Letter from Fat Me to Skinny me

I have been wanting to write this letter for a long time - and now just seemed the right time to do it......

Dear Skinny Carolyn –

Ya You – What the…&*#@! You can be just so impatient – so back up – I have some things to get off my chest!

You know what I have already lost 50 pounds! I was over 316 and now I am at 260. I know I still have a long way to go. But let’s stop a moment and appreciate the work it took to get this far. And I only put on 10 pounds when I had cancer and I took it off again. I have not regained the weight that too is an achievement.  So let’s celebrate that!

Now, skinny you know all the changes I have made, exercising, changing my eating habits, eating healthier, walking more, tracking my food. But you know it is still hard. I still like my sweets and sugar. I don’t always eat as I should, but the good habits are out weighing the bad. I don’t track all the time. I do have a whole box cheese crackers and Rockefeller mud cake. I occasionally make pancakes. I have peanut butter and jelly for lunch. I still bake and sometimes get frozen dinners when I am just too tired to cook. Occasionally I still get a pint of Ben and Jerry’s though I can’t eat the whole pint. There are times when it feels like I am doing really good eating what I should and exercising and then there are times when I do sometimes do the emotional eating – I am always getting better at seeing the pattern and addressing what is bothering me in healthier ways and not using food to comfort the pain like a drug, but I also still fall of the wagon. I still have days – occasionally – when sweet and buttery things rule the day. 

For a long time I accepted my weight - I loved my soft roundness. I celebrated being Rubenesque or like the Venus of Willendorf. I learned how to look really good in the body I had. When my father once fussed to me about my weight - I responded in an annoyed voice that "Diet is Die with T" - that was the end of the diet discussion. I ate what I loved and lived the best as I could. Cancer and other health scares led me to reevaluate my eating patterns, my emotional eating patterns, my issues of hiding and silence and my relationships with food and people, I didn't want to be dead before 65 of something I had a chance to prevent.

I eat more veggies and whole grains. I have yogurt for breakfast. Most days I bring a big salad to work for lunch. I am always finding new ways to keep protein and carbs in good balance. For the summer I have been having Real Fruit popsicles for my sweet after dinner treat. I also don’t go to the bodega for chips on my way home from dinner. So I am slowly changing the physical patterns.

But you know it is more than just eating and exercise – it is psychological – it is the pain and hurt for all those years, the neglect from my mother, the hiding, the silence. The fat and emotional eating were protection from me getting hurt again – and protection for me that I didn’t put myself out there to be hurt – it was a fat wall of protection. This is the truth and I am now finally forgiving myself, my mother and also changing the patterns on so many different levels. It is not just feeling unheard and uncared for as a little girl, but also all of the pressure the culture and society inundates me and you with. How we should look, think, feel, act to get the good job, the right man, to have a happy life. I hid as a way of protection, of saving myself in a world where it felt like people didn’t want to listen or support or love me. I was silent too, I just went about doing my thing in silence. I learned silence in my family – we rarely talked about things and it wasn’t safe for me to share really deep hurts – no one helped me solve the problem or they didn’t support me with encouragement when I did try to fix things – and when I did I got either the fix-it solution for dad or no emotional support from mom.

So along with changing every day eating patterns I am also changing the emotional patterns. I am only learning now how to be happy for me, how to take gentle loving care of me, how to overcome the lack of self-confidence and pattern of silence, and to instead go after my dreams. I know I have hid behind my weight and my silence, and I still do. I can’t do that any more – I want to share, communicate, build community, put my words and wisdom out there at truth but also for hope for others who have been in similar situations to mine – with the message they too can be happy, they too can heal, with hard work.

Changing both these physical and emotional patterns takes work and practice from me every day –

Changing both these physical and emotional patterns takes work and practice from me every day. It takes being aware and careful all the time. It takes practice every day. Maybe it will get easier as time goes on, maybe it won’t.

I know I am scared to be seen and heard. I am scared to put myself out there in both deed and voice. But I can’t stay here either – I can’t stay in the silence and hiding – I don’t like it – I have to get out of this old cocoon and break out in to the light and live as my spirits asks me to live.

