanuts - so I didn't need more. I am proud of myself that even though I
tempted myself by checking out the goodies, in the end I just didn't
bother.
So, why blue today - well it is gray in NYC today - I am worried about my friend in the hospital - recovery isn't going to be as easy as we thought. I did a lot of walking this past weekend and I am still sore and tired. I did get a good night's sleep but I wanted to stay home today and do the chores I didn't have a chance to to this past weekend and just catch up a little. It gets me down sometimes being single and having to everything. I know not to be too hard on myself but when I get tired, I tend to feel this more keenly. The tired being combined with my friend in the hospital is bringing me down a little today.
So, why blue today - well it is gray in NYC today - I am worried about my friend in the hospital - recovery isn't going to be as easy as we thought. I did a lot of walking this past weekend and I am still sore and tired. I did get a good night's sleep but I wanted to stay home today and do the chores I didn't have a chance to to this past weekend and just catch up a little. It gets me down sometimes being single and having to everything. I know not to be too hard on myself but when I get tired, I tend to feel this more keenly. The tired being combined with my friend in the hospital is bringing me down a little today.
Monday, November 14, 2011
Good weekend
Wow - I had a good weekend with good food and lots of good walking.
Saturday I hung out with my friend Christina in Long Island City. I wanted to see if I would like moving there as I might have to move in the next couple of years. I wasn't crazy about LIC for a place to move to but I loved Cafe Henri - a little french restaurant. I had the best Eggs Benedict I have had in a long time and the portions where sane! Eggs Benedict - it is all about the hollandaise sauce - and here they used butter and I could tell - but it tasted so good. And I walked most of it off that afternoon wandering around LIC.
Then Sunday. I was pretty tired from Saturday, and achy from all that walking, but I got myself out of the door because I was hanging out with my foodie friend Beth. So from French to Maine Lobster! We went to a tiny place on Amsterdam and 81 that had the BEST lobster rolls, and just perfect for lunch! And again did a fair amount of walking to work it off. I did have some birthday cake yesterday to - a little vanilla and a little chocolate - the chocolate was the best! That will keep me for a while.
Now today I am visiting a friend in the hospital - so I bought lunch today and I had 1/2 my lunch at lunch time and I am saving the other half for 'dinner' - just before I leave work so I won't be ravenous when I get home later tonight.
I may not have kept to entirely to the eating healthier when eating out plan, but I feel good about this weekend. I had a great time with friends and I had good food - and I didn't over do it and I didn't overly worry about it. Tonight maybe a challenge if I meet George, my friends husband, and we head out from the hospital together, we might get a bite to eat and a drink. I am not sure I have a plan for that. Sometimes you just have to go with the flow.
Saturday I hung out with my friend Christina in Long Island City. I wanted to see if I would like moving there as I might have to move in the next couple of years. I wasn't crazy about LIC for a place to move to but I loved Cafe Henri - a little french restaurant. I had the best Eggs Benedict I have had in a long time and the portions where sane! Eggs Benedict - it is all about the hollandaise sauce - and here they used butter and I could tell - but it tasted so good. And I walked most of it off that afternoon wandering around LIC.
Then Sunday. I was pretty tired from Saturday, and achy from all that walking, but I got myself out of the door because I was hanging out with my foodie friend Beth. So from French to Maine Lobster! We went to a tiny place on Amsterdam and 81 that had the BEST lobster rolls, and just perfect for lunch! And again did a fair amount of walking to work it off. I did have some birthday cake yesterday to - a little vanilla and a little chocolate - the chocolate was the best! That will keep me for a while.
Now today I am visiting a friend in the hospital - so I bought lunch today and I had 1/2 my lunch at lunch time and I am saving the other half for 'dinner' - just before I leave work so I won't be ravenous when I get home later tonight.
I may not have kept to entirely to the eating healthier when eating out plan, but I feel good about this weekend. I had a great time with friends and I had good food - and I didn't over do it and I didn't overly worry about it. Tonight maybe a challenge if I meet George, my friends husband, and we head out from the hospital together, we might get a bite to eat and a drink. I am not sure I have a plan for that. Sometimes you just have to go with the flow.
Friday, November 11, 2011
Friday morning
Well the coffee is helping feel better this morning.
Now I feel really good! I just set up my first appointment to see a therapist in the middle of January. I had to do it then because of financial reasons, but the appointment is made! I feel really good about this.
So now, back to other things.
A - I tried rice cakes last night! okay I over did it a little - but boy are they good. Each rice cake is only 1 point in WW so I think I found a new crunch for me. I even put a little avocado on one of the cheddar cheese ones and that was delicious.
Last night I also did a zumba routine - 35 minutes - if felt really good to stick to my exercise goal yesterday. I did have some aches and pains this morning - the coffee if helping with those.
Last night and today I have been thinking about hiding and weight. Now I am using hiding in a number of different ways. Hiding my bodacious self behind weight - hiding by not changing eating habits - hiding in fear - hiding my voice - hiding with unresolved emotions.
quick update: I will be eating out this weekend, so I am well aware of trying to change a pattern is scary. I will make better food choices when I go out to eat this weekend. I will let you know how it goes.
Now I feel really good! I just set up my first appointment to see a therapist in the middle of January. I had to do it then because of financial reasons, but the appointment is made! I feel really good about this.
So now, back to other things.
A - I tried rice cakes last night! okay I over did it a little - but boy are they good. Each rice cake is only 1 point in WW so I think I found a new crunch for me. I even put a little avocado on one of the cheddar cheese ones and that was delicious.
Last night I also did a zumba routine - 35 minutes - if felt really good to stick to my exercise goal yesterday. I did have some aches and pains this morning - the coffee if helping with those.
Last night and today I have been thinking about hiding and weight. Now I am using hiding in a number of different ways. Hiding my bodacious self behind weight - hiding by not changing eating habits - hiding in fear - hiding my voice - hiding with unresolved emotions.
quick update: I will be eating out this weekend, so I am well aware of trying to change a pattern is scary. I will make better food choices when I go out to eat this weekend. I will let you know how it goes.
Thursday, November 10, 2011
having cake and eating it too
So - this has been wandering around in my brain for a couple of days. Along the lines of changing patterns - changing thoughts. A year ago when I started WW I thought I could have my cake and eat it too. I resisted changing that pattern (and maybe I still do a little) - but I now see that I have let go of that belief and thought pattern. So, I am going to put the cookies, cakes, ice cream, chips, burgers, pancakes, in a special occasion place, not to be banished completely, but rather put in the a rarely consumed category. I am also going to look for healthy choices when I go out for a meal. By putting this in such a positive action statement brings that positive energy to it. I don't want to just try - I want to do this. It is making a deeper commitment to myself to eat healthier. By writing it here I put it out to the world and want to be held accountable for it.
Tuesday, November 8, 2011
being honest - making changes
After talking yesterday about addressing some desires that aren't working for me I find that being honest about them, with you and myself, and talking about them it feels to me like those unhealthy desire can now shift - I don't feel as much resistance to changing them.
I did a zumba routine last night and I was able, for the first time in a long time, to keep within my daily WW points. Now there is accomplishment!
I did a zumba routine last night and I was able, for the first time in a long time, to keep within my daily WW points. Now there is accomplishment!
