Liberation

Really taking the time to befriend my fears leaves me feeling lighter and filled with hope. In the past I would try to conquer them or fight against them.

I've been thinking about how I listened to my anxiety but I never took it a step further. Back when I was in grad school I learned to befriend my anxiety to listen and talk to it, but I never went to the fear that caused the anxiety, well, maybe I did, as with needing to write papers and such. Now that I have taken it a step further and am now talking to the fear directly it feels like I have come to some deeper understanding and lends new meaning to the phrase: Know thy self

Befriending Fears

Today has been a day with buzz in it - from a little bit of coffee - to fun meditations - to working through befriending my fears. So - as much as I am bubbling over with good things, I really want to first tackle something, that is at least for me, hard. Dealing with shame and guilt about fear - Boy! is this a can of worms! I got thinking about shame and guilt's connection to fear from a friends Facebook post.

This really got the old juices flowing. It got me thinking about all the shame we have around what we are afraid of. Well, maybe by just naming my fears and being honest, if only with myself, that I have them, this brings the fear out into the light, away from hiding in dark places in shame. Naming my fears, both big and small, for me doesn't give them more power, by bring them out and saying them and bring honesty's light to them takes their power away. Is looks to me as shame is the enabler of fear - if we are ashamed of things then we are afraid of them. If we admit these things opening as things that are, that simple act takes a lot of fear's power away. Now lately I have gotten some of this guilt in my mind - here is the question that has run through my mind - what of my fears are my own making and what are fears that have been handed down to me, by family, friends or society? There is part of me that thinks I am responsible for all my fears - and yes I am responsible for deciding what to do with them. And then - Wow - more work at taking apart fears! So, I work on not just breaking the patterns of behavior and action associated with fear - but I must reframe the story about that fear so that the fear as my internal story is no longer a fear. Taking a look at fear in this way helps me to feel empowered and gives me great hope.

All of these thoughts about fear, actions and stories brings me back to the days right after 9/11/2001. I made a very conscious decision not to be afraid working my way back to my apartment in Brooklyn on 9/12/2001. I can remember talking on the phone with my boss, letting her know that my primary goal for the day was to make my way home. I was not going to let this attack stop me from moving around this city I love. They may bomb the train I travel on or catch in some other attack, but I was not going to let that stop me from trying to get to my home. So, knowing that the trains I needed were up and running, I left my brothers apartment on West 100th Street in Manhattan and headed home to 345 Westminster Road, Brooklyn. Was I a little scared - sure I was - but my determination kept me calm, and my trust that this was my small act of courage in the midst of so much horror and devastation.

Subway stories

I have been bursting to tell this story all morning. This is my good deed for the day. Waiting for the G train to leave the station at Court Square in Queens the subway doors closed leaving a mom on the platform and her daughter, probably about 9 or 10, separated from her mom on the train. The train started to pull out of the station. I was shocked they couldn't stop to open the doors, but they didn't. The Train crew sent the girl a message over the PA system to meet her mom at the next station. I saw her start to cry so I went over and it was okay, everything was going to be okay. The little girl blopped sad in the seat next to me. I told her I would get off the train with her and wait so she wouldn't be alone. So we got off the train to wait at the next station. Then a Court Square bound train pulled up on the opposite track and that train's MTA conductor came to us and talked to the girl and took her back to the other station to meet her mom. I waited for the next train. I got on the next train and a couple of stops later the girl and her mom found me and thanked me. As I traveled on toward work I couldn't help feeling little Carolyn come to me and those images I have when I was little and alone and I was filled with tears. I kept saying to little Carolyn that I loved her so much, that I was so proud of her for protecting her special spirit, she was not alone. I hugged her and whispered to her everything would be okay. Even as I write this I go back and do and say these things, and cry a little....

Naming fears part 3-befriending fear strategies

I was starting to get down on myself, thinking 'geez, I am messed up with all these fears - I am never going to move forward' and then I started thinking about my cancer and all he fears I face and developed strategies to over come them. So why don't I do the same with these other fears. Instead of looking at them in one huge ball and then getting overwhelmed, why not take them one at a time.

So here is a fear I developed a strategy to work around. I get the white coat syndrome when I have my blood pressure taken. In order for me to feel comfortable, care for and listened to, I now ask the nurses to do it manually, instead of using a blood pressure machine. Sometimes I get an exasperated or nasty look, but I explain to the nurses that the machine hurts and is very uncomfortable, and then I thank them many times for going out of their routine to do this. And a try to joke with them a little. I now do this in every doctors office I go to and I can report that the last time I saw a doctor my blood pressure was 120/82, prefect and I did panic about have my blood pressure measured.