I am learning other ways to be in the world, wise but not naively all open. I am learning to put myself out there slowly in small steps. I am learning to be there for friends as much as I can in love and support, even when it is a little uncomfortable for me. I making new patterns that are different from the patterns I learned growing up. 

So Skinny, I know you are there and I am getting closer to you every day. I love that you keep me on track. I keep dedicating my healthy efforts to you again and again. I keep losing more weight and feeling healthier. Together we will get to my goal of 150 pounds. Every day with small acts I get closer to the goal.

Fat me.

Liberation

Really taking the time to befriend my fears leaves me feeling lighter and filled with hope. In the past I would try to conquer them or fight against them.

I've been thinking about how I listened to my anxiety but I never took it a step further. Back when I was in grad school I learned to befriend my anxiety to listen and talk to it, but I never went to the fear that caused the anxiety, well, maybe I did, as with needing to write papers and such. Now that I have taken it a step further and am now talking to the fear directly it feels like I have come to some deeper understanding and lends new meaning to the phrase: Know thy self

Befriending Fears

Today has been a day with buzz in it - from a little bit of coffee - to fun meditations - to working through befriending my fears. So - as much as I am bubbling over with good things, I really want to first tackle something, that is at least for me, hard. Dealing with shame and guilt about fear - Boy! is this a can of worms! I got thinking about shame and guilt's connection to fear from a friends Facebook post.

This really got the old juices flowing. It got me thinking about all the shame we have around what we are afraid of. Well, maybe by just naming my fears and being honest, if only with myself, that I have them, this brings the fear out into the light, away from hiding in dark places in shame. Naming my fears, both big and small, for me doesn't give them more power, by bring them out and saying them and bring honesty's light to them takes their power away. Is looks to me as shame is the enabler of fear - if we are ashamed of things then we are afraid of them. If we admit these things opening as things that are, that simple act takes a lot of fear's power away. Now lately I have gotten some of this guilt in my mind - here is the question that has run through my mind - what of my fears are my own making and what are fears that have been handed down to me, by family, friends or society? There is part of me that thinks I am responsible for all my fears - and yes I am responsible for deciding what to do with them. And then - Wow - more work at taking apart fears! So, I work on not just breaking the patterns of behavior and action associated with fear - but I must reframe the story about that fear so that the fear as my internal story is no longer a fear. Taking a look at fear in this way helps me to feel empowered and gives me great hope.

All of these thoughts about fear, actions and stories brings me back to the days right after 9/11/2001. I made a very conscious decision not to be afraid working my way back to my apartment in Brooklyn on 9/12/2001. I can remember talking on the phone with my boss, letting her know that my primary goal for the day was to make my way home. I was not going to let this attack stop me from moving around this city I love. They may bomb the train I travel on or catch in some other attack, but I was not going to let that stop me from trying to get to my home. So, knowing that the trains I needed were up and running, I left my brothers apartment on West 100th Street in Manhattan and headed home to 345 Westminster Road, Brooklyn. Was I a little scared - sure I was - but my determination kept me calm, and my trust that this was my small act of courage in the midst of so much horror and devastation.

Subway stories

I have been bursting to tell this story all morning. This is my good deed for the day. Waiting for the G train to leave the station at Court Square in Queens the subway doors closed leaving a mom on the platform and her daughter, probably about 9 or 10, separated from her mom on the train. The train started to pull out of the station. I was shocked they couldn't stop to open the doors, but they didn't. The Train crew sent the girl a message over the PA system to meet her mom at the next station. I saw her start to cry so I went over and it was okay, everything was going to be okay. The little girl blopped sad in the seat next to me. I told her I would get off the train with her and wait so she wouldn't be alone. So we got off the train to wait at the next station. Then a Court Square bound train pulled up on the opposite track and that train's MTA conductor came to us and talked to the girl and took her back to the other station to meet her mom. I waited for the next train. I got on the next train and a couple of stops later the girl and her mom found me and thanked me. As I traveled on toward work I couldn't help feeling little Carolyn come to me and those images I have when I was little and alone and I was filled with tears. I kept saying to little Carolyn that I loved her so much, that I was so proud of her for protecting her special spirit, she was not alone. I hugged her and whispered to her everything would be okay. Even as I write this I go back and do and say these things, and cry a little....