Monday, November 7, 2011
breaking a habit
"The system [of pledging to break a bad habit] does not strike at the root of the trouble, and I venture to repeat that. The root is not the drinking, but the desire to drink. These are very different things. The one merely requires will--and a great deal of it, both as to bulk and staying capacity--the other merely watchfulness--and for no long time. The desire of course precedes the act, and should have one's first attention; it can do but little good to refuse the act over and over again, always leaving the desire unmolested, unconquered; the desire will continue to assert itself, and will be almost sure to win in the long run. When the desire intrudes, it should be at once banished out of the mind. One should be on the watch for it all the time--otherwise it will get in. It must be taken in time and not allowed to get a lodgment. A desire constantly repulsed for a fortnight should die, then. That should cure the drinking-habit. The system of refusing the mere act of drinking, and leaving the desire in full force, is unintelligent war tactics, it seems to me."Twain was, of course, discussing the manner in which a person should break a bad habit. Habits, he tells us (using drinking as his prime example), have two components: the act and the and the desire to commit that act. In order In order act to avoid an act, to break a habit, Twain suggests that we must remove the desire, not merely cease the act, for the desire will always manifest eventually.
I found this on the ADF site and immediately thought of comfort food - or rather food that I still really want to eat but shouldn't. The point of this post is not where or not I should or should not eat certain food - rather, what caught my eye was the desire to commit the act - the desire to eat cookies, cakes, pastries, etc. Yes I can change the act - but have I changed the desire for these foods - honestly - NO. I still desire the burgers, key lime pie, martinis, cookies, ice cream etc. All I am saying is maybe if I change my desire for these foods, along with the pattern, I will have a better chance of not over indulging in them on a regular basis, rather I can enjoy occasionally.
I think getting to the desire, and the thoughts that desire brings, and as Twain says When the desire intrudes, it should be at once banished out of the mind. Banishing those thoughts/desires when they come - getting the mind to think of something else - anything else - any healthier thoughts would begin to change that desire. Even though I desire to reduce my weight my desire for those other foods is almost stronger.
I just had a thought also about these comfort foods - that in conquering the desire - I almost wanted to say I have to banish eating entirely - and some part of me said 'NO' - don't banish them completely - you truly do enjoy them.
Even in conquering the desire - maybe if that is conquered - then maybe when I do eat these comfort foods I won't feel so ravenous or deprived when I eat them - but rather enjoy them as they are - good food that I really like.
Starting a new week
So, I had a pretty good weekend! I did my cooking and attended a Samhain ritual on Saturday and yesterday I did church, a quick meeting and then home to relax and watch the NYC Marathon. It is nice having a balanced weekend with just right amount of rest and activity, especially after a week filled with personal Samhain celebrations and personal upset.
So, now begins another week. Back to the Zumba dancing and back to the a normal food routine.
I am noticing the leaves change color - I have a oak tree at work that I visit, near the rose garden. Her leaves are turning golden yellow. I rescued a November rose - the blossom was too heavy for the stem - now it sits on my desk.
It feels good to start with winter season - this season of letting go and going inward.
So, in talking to my therapist on Friday we talked about comfort foods and the reasons why they are comfort foods and why we need comfort foods - Here is an idea - maybe I can change to healthier comfort foods? I am have been giving some thought to what those food might be - yogurt is one that immediately comes to mind. If I can find healthier comfort foods then I leave all those sweet, rich, creamy, crunchy foods that are now my comfort foods to really special occasions.
So, now begins another week. Back to the Zumba dancing and back to the a normal food routine.
I am noticing the leaves change color - I have a oak tree at work that I visit, near the rose garden. Her leaves are turning golden yellow. I rescued a November rose - the blossom was too heavy for the stem - now it sits on my desk.
It feels good to start with winter season - this season of letting go and going inward.
So, in talking to my therapist on Friday we talked about comfort foods and the reasons why they are comfort foods and why we need comfort foods - Here is an idea - maybe I can change to healthier comfort foods? I am have been giving some thought to what those food might be - yogurt is one that immediately comes to mind. If I can find healthier comfort foods then I leave all those sweet, rich, creamy, crunchy foods that are now my comfort foods to really special occasions.
Thursday, November 3, 2011
Celebrating Samhain
Well - I did my political protest and mischief making going to Occupy Wall Street - NYC on Sunday afternoon.
Monday I celebrated the Wiccan/Celtic New Year with special food and watching Charlie Brown "Great Pumpkin" and doing a little spell of releasing and consulting Runes. I stayed up until the wee hours watching a Hope/Crosby "Road" movie.
Tuesday I had lunch - more like an english tea with scones, raspberry jam and clotted cream with extras - with a lovely friend at Alices's Tea Cup.
I definitely haven't been tracking on WW or doing dancing with my friend - but it is now time to get back on the wagon and start working on things again.
Along with the recent question about food and shame - I am also fussing about the holidays - especially holiday baking. When I made my stolen - I like using cream and butter and the best ingredients I can. Just as with Halloween - making special holiday food is important to me. It connects me to my love of baking, creating something with love and family history, and sharing good food. For as many years as I can remember, my mother made stolen each holiday, as gifts and for the family on Christmas morning. By making the stolen and holiday cookies - I continue a tradition that I love. It is one of the few times when I do bake and the apartment is fill with warmth and the aroma of baking bread. So - I am going to enjoy my traditions - even making a stolen I will enjoy myself over the holidays - by using the good ingredients of butter and cream. The tradition is more important to me then how many points they are in WW.
I am also thinking some about food and shame. Here are the questions rattling around in my mind:
1. What other foods carry shame for me? cookies, cake, fried food, rich food, cobblers, pies, peanut butter, brownies, pastries, ...
2. What to do about the shame? Shame isn't healthy - especially dealing with food issues. So how do I change the shame? Can I change these into good things to eat? Or change the shame? What is the shame? because someone said "no - you shouldn't have that" at some point?
As with most humans - I hate to change. I admitted to a friend recently that I was very reluctant to change a certain eating pattern - it felt like the little girl in me was just being defiant and stubborn - kind of "I don't want to just because...". I can't remember what pattern or food we were discussing - I can very clearly remember the resistance rising in me - all I can remember of the conversation is that I will try rice cakes is what came from it.....
Monday I celebrated the Wiccan/Celtic New Year with special food and watching Charlie Brown "Great Pumpkin" and doing a little spell of releasing and consulting Runes. I stayed up until the wee hours watching a Hope/Crosby "Road" movie.
Tuesday I had lunch - more like an english tea with scones, raspberry jam and clotted cream with extras - with a lovely friend at Alices's Tea Cup.
I definitely haven't been tracking on WW or doing dancing with my friend - but it is now time to get back on the wagon and start working on things again.
Along with the recent question about food and shame - I am also fussing about the holidays - especially holiday baking. When I made my stolen - I like using cream and butter and the best ingredients I can. Just as with Halloween - making special holiday food is important to me. It connects me to my love of baking, creating something with love and family history, and sharing good food. For as many years as I can remember, my mother made stolen each holiday, as gifts and for the family on Christmas morning. By making the stolen and holiday cookies - I continue a tradition that I love. It is one of the few times when I do bake and the apartment is fill with warmth and the aroma of baking bread. So - I am going to enjoy my traditions - even making a stolen I will enjoy myself over the holidays - by using the good ingredients of butter and cream. The tradition is more important to me then how many points they are in WW.
I am also thinking some about food and shame. Here are the questions rattling around in my mind:
1. What other foods carry shame for me? cookies, cake, fried food, rich food, cobblers, pies, peanut butter, brownies, pastries, ...