Naming fears part 2

I thought of another fear: that I won't be taken seriously when I go to visit directors in other workshop oranizations

And then a bright spot came to me: making peace with my it. Very recently my 'it's activity was increasing. I started to get scared, I didn't want to go back to where I was a couple of years ago or more. So, I talked with it. I said in a friendsly calm almost loving inner voice 'yes I know you are and I truely thank you for your attention. You are trying to tell me something, let me to be aware, especially to love myself.' It was in this little conversation that I went from a place of annoyance and even fear to a place of acceptance and even gratitude. Now there was a time when I was terrified of it - to the point of almost lossing my marbles. Many people helped but one key came when I worked with a healer/shaman who helped me see that it was part of me. So for me to get to this point of thanking it for the reminder and for being gratiful for the message it gives me is a HUGE step. Again it a calmed down, but every few days sh gives me a shake. I say to her 'hello, thank you for reminding to love myself'

This little story gives me a path with my other fears, to begin to befriend them and make them my allies and early warning system for issues that need to be dealt with. I also use my anxiety in the way. My anxiety is my warning system telling me I need to deal with something and soon

Naming Fears

I have found it hard to write here recently because of dealing with doubt and fears. I don't want to talk about them, and that is one why they hide. I talk and named some of my fears in therapy yesterday. I sat down as part of my nightly devotion and letting go of worries I sat down and wrote down a whole bunch of fears and then put them in my worry box for the goddess, which is getting fun and I will burn all those worries next week at Lammas, August 1/2. As I think about these fears there are other fears behind them too. I think by sharing them in various ways, therapist, here, my worry box, I bring those fears out into the light where they can't hide and I begin to have the courage to not so much conquer them but to befriend them, as I relearned in a recent workshop. So to bring them out into the light, to befriend them, to see they are not so overwhelming and huge but scared little things. Also that fear are not be be fought, but to be befriended and then to see the I am not my fears which then I hope will allow me to work at overcoming them with courage. Here is some of the list. Fear of: being alone when I am old - especially when I die that I won't find an intimate loving caring sexy relationship Losing friends not making womanspace a reality the NYC Red Tent Temple will cease to exist Men - I am scared of them - that they won't listen, won't be respectful, won't love me, won't accept me as I am that i am not good enough - that I don't have the skills to make womanspace and other dreams a reality that i am not enough - that I have to do more to prove who I am, prove more that i am important not having resources to get old with no one loves me being a failure in life disappointing my parents - still of making mistakes never being seen or heard It is hard to write these because my fears are where I am most vulnerable and most hurt And this also makes me think of the ritual that was part of the workshop last week that walked women through naming their fears, what they were connected to and them by saying these things and by positive affirmations began to break the power of the fears.

I have to share this.....

A wise friend once said happiness is more often obtained when our expectations are in line with and changes with reality. I think we often operate under false hopes or we're thinking about how things were in the past. When we see life for how it really is around us and we adjust our behavior, decisions and wishes accordingly, there's a greater chance we will be pleased with how our lives are progressing. from Jai Pausch Her new book is Dream New Dreams: Reimagining My Life After Loss, This helps me realize that while reality changes and that I need to adjust my expectations to new realities - that I also don't have to let go of the dreams I am working on because of those changes.

Doctor visits and freaking out

So, it is Monday and the boss is on vacation. I went to get my yearly blood work done and a visit to my OBGYN doctor. My blood pressure was 122/83 even though I was freaking out about being a the doctor. Oh well, there goes that white coat syndrome. I have gained a little weight, 6 pounds, so I have to get back to counting/tracking. I have never been a fan of going to the doctor, but since being treated for cancer, it has become more stressful. It is a challenge calming the panic that happens when I go to the doctor. I am getting used to asking them to take my blood pressure manually instead of using that damned machine which I don't like because it squeezes for too long. I thanked the nurse for doing it manually, even thought she seemed a little miffed, and we joked about that machine. Next step is to get the results from the urine/blood tests. I am worried about having blood in the urine, an indication of possible kidney stone and my blood sugar. The next test is to get my mammogram done - that doesn't freak me out. Saw the movie Magic Mike this weekend - I wouldn't recommend seeing it - the male stripper dance routines were good and certainly enjoyable to watch - but other it wasn't worth it. Luckily, someone else paid for the tickets. That is all for now.

struggling with doubt

So, the wedding is over, the 4th of July has come and gone - and now I am freaking out - well maybe not that dramatic - but I am certainly struggling with doubt, especially doubt about finding that special someone, Womanspace and NYC Red Tent Temple. Daily, sometimes moment by moment, I let go, and try to be in the moment only to have the doubt and fear resurface. I know the doubt and anxiety want me to worry and go back to victimhood - maybe because I know it so well. I have vowed to myself that I will not go back there, but staying in the faithful confident place is hard too. I am working to stop doubt and keep open, calm and flowing feels like so much work. I have lots of insights and understanding, however, putting those ideas into practice takes lots of work and commitment. There are times when i want to wilt and cry for the enormity of the task - just a little give up time - or maybe little reset cry before gathering my strength again. Over the last few days I have really have been able to step beyond the doubt only to have it flare up again in front of me. Even just sitting here and sharing with you helps me to reclaim the calm. Anxiety is a delicate balance - there is good in it - that pushes me to get things done and keep on top of things. But when it gets to be too much. But right I now I kind of disagree with that - I think it is a delicate balance between following through on a passion - doing something for the hope, excitement and joy of creating something and letting that passion turn to panic through mistrust. This is all I can babble about right now - I feel better having babbled....