2. What to do about the shame? Shame isn't healthy - especially dealing with food issues. So how do I change the shame? Can I change these into good things to eat? Or change the shame? What is the shame? because someone said "no - you shouldn't have that" at some point?
As with most humans - I hate to change. I admitted to a friend recently that I was very reluctant to change a certain eating pattern - it felt like the little girl in me was just being defiant and stubborn - kind of "I don't want to just because...". I can't remember what pattern or food we were discussing - I can very clearly remember the resistance rising in me - all I can remember of the conversation is that I will try rice cakes is what came from it.....
Crazy Thursday
So - I went to WW last night to get weighed - I didn't gain any weight, but I didn't lose any either. But hey - things have been a little crazy emotionally lately. I did get a little grumpy but A and I did a Zumba workout and I felt much batter. I had a pretty good day food wise and I even picked a peach for a midnight snack instead of comfort food usually made up of bread, peanut butter and honey. ACCOMPLISHIMENT - GOOD CHOICE!!
So, my peach choice last night and some of the emotional food choices I have made lately, Ben & Jerry's Ice Creem, Bugle Nacho Chips, to just name 2 leads me to, for the first time here, address emotional eating and how it can sabotage otherwise good food choices.
So, here goes - personal examination of my emotional eating:
When does this happen?:
At night usually. Usually on the way home when I pass the bodega on the corner. This can happen especially if I have some emotional upset that I try to use the food for comfort.
Or it can happen, at night, especially if I have a hankering for ice cream, I go out to the bodega. I will do this usually for a couple of reasons, just have that craving that I want to satisfy or I am celebrating something - anything from a good day to seasonal celebrations.
Why does it happen?:
As I sit here and write, I realize that there are two different patterns that may or may not overlap. I think the overlap is what I choose to eat in these situations.
One emotion is happy celebration, the other emotional upset seeking inner comfort for a real hurt.
So, indulge me and let me muck around in this a little.....I am just going to do a little stream of consciouness here----
emotional eating - hurt - eat for comfort - eating a favorite food like ice cream or chips - over indulge like eat 2 small bags of chips or entire pint of ice cream - don't know when to stop - hurt - eating to hide? - eating to hide from the pain? - afraid of letting the pain be - afraid the pain will get worse/will hurt more if I really feel the pain - not immediately trying to fix it/solve it/or feel better - eating to keep from dealing with the pain and what caused the pain - old pattern to deal with pain by hiding it - go back to childhood or attempted rape - if feeling pain about current hurt also brings up passed pains that remain unresolved (working to find a therapist to begin to resolve past pain) - current pain sling shots me back to other pain -
It is good to write this down and see it - get it out of my head and spill it out here so I think about other things or can now think about some of the deeper issues - versus keeping this in my head where I can't really look at it - it just keeps going around and around....
To A: thanks for offering to let me call you when I get in that emotional eating place - there so many levels to the thank you - but my mind keeps thinking about trying to be vulnerable and truthful about an unhealthy pattern I have - it is support that is hard to ask for because of the vulnerability and trust - but now that it is offered I will try. I know we are supporting each other in different ways, but this means the world to me. To be able to share that hurt place without judgment to someone else, but also for myself - to give myself permission to be vulnerable and to trust. Because lets be honest - for right now - this pattern is here and it isn't a pretty pattern - and I can't avoid it by just not eating those chips and ice cream - I need to get to the emotional root of it. That I have such loving sister/mothers who love me and are helping me to love me too, A,R,P and D - you know who you are. I love that you support me and love me.....
So, my peach choice last night and some of the emotional food choices I have made lately, Ben & Jerry's Ice Creem, Bugle Nacho Chips, to just name 2 leads me to, for the first time here, address emotional eating and how it can sabotage otherwise good food choices.
So, here goes - personal examination of my emotional eating:
When does this happen?:
At night usually. Usually on the way home when I pass the bodega on the corner. This can happen especially if I have some emotional upset that I try to use the food for comfort.
Or it can happen, at night, especially if I have a hankering for ice cream, I go out to the bodega. I will do this usually for a couple of reasons, just have that craving that I want to satisfy or I am celebrating something - anything from a good day to seasonal celebrations.
Why does it happen?:
As I sit here and write, I realize that there are two different patterns that may or may not overlap. I think the overlap is what I choose to eat in these situations.
One emotion is happy celebration, the other emotional upset seeking inner comfort for a real hurt.
So, indulge me and let me muck around in this a little.....I am just going to do a little stream of consciouness here----
emotional eating - hurt - eat for comfort - eating a favorite food like ice cream or chips - over indulge like eat 2 small bags of chips or entire pint of ice cream - don't know when to stop - hurt - eating to hide? - eating to hide from the pain? - afraid of letting the pain be - afraid the pain will get worse/will hurt more if I really feel the pain - not immediately trying to fix it/solve it/or feel better - eating to keep from dealing with the pain and what caused the pain - old pattern to deal with pain by hiding it - go back to childhood or attempted rape - if feeling pain about current hurt also brings up passed pains that remain unresolved (working to find a therapist to begin to resolve past pain) - current pain sling shots me back to other pain -
It is good to write this down and see it - get it out of my head and spill it out here so I think about other things or can now think about some of the deeper issues - versus keeping this in my head where I can't really look at it - it just keeps going around and around....
To A: thanks for offering to let me call you when I get in that emotional eating place - there so many levels to the thank you - but my mind keeps thinking about trying to be vulnerable and truthful about an unhealthy pattern I have - it is support that is hard to ask for because of the vulnerability and trust - but now that it is offered I will try. I know we are supporting each other in different ways, but this means the world to me. To be able to share that hurt place without judgment to someone else, but also for myself - to give myself permission to be vulnerable and to trust. Because lets be honest - for right now - this pattern is here and it isn't a pretty pattern - and I can't avoid it by just not eating those chips and ice cream - I need to get to the emotional root of it. That I have such loving sister/mothers who love me and are helping me to love me too, A,R,P and D - you know who you are. I love that you support me and love me.....
Sunday, October 30, 2011
food crisis-shame-isolation
This epiphany came out of an email exchange with a friend -
I was just thinking - the 1. admitting I have food crisis is good - as in being honest with myself and revealing the secret and 2. by sharing and you sharing I don't feel alone or crazy - like I am not the only one who deals with this and so my pattern isn't so isolating and 3. by braking the secret I also break the shame of this pattern. I know the culture jokes about this sometimes, but we don't really talk about it because we are taught to be ashamed of the pattern and keeping the shame in silence builds the isolation and WW doesn't get at the secret and the shame and isolation of the secret.
I was just thinking - the 1. admitting I have food crisis is good - as in being honest with myself and revealing the secret and 2. by sharing and you sharing I don't feel alone or crazy - like I am not the only one who deals with this and so my pattern isn't so isolating and 3. by braking the secret I also break the shame of this pattern. I know the culture jokes about this sometimes, but we don't really talk about it because we are taught to be ashamed of the pattern and keeping the shame in silence builds the isolation and WW doesn't get at the secret and the shame and isolation of the secret.
Thursday, October 27, 2011
a rough couple of days
So, this reunion thing really threw me for a loop. I just went back to all that painful stuff that happened as well as seeing things through a slightly different lens of emotional abandonment. There is still a lot of pain in those memories that I am working on. Meeting with my spiritual healer helped last night.
Which leads me to emotional eating - the chips kind. I got 2 bags of Nacho Bugles chips while coming home from a visit to my spiritual healer. I just wanted the crunchy/salty/chippy thing.
There are times when the 'NO - do something healthier' works and listen it and then there are times like last night when I wanted the comfort of crunchy/chippy things and I hear the NO....but I don't listen to it. I am not beating myself up about it.
Which leads me to emotional eating - the chips kind. I got 2 bags of Nacho Bugles chips while coming home from a visit to my spiritual healer. I just wanted the crunchy/salty/chippy thing.
There are times when the 'NO - do something healthier' works and listen it and then there are times like last night when I wanted the comfort of crunchy/chippy things and I hear the NO....but I don't listen to it. I am not beating myself up about it.
Tuesday, October 25, 2011
30 year HS Reunion
Well, I almost got sucked in..... apparently there is a '82 group from my high school on FB that one of my old classmates signed me up for - that alone surprised me. Here is person who I didn't really care about back then (in fact I found her to be a rather mean person, but that was HS) contacting me to let me know they are thinking of having a 30 year reunion next year. Okay - so I was intrigued to know who was on their list, but that way yesterday
Today I just go upset. Why in the hell would I want to hang out with people who weren't nice to me back then and who haven't bothered to even stay friends in the intervening years. That is in the past - I am in the present and I really have no desire to either reminisce about the past or find out what any of them are doing in the present. First why go back in dig up those old wounds with people who really don't care. I don't have any BFFs from HS.
I was sitting here getting all upset thinking about it when I decide to just take myself off their list. Okay, so I still have unresolved issues from back then, but I have a lot issues from back then that had nothing to do with school and maybe school just made all that other stuff all the more painful. I can forgive the past, there is no sense in dwelling on it and getting upset, but that doesn't mean I am going to go running off to the reunion - not even for curiosity's sake.
Today I just go upset. Why in the hell would I want to hang out with people who weren't nice to me back then and who haven't bothered to even stay friends in the intervening years. That is in the past - I am in the present and I really have no desire to either reminisce about the past or find out what any of them are doing in the present. First why go back in dig up those old wounds with people who really don't care. I don't have any BFFs from HS.
I was sitting here getting all upset thinking about it when I decide to just take myself off their list. Okay, so I still have unresolved issues from back then, but I have a lot issues from back then that had nothing to do with school and maybe school just made all that other stuff all the more painful. I can forgive the past, there is no sense in dwelling on it and getting upset, but that doesn't mean I am going to go running off to the reunion - not even for curiosity's sake.
Monday, October 24, 2011
Fall weekend
I had a pretty good weekend full of activity and just one food slip up. I love weekends that have a little something going on each day. It started with dinner with R at a Greek Restaurant. I haven't been a great fan of Feta cheese - I guess I always thought it to strong and salty. What I had Friday night was delicious and just right in a greek salad. I did have some baklava for dessert, but for the price I have had better. Somehow I didn't feel satisfied when I got home and the ice cream idea entered my head. Most times my bodega on the corner DOES NOT have a great selection of ice cream. Well maybe I was desperate or something, but I settled on Ben and Jerry's Red Velvet cake ice cream which was pretty good - the only thing that annoyed me was the large chucks of red velvet cake in the ice creams.
Saturday I cooked on of my favorite fall dishes, sausage and apples made with garlic and brown sugar. I like making this dish around the turnings of the year since it has sausage, especially if I use pork sausage and apples. Sows and apples are frequently associated with the Goddess. I typically serve it on buttered biscuits. We sampled apples at our Red Tent Temple and there was one that was an older variety, Court Pendu Plat apple, that was very distinctive and delicious. We had cider, hard cider, sparking cider - of which the hard cider was very popular.
Sunday I decided to drag myself out of bed and get to a women entrepreneur's meetup/networking group in the Village. I had a great time connecting with 7 other women and sharing my dream and process of starting WomanSpace in NYC. It was the one time this year that I got to eat outside at a cafe and the weather was just right. I had a skirt streak/cheese/mushroom quesadilla. Though I was really tired, I am so glad I went and hung out with amazing women.
Well, now it is on to another week.
Saturday I cooked on of my favorite fall dishes, sausage and apples made with garlic and brown sugar. I like making this dish around the turnings of the year since it has sausage, especially if I use pork sausage and apples. Sows and apples are frequently associated with the Goddess. I typically serve it on buttered biscuits. We sampled apples at our Red Tent Temple and there was one that was an older variety, Court Pendu Plat apple, that was very distinctive and delicious. We had cider, hard cider, sparking cider - of which the hard cider was very popular.
Sunday I decided to drag myself out of bed and get to a women entrepreneur's meetup/networking group in the Village. I had a great time connecting with 7 other women and sharing my dream and process of starting WomanSpace in NYC. It was the one time this year that I got to eat outside at a cafe and the weather was just right. I had a skirt streak/cheese/mushroom quesadilla. Though I was really tired, I am so glad I went and hung out with amazing women.
Well, now it is on to another week.
Friday, October 21, 2011
2 cups of coffee Friday
So where to start? -
Fun things - I got a new vacuum! my little vacuum finally gave out after 10 years - the batteries died. So, I figured it was time for a little upgrade. Last night I tested it out and I was impressed with all the cat hair it picked up. I am looking forward to doing a more through sweep of my rugs and floors this weekend.
Thanks to A. for just hanging out on the speaker phone last night as I did a shortened Zumba work out. I got little sleep the night before so I was tired but I also wanted to stay committed to doing a work out.
Things I have noticed since starting my work out. The ached and pains of unused muscle is going away day by day. My knee that hurts when going down stairs doesn't hurt. This is progress for me.
So I still have a week to my personal challenge to do Zumba after work when ever possible. A and I will continue after this - via speaker phone for now - which is okay with me. I don't want to get to the point of using Skype - just a little too scary to think about.
Personal exercise milestone to keep my eyes on:
Learning new dance routines
Getting up all the subway stairs without huffing and puffing!
Most important - HAVING FUN
I realized that my cancer diagnosis date blew past me without me thinking about it. Boy is that a good thing. October 16 I had a Vagina Monologues meeting and went to a concert and didn't think one moment about cancer.
Fun things - I got a new vacuum! my little vacuum finally gave out after 10 years - the batteries died. So, I figured it was time for a little upgrade. Last night I tested it out and I was impressed with all the cat hair it picked up. I am looking forward to doing a more through sweep of my rugs and floors this weekend.
Thanks to A. for just hanging out on the speaker phone last night as I did a shortened Zumba work out. I got little sleep the night before so I was tired but I also wanted to stay committed to doing a work out.
Things I have noticed since starting my work out. The ached and pains of unused muscle is going away day by day. My knee that hurts when going down stairs doesn't hurt. This is progress for me.
So I still have a week to my personal challenge to do Zumba after work when ever possible. A and I will continue after this - via speaker phone for now - which is okay with me. I don't want to get to the point of using Skype - just a little too scary to think about.
Personal exercise milestone to keep my eyes on:
Learning new dance routines
Getting up all the subway stairs without huffing and puffing!
Most important - HAVING FUN
I realized that my cancer diagnosis date blew past me without me thinking about it. Boy is that a good thing. October 16 I had a Vagina Monologues meeting and went to a concert and didn't think one moment about cancer.
Wednesday, October 19, 2011
Rainy days and aches and pains
Yesterday I was tired and sore. Well, when I got home I took care of my sore body by doing a work out - stretching out those muscles that ached - and it did help. I do have to confess though - I broke down and went to the bodega to get a Hostess cherry pie. Oh! my moment of weakness....it was a sugar fix - just let me own up to it right here - the sour cherry just made it a little better.
Now today - Grey and rainy - and oh did I ache getting out of bed this morning. It was an Excedrin morning to get moving, with just a little jolt of caffeine. Not only does it help with the aches and pains but it also gets me over that dark gray morning desire to just crawl back into bed. But I will persevere and work out again tonight - to work out those aches and pains.
As much as I don't like the aches and pains - the good thing is they are telling me my work out is working. I know I will get passed these aches and pains, and getting better at doing the various routines. The fun part is learning the moves and doing the dancing. I did aerobics in the 80's and Zumba is very similar, but it is all dancing, which I like.
Now today - Grey and rainy - and oh did I ache getting out of bed this morning. It was an Excedrin morning to get moving, with just a little jolt of caffeine. Not only does it help with the aches and pains but it also gets me over that dark gray morning desire to just crawl back into bed. But I will persevere and work out again tonight - to work out those aches and pains.
As much as I don't like the aches and pains - the good thing is they are telling me my work out is working. I know I will get passed these aches and pains, and getting better at doing the various routines. The fun part is learning the moves and doing the dancing. I did aerobics in the 80's and Zumba is very similar, but it is all dancing, which I like.
Monday, October 17, 2011
From the Daily OM - Putting Yourself First
From the Daily OM
Putting Yourself First
Daily Self-Care
Putting yourself first means that it may be necessary to say no to someone else in order to say yes to yourself.
We have all heard the instructions of an airline attendant reminding us to put on our own oxygen mask before we help anyone else with theirs. This advice is often cited as a metaphor for self-care because it so accurately expresses why it is important. It seems to say, ironically, that if you can’t take care of yourself for yourself, do it for others. Few situations in our daily lives mimic the wake-up call of an airplane emergency, so it’s easy to keep putting self-care off—easy, that is, until we get sick, overwhelmed, or exhausted, and suddenly don’t have the energy to care for the people who count on us. That’s when we realize we haven’t been getting the oxygen we need to sustain ourselves. We begin to understand that taking care of ourselves is neither selfish nor indulgent; it’s just plain practical.
Putting yourself first means that it may be necessary to say no to someone else in order to say yes to yourself. For many of us, there is always something we feel we could be doing for someone else, and it helps to remember the oxygen metaphor. You can even encourage yourself by saying “I am caring for myself so that I am better able to care for others” or some other mantra that will encourage you. It also helps to remember that self-care doesn’t have to be composed of massively time-consuming acts. In fact, the best prescription for taking care of yourself is probably small, daily rituals; for example, taking one half-hour for yourself at the beginning and end of the day to meditate, journal, or just be. You might also transform the occasional daily shower or bath into a half-hour self-pampering session.
Whatever you decide, making some small gesture where you put yourself first every day will pay off in spades for you and the ones you love. The oxygen you need is all around you; sometimes you just need to be reminded to breathe.
Putting Yourself First
Daily Self-Care
We have all heard the instructions of an airline attendant reminding us to put on our own oxygen mask before we help anyone else with theirs. This advice is often cited as a metaphor for self-care because it so accurately expresses why it is important. It seems to say, ironically, that if you can’t take care of yourself for yourself, do it for others. Few situations in our daily lives mimic the wake-up call of an airplane emergency, so it’s easy to keep putting self-care off—easy, that is, until we get sick, overwhelmed, or exhausted, and suddenly don’t have the energy to care for the people who count on us. That’s when we realize we haven’t been getting the oxygen we need to sustain ourselves. We begin to understand that taking care of ourselves is neither selfish nor indulgent; it’s just plain practical.
Putting yourself first means that it may be necessary to say no to someone else in order to say yes to yourself. For many of us, there is always something we feel we could be doing for someone else, and it helps to remember the oxygen metaphor. You can even encourage yourself by saying “I am caring for myself so that I am better able to care for others” or some other mantra that will encourage you. It also helps to remember that self-care doesn’t have to be composed of massively time-consuming acts. In fact, the best prescription for taking care of yourself is probably small, daily rituals; for example, taking one half-hour for yourself at the beginning and end of the day to meditate, journal, or just be. You might also transform the occasional daily shower or bath into a half-hour self-pampering session.
Whatever you decide, making some small gesture where you put yourself first every day will pay off in spades for you and the ones you love. The oxygen you need is all around you; sometimes you just need to be reminded to breathe.
Started doing Zumba
Well, I started working out this weekend. I went on YouTube and create a channel and found some good Zumba videos that I can work with. I did workouts on both Saturday and Sunday. I am pleased to report that I am not too sore - but just sore enough to know I am using muscles I don't usually use a lot.
I also have a Zumba partner - one of my friends. I hope we will use my channel, chose which videos to do. and connect via speaker phone while we dance at our respective homes. We are set to start Wednesday.
I am really very excited about all this. 1. I accomplishes what I set out to do 2. I enjoy it 3. I really do huff and puff and sweat - and I know that is good. 4.And I want to keep going. There are so many videos on YouTube that I am sure we can find all kinds of new routines to learn. And it seems that the Zumba movement is branching out beyond it's Latin roots. Some of the video I found have reggae and belly dancing elements in them. 5. I get to indulge in one of my pleasures in life - dancing to current dance music like Lady Gaga. Yes, I know it is a little secret few of you knew about me.
I am also committed to tracking on WW for 2 weeks.
So, by 2 week challenge is off to a good start! I am proud of stepping up and trying. I am thrilled to have a partner to share this 2 week challenge - lets hope it lasts longer. And I look forward to stepping on the scale again soon and seeing positive results.
I also have a Zumba partner - one of my friends. I hope we will use my channel, chose which videos to do. and connect via speaker phone while we dance at our respective homes. We are set to start Wednesday.
I am really very excited about all this. 1. I accomplishes what I set out to do 2. I enjoy it 3. I really do huff and puff and sweat - and I know that is good. 4.And I want to keep going. There are so many videos on YouTube that I am sure we can find all kinds of new routines to learn. And it seems that the Zumba movement is branching out beyond it's Latin roots. Some of the video I found have reggae and belly dancing elements in them. 5. I get to indulge in one of my pleasures in life - dancing to current dance music like Lady Gaga. Yes, I know it is a little secret few of you knew about me.
I am also committed to tracking on WW for 2 weeks.
So, by 2 week challenge is off to a good start! I am proud of stepping up and trying. I am thrilled to have a partner to share this 2 week challenge - lets hope it lasts longer. And I look forward to stepping on the scale again soon and seeing positive results.
Friday, October 14, 2011
Disappointed
Today I just got to let it all hang out - talk here to get it out of my system.
So, I did go to WW last night - as I promised. I didn't gain any weight, but I didn't lose any either. I have been on WW almost a year and I have lost 10 pounds. Right now I am disappointed in me.
So, the popcorn after work has to stop. This has chippy/crunchy habit has been around since the cancer. I would stop by the bodaga on the corner where my apartment is, on the way home, and pick up chips for before dinner. Then when I joined WW I bought there chips which are portioned controlled, and that worked better. Then I switched to microwaving my own popcorn, but even just adding a little Smart Balance is adding up - and eating it plain just doesn't cut it. So, no more buying popcorn kernels. I will instead look forward to my carrot salad or carrot sticks and hummus before I get the main dish ready.
Now, please don't take what I am about to write as being hard on me - but rather facing uncomfortable truths. Before I go there let me celebrate my accomplishments. First - I have lost 10 pounds. HEY! I am cheering inside for this. I had other goals when I started WW that I have achieved - cooking at home instead of buying the frozen dinners - which cost a fortune - I am eating more fruits and veggies - I am getting better on cutting back on the sweets - my only sweets these days are yogurt and honey and sugar in coffee/tea - I use non-fat 1/2 and 1/2 for my coffee and baking. I don't go every Saturday to get French pastries for breakfast. I am over all eating healthier. So, I am very proud of what I have accomplished - and I do sit here and drink that in fully.
With those accomplishments - I still have a ways to go. If I am going to practice what I preach, I need to commit to both keep within my daily points and exercise more. It is as plain and simple as that. Especially exercising more - I true believe that this is very important to taking the undesired weight off. I have to try and make this work better so I get healthier! I have at least try and stop blocking myself or making excuses!
So, let me put in writing for you, but most especially for me, what is blocking me:
1. When I get home I am too tired to exercise - POSH! I just believe that I am. Maybe if I change that belief and look forward to a work out with excitement, that tired feeling would disappear
2. I love to relax when I get home - well this is very true for me - I could lounge around all day and enjoy myself - but that won't help me reduce my weight. And I can relax AFTER I exercise - SNAP! there goes that one.
3. I am lazy - and I am resisting changing this - I have to change this action and thought pattern - It is the truth and right now it hurts - it no longer is working for me - and part of me is dreading this change. I can't go about this change dreading it or it isn't going to stick - I am going to want to go back to being lazy - so not only do I have to change my actions, but I also have to change my beliefs about what kind of life I want to live.
So, now let me point out what benefits exercising will have for me.
1. I can get myself good and tired and not have any energy left for when I go to bed. (I sometimes feel very awake when I go to bed and it can take me a little while to fall asleep.)
2. By exercising I can let go of the stress from the work day
3. I can get stronger and have more stamina - especially going up those subway stairs
4. I would get those feel good endorphins moving through my body
5. I would get my heart rate up.
So, again - I am giving myself a two week challenge:
1. stay within my points every day
2. exercise every night I get home at a normal time - and by looking at my calendar that is every night - at least for week one - I will choose between walking or doing Zumba in my apartment with videos from YouTube.
While looking at the particular patterns that are holding me back in this area - I am finding that I have all kinds of beliefs that aren't helping me, in life in general - and even those that I identified as pertaining to exercise, really are applicable in the rest of my life. I hear and now confess that for a long time I have had a very lazy outlook on life - whether is by holding back - not giving something my all - or holding back out of fear of what might happen - and it even holding me back when I protected my silent/rest time to keep my life in balance. While I will still keep an eye on my precious times of solitude and rest - I believe I will need to give up some that rest and become more active. I can still find solitude while being active.
So, I did go to WW last night - as I promised. I didn't gain any weight, but I didn't lose any either. I have been on WW almost a year and I have lost 10 pounds. Right now I am disappointed in me.
So, the popcorn after work has to stop. This has chippy/crunchy habit has been around since the cancer. I would stop by the bodaga on the corner where my apartment is, on the way home, and pick up chips for before dinner. Then when I joined WW I bought there chips which are portioned controlled, and that worked better. Then I switched to microwaving my own popcorn, but even just adding a little Smart Balance is adding up - and eating it plain just doesn't cut it. So, no more buying popcorn kernels. I will instead look forward to my carrot salad or carrot sticks and hummus before I get the main dish ready.
Now, please don't take what I am about to write as being hard on me - but rather facing uncomfortable truths. Before I go there let me celebrate my accomplishments. First - I have lost 10 pounds. HEY! I am cheering inside for this. I had other goals when I started WW that I have achieved - cooking at home instead of buying the frozen dinners - which cost a fortune - I am eating more fruits and veggies - I am getting better on cutting back on the sweets - my only sweets these days are yogurt and honey and sugar in coffee/tea - I use non-fat 1/2 and 1/2 for my coffee and baking. I don't go every Saturday to get French pastries for breakfast. I am over all eating healthier. So, I am very proud of what I have accomplished - and I do sit here and drink that in fully.
With those accomplishments - I still have a ways to go. If I am going to practice what I preach, I need to commit to both keep within my daily points and exercise more. It is as plain and simple as that. Especially exercising more - I true believe that this is very important to taking the undesired weight off. I have to try and make this work better so I get healthier! I have at least try and stop blocking myself or making excuses!
So, let me put in writing for you, but most especially for me, what is blocking me:
1. When I get home I am too tired to exercise - POSH! I just believe that I am. Maybe if I change that belief and look forward to a work out with excitement, that tired feeling would disappear
2. I love to relax when I get home - well this is very true for me - I could lounge around all day and enjoy myself - but that won't help me reduce my weight. And I can relax AFTER I exercise - SNAP! there goes that one.
3. I am lazy - and I am resisting changing this - I have to change this action and thought pattern - It is the truth and right now it hurts - it no longer is working for me - and part of me is dreading this change. I can't go about this change dreading it or it isn't going to stick - I am going to want to go back to being lazy - so not only do I have to change my actions, but I also have to change my beliefs about what kind of life I want to live.
So, now let me point out what benefits exercising will have for me.
1. I can get myself good and tired and not have any energy left for when I go to bed. (I sometimes feel very awake when I go to bed and it can take me a little while to fall asleep.)
2. By exercising I can let go of the stress from the work day
3. I can get stronger and have more stamina - especially going up those subway stairs
4. I would get those feel good endorphins moving through my body
5. I would get my heart rate up.
So, again - I am giving myself a two week challenge:
1. stay within my points every day
2. exercise every night I get home at a normal time - and by looking at my calendar that is every night - at least for week one - I will choose between walking or doing Zumba in my apartment with videos from YouTube.
While looking at the particular patterns that are holding me back in this area - I am finding that I have all kinds of beliefs that aren't helping me, in life in general - and even those that I identified as pertaining to exercise, really are applicable in the rest of my life. I hear and now confess that for a long time I have had a very lazy outlook on life - whether is by holding back - not giving something my all - or holding back out of fear of what might happen - and it even holding me back when I protected my silent/rest time to keep my life in balance. While I will still keep an eye on my precious times of solitude and rest - I believe I will need to give up some that rest and become more active. I can still find solitude while being active.
Thursday, October 13, 2011
I am making the commitment to my friends who follow this blog - I am going to Weight Watchers tonight to get weighed. I am optimistic - but I really don't know where things stand, and so I am a little nervous. I am pretty sure I have lost weight, but the scale will tell the truth - so it might add to my weight. Either way I will let you know what happens - I just keep telling myself "be positive"
Tuesday, October 11, 2011
Crumbs
I confess - I succumbed to Crumbs yesterday. 2 cupcakes. Raspberry Swirl and White Hot Chocolate. I enjoyed them. I was coming back from a trip up town and took the bus so I could see the city. I got off before Grand Central on Lexington, and there it was. Let me call it my Columbus day treat.
On Sunday I saw a good friend of mine, Beth, and she commented that she thought I look thinner. YES! that feels good. While I haven't been to WW in a while I have been keeping to my plan for lessening my sugar intake. It feels good when other people see the progress. I am keeping up with having fruit/yogurt/nuts/honey in some kind of combination. I have pears ripening in my kitchen.
I am proud of myself. I did some cooking this weekend. Quinoa with green beans and corn make with chicken broth, the flavoring really helps. I also baked breaded Tilapia and made Quiche Lorraine! All this should keep me humming for this week.
I haven't tackled the exercise yet, beyond my daily commute. Still working on that one.
On Sunday I saw a good friend of mine, Beth, and she commented that she thought I look thinner. YES! that feels good. While I haven't been to WW in a while I have been keeping to my plan for lessening my sugar intake. It feels good when other people see the progress. I am keeping up with having fruit/yogurt/nuts/honey in some kind of combination. I have pears ripening in my kitchen.
I am proud of myself. I did some cooking this weekend. Quinoa with green beans and corn make with chicken broth, the flavoring really helps. I also baked breaded Tilapia and made Quiche Lorraine! All this should keep me humming for this week.
I haven't tackled the exercise yet, beyond my daily commute. Still working on that one.
Wednesday, October 5, 2011
Donuts and Bagels
Well, we had a good-bye breakfast a colleague that is leaving our office. So we had bagels, donuts from Dunkin Donuts and coffee. Donuts - one of my sweet downfalls. I only had one and a half a bagel with a shmeer of cream cheese. And this will probably get me through most of the day. I did have usual breakfast very early this morning and brought my usual lunch - but that is now, probably out the window.
I was thinking more about exercise last night - mainly about changing a living pattern - changing time patterns - patterns of personal commitment. As I look at articles and newsy things on the web one pattern is very clear to me - people who loss weight exercise a lot more. Many stories I have read have many of these people becoming runners, doing marathons and 5 and 10K races. While I don't know if I will become a runner - it is clear to me that I have to commit to exercising more - there is just no way around it. Exercising more now helps take reduce my weight - and maintaining the exercise will help keep the weight off when I reach my goal.
Now all this comes to changing living patterns - First of all it is, for me, a question of timing - when to do it. Early morning? After work? So if I want to really commit to this - something in my timing has to change. Knowing me the better time for me is after work. I just move too slow in the mornings to workout and make it work happily. I am just not a bounce out of bed early in the morning kind of person. So after work is the logical choice. Habit and excuses are standing in my way. Here are the excuses:
1. I get home tired - sometimes I just want to cuddle with the cat
2. I want to relax after a day at work
3. I start getting dinner ready
4. If I exercise when I get home then dinner is even later - if I really do decide to get a membership at the Y then it will get even later - but wait - lets time this out - to Y at 6 - out by 7 - home by 7:30 - that isn't too bad. Even when getting home it would take me until at least 6:30 until I was ready to workout. I might finish earlier though.
Here is a positive - if I exercise when I get home then I might not need to make my bowl of popcorn that I love to munch on while watching the news. - and I can skip the news because it is really rather depressing and I get the important news in the morning. If I work out at home I could be done by the time The Simpsons came on at 7.
So now it takes the commitment to make the change to create the time to exercise and to exercise. I have ignore and say no to all the excuses - and say a big YES to exercise......
I was thinking more about exercise last night - mainly about changing a living pattern - changing time patterns - patterns of personal commitment. As I look at articles and newsy things on the web one pattern is very clear to me - people who loss weight exercise a lot more. Many stories I have read have many of these people becoming runners, doing marathons and 5 and 10K races. While I don't know if I will become a runner - it is clear to me that I have to commit to exercising more - there is just no way around it. Exercising more now helps take reduce my weight - and maintaining the exercise will help keep the weight off when I reach my goal.
Now all this comes to changing living patterns - First of all it is, for me, a question of timing - when to do it. Early morning? After work? So if I want to really commit to this - something in my timing has to change. Knowing me the better time for me is after work. I just move too slow in the mornings to workout and make it work happily. I am just not a bounce out of bed early in the morning kind of person. So after work is the logical choice. Habit and excuses are standing in my way. Here are the excuses:
1. I get home tired - sometimes I just want to cuddle with the cat
2. I want to relax after a day at work
3. I start getting dinner ready
4. If I exercise when I get home then dinner is even later - if I really do decide to get a membership at the Y then it will get even later - but wait - lets time this out - to Y at 6 - out by 7 - home by 7:30 - that isn't too bad. Even when getting home it would take me until at least 6:30 until I was ready to workout. I might finish earlier though.
Here is a positive - if I exercise when I get home then I might not need to make my bowl of popcorn that I love to munch on while watching the news. - and I can skip the news because it is really rather depressing and I get the important news in the morning. If I work out at home I could be done by the time The Simpsons came on at 7.
So now it takes the commitment to make the change to create the time to exercise and to exercise. I have ignore and say no to all the excuses - and say a big YES to exercise......
Tuesday, October 4, 2011
don't know where to start
I got into work this morning and found emails from my siblings that indicated my 90 year old dad wasn't doing too good - and mom keeps slipping into her own world. It took a lot not to go to that scared place and worry about both of them.
I really tried to stay focused on work - though I confess I was a little in shock and feeling a little lost. Now I have got to the afternoon and am doing okay. I called dad and left a message.
I did my Weight Watchers tracking. Damn, that chocolate from yesterday really put me over - but it was the perfect pick-me-up. I felt much better in the afternoon.
Exercise - I have been giving this some thought recently. Now, granted, in NYC I do a fair bit of walking in my normal day just getting to and from work. And I do make it a point to get out for a brief walk either to Pratt rose garden or to my favorite oak tree. But I have been looking at blogs of people who have lost significant amounts of weight and one key thing that really helps is exercise. Now I have tried gyms - there is even one here at work - but it doesn't work for me. Something about going somewhere, putting things in a locker, exercising just doesn't appeal to me - maybe it is be self conscience about not wanting to be in a gym with others - feeling a little foolish about being fat and being in a gym. There are a couple of places I would consider that put exercise and lockers together. First would be a Curves gym if one were convenient to me and the other is a YMCA with a pool. If it didn't cost so much to go to the YMCA near me in Queens - I would go regularly - or maybe I am making an excuse - but I am not ready to tackle that right now. What I have been thinking of doing is going on YouTube and finding Zumba videos and doing a little dancing in my apartment. I think the best time for me is when I get home from work. Don't bother turning on the TV - just do some dancing before watching the news or the Simpsons or The Big Bang Theory. So, maybe I challenge myself again here - knowing I will track and talk about my progress here. The two week challenge really isn't that bad - it is keeping it going after those two weeks that might be the hard part. I am going to look into both the YMCA and Curves to see what is around me. Stalling tactic - certainly - but one of these days very soon I am going to just do it. So, I just checked out my local YMCA and it is $51 a month plus a joiner's fee. That is much more doable then when I looked a coupe of years ago. They do have a pool as well as a gym and an indoor track. I will have to see what other things they have. I would have to look at my budget, but I would seriously consider going to the YMCA especially since it is on the 7 train that I travel on nearly every day. I could get fee information about Curves and there is only one in Manhattan that might be convenient for me to go to.
As for the sweets challenge - I found myself thinking about fruits I would buy on my weekly shopping trip instead of thinking about dessert. I actually took dessert off my shopping list. For now I am going to stick with the fruit.
I really tried to stay focused on work - though I confess I was a little in shock and feeling a little lost. Now I have got to the afternoon and am doing okay. I called dad and left a message.
I did my Weight Watchers tracking. Damn, that chocolate from yesterday really put me over - but it was the perfect pick-me-up. I felt much better in the afternoon.
Exercise - I have been giving this some thought recently. Now, granted, in NYC I do a fair bit of walking in my normal day just getting to and from work. And I do make it a point to get out for a brief walk either to Pratt rose garden or to my favorite oak tree. But I have been looking at blogs of people who have lost significant amounts of weight and one key thing that really helps is exercise. Now I have tried gyms - there is even one here at work - but it doesn't work for me. Something about going somewhere, putting things in a locker, exercising just doesn't appeal to me - maybe it is be self conscience about not wanting to be in a gym with others - feeling a little foolish about being fat and being in a gym. There are a couple of places I would consider that put exercise and lockers together. First would be a Curves gym if one were convenient to me and the other is a YMCA with a pool. If it didn't cost so much to go to the YMCA near me in Queens - I would go regularly - or maybe I am making an excuse - but I am not ready to tackle that right now. What I have been thinking of doing is going on YouTube and finding Zumba videos and doing a little dancing in my apartment. I think the best time for me is when I get home from work. Don't bother turning on the TV - just do some dancing before watching the news or the Simpsons or The Big Bang Theory. So, maybe I challenge myself again here - knowing I will track and talk about my progress here. The two week challenge really isn't that bad - it is keeping it going after those two weeks that might be the hard part. I am going to look into both the YMCA and Curves to see what is around me. Stalling tactic - certainly - but one of these days very soon I am going to just do it. So, I just checked out my local YMCA and it is $51 a month plus a joiner's fee. That is much more doable then when I looked a coupe of years ago. They do have a pool as well as a gym and an indoor track. I will have to see what other things they have. I would have to look at my budget, but I would seriously consider going to the YMCA especially since it is on the 7 train that I travel on nearly every day. I could get fee information about Curves and there is only one in Manhattan that might be convenient for me to go to.
As for the sweets challenge - I found myself thinking about fruits I would buy on my weekly shopping trip instead of thinking about dessert. I actually took dessert off my shopping list. For now I am going to stick with the fruit.
Monday, October 3, 2011
succumb to chocolate
Here I sit at my desk - I succumb to chocolate this afternoon.
I am trying so not to go to that feel sorry for myself place. I keep repeating today' mantra "I am loved" but looking honestly at old hurts that have not healed, feeling anger - knowing forgiveness is somewhere there - but right now it is Lindt milk chocolate with hazel nuts and almond brittle that is getting me through. I am enjoying letting it melt in my mouth and crunch on the inside. And I am still saying to that hurt part of me - I am loved. I do have moments where I tell the negative thoughts to go hang themselves - but it has been very much back and forth today.
I did look into my mental health benefit from my health insurance provider. So part of sharing a little of today's story that it is sometimes hard and I need chocolate sometimes - is that I don't want to hide - especially from myself.
I have been doing pretty good with eating fruit/nuts/honey for dessert and my sweet tooth hasn't missed those other things. But today is today - so here we are.
I have to confess that I haven't been doing my Weight Watchers - either tracking or going to weighted. Okay - yes I am dreaming that I have lost weight - honestly I really don't know. The tracking I have just found annoying lately - because I have to use a computer to do it. While I usually have easy access to computer I guess i am just being lazy - there I said it!
For a day that has had its frustration (can't get a postal money order for rent so that means a check my landlord will sit on for the next 2 weeks and there is not Rescue Remedy sprat at the health food store) - right now is okay. Chocolate and one of my favorite 'love' mediation musical pieces is playing on Pandora. In this moment and I can open my heart to me and just be.
I did look into my mental health benefit from my health insurance provider. So part of sharing a little of today's story that it is sometimes hard and I need chocolate sometimes - is that I don't want to hide - especially from myself.
I have been doing pretty good with eating fruit/nuts/honey for dessert and my sweet tooth hasn't missed those other things. But today is today - so here we are.
I have to confess that I haven't been doing my Weight Watchers - either tracking or going to weighted. Okay - yes I am dreaming that I have lost weight - honestly I really don't know. The tracking I have just found annoying lately - because I have to use a computer to do it. While I usually have easy access to computer I guess i am just being lazy - there I said it!
For a day that has had its frustration (can't get a postal money order for rent so that means a check my landlord will sit on for the next 2 weeks and there is not Rescue Remedy sprat at the health food store) - right now is okay. Chocolate and one of my favorite 'love' mediation musical pieces is playing on Pandora. In this moment and I can open my heart to me and just be.
Saturday, October 1, 2011
Whole Food
It feels like talking here about food and eating - that I can be accountable to myself. I really don't have other I can talk to about this process, so I talk to myself. I get all those thoughts that are in my brain out here so i can look at them - and so that it is out of my brain.
So, Whole Foods. Why am I talking about them - well it is their 2-bite cinnamon rolls. This is a busy/stressful weekend so I got their 2-bite cinnamon rolls. There I admit it. I just wanted those cinnamon rolls because I am working today at, well work - an all day reunion where I am really not doing much more than talking to people and otherwise being bored. I want to have some comfort/favorite reward for when I started today and then again tomorrow morning. Maybe I should put this under the dessert ban - as this could be consider a morning breakfast sweet. So I am using the breakfast time, instead of after dinner, to have a sweet. Well, what's done is done.
I have been keeping to my fruit or no dessert this week. I got frozen pineapple and peaches at Whole Foods. These are fruit I love so I look forward to eating them this week.
I had a conversation last night with my pastoral counselor exploring the possibility of going deeper with a paid therapist. There is something holding me back and I want to take it apart so I can step into a future I want. No doubt that food and eating will be part of that healing process. I got scared by the ping of truth that went through me, knowing that if I wanted to continue to move forward I needed to do this, but also strangely comforted by knowing what the next step is. It really is stepping to those fears and into the unknown knowing that coming out the other side will be better. I don't say that this is for everyone - but this is for me given my past.
Thursday, September 29, 2011
being tired
This morning I thought I wouldn't get lunch until very late today. So I thought "okay- go downstairs and get a cup of coffee and a muffin to hold you over." Now I am having an argument with myself whether or not I should still do this since I may be able to get lunch earlier - but as I write I think not given the meetings I have to go today - so end of argument - I am going to keep to my original plan. Well, at least I will go get a cup of coffee. The coffee will help with the tired feeling and to brighten what proves to be another rainy day.
When I get tired I just don't want to try. It feels like I don't have the energy to make good choices - but rather to make comfortable or comforting choices. And for right now that is all I have the energy to say.
Update - the coffee was good - the bran blueberry muffin was disappointing - dry and barely a blueberry in it. So much for winning the argument. I am tired and going home. I can't even think of going to get weight at Weight Watchers.
Wednesday, September 28, 2011
The Zombies and no dessert
Going to restaurants has be a bit of a conflicted event recently. I take the view that going out is a good time to treat myself to things I want and to celebrate with some abandon. Well, when I go out to eat I usually order dessert - last night I didn't! A very dear Scottish friend of mine had an extra ticket to hear The Zombies at City Winery last night - his treat - except for a round of beers. I had a great night singing along to great 60's hits and reveling in music I love but didn't have a chance to grow up with because I just born to late. Thank heavens for older brothers who had LPs in the house that I could listen to - oh the Apple Records - Beatles album that a very young Carolyn put crayon on - much to the chagrin of my older brother.
But back to last night. I did have a great burger with toppings and beer - which do have their calories. The small victory for me last night was not ordering dessert. We will tackle burgers and beer another time. And the music was wonderful and such a great treat.
PS - boy coffee can work wonders on grey rainy days and after being out until the wee hours the night before - I don't generally drink coffee, but some days I just need that extra little lift to my day.....
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