Naming fears part 3-befriending fear strategies

I was starting to get down on myself, thinking 'geez, I am messed up with all these fears - I am never going to move forward' and then I started thinking about my cancer and all he fears I face and developed strategies to over come them. So why don't I do the same with these other fears. Instead of looking at them in one huge ball and then getting overwhelmed, why not take them one at a time.

So here is a fear I developed a strategy to work around. I get the white coat syndrome when I have my blood pressure taken. In order for me to feel comfortable, care for and listened to, I now ask the nurses to do it manually, instead of using a blood pressure machine. Sometimes I get an exasperated or nasty look, but I explain to the nurses that the machine hurts and is very uncomfortable, and then I thank them many times for going out of their routine to do this. And a try to joke with them a little. I now do this in every doctors office I go to and I can report that the last time I saw a doctor my blood pressure was 120/82, prefect and I did panic about have my blood pressure measured.

Naming fears part 2

I thought of another fear: that I won't be taken seriously when I go to visit directors in other workshop oranizations

And then a bright spot came to me: making peace with my it. Very recently my 'it's activity was increasing. I started to get scared, I didn't want to go back to where I was a couple of years ago or more. So, I talked with it. I said in a friendsly calm almost loving inner voice 'yes I know you are and I truely thank you for your attention. You are trying to tell me something, let me to be aware, especially to love myself.' It was in this little conversation that I went from a place of annoyance and even fear to a place of acceptance and even gratitude. Now there was a time when I was terrified of it - to the point of almost lossing my marbles. Many people helped but one key came when I worked with a healer/shaman who helped me see that it was part of me. So for me to get to this point of thanking it for the reminder and for being gratiful for the message it gives me is a HUGE step. Again it a calmed down, but every few days sh gives me a shake. I say to her 'hello, thank you for reminding to love myself'

This little story gives me a path with my other fears, to begin to befriend them and make them my allies and early warning system for issues that need to be dealt with. I also use my anxiety in the way. My anxiety is my warning system telling me I need to deal with something and soon

Naming Fears

I have found it hard to write here recently because of dealing with doubt and fears. I don't want to talk about them, and that is one why they hide. I talk and named some of my fears in therapy yesterday. I sat down as part of my nightly devotion and letting go of worries I sat down and wrote down a whole bunch of fears and then put them in my worry box for the goddess, which is getting fun and I will burn all those worries next week at Lammas, August 1/2. As I think about these fears there are other fears behind them too. I think by sharing them in various ways, therapist, here, my worry box, I bring those fears out into the light where they can't hide and I begin to have the courage to not so much conquer them but to befriend them, as I relearned in a recent workshop. So to bring them out into the light, to befriend them, to see they are not so overwhelming and huge but scared little things. Also that fear are not be be fought, but to be befriended and then to see the I am not my fears which then I hope will allow me to work at overcoming them with courage. Here is some of the list. Fear of: being alone when I am old - especially when I die that I won't find an intimate loving caring sexy relationship Losing friends not making womanspace a reality the NYC Red Tent Temple will cease to exist Men - I am scared of them - that they won't listen, won't be respectful, won't love me, won't accept me as I am that i am not good enough - that I don't have the skills to make womanspace and other dreams a reality that i am not enough - that I have to do more to prove who I am, prove more that i am important not having resources to get old with no one loves me being a failure in life disappointing my parents - still of making mistakes never being seen or heard It is hard to write these because my fears are where I am most vulnerable and most hurt And this also makes me think of the ritual that was part of the workshop last week that walked women through naming their fears, what they were connected to and them by saying these things and by positive affirmations began to break the power of the fears.

I have to share this.....

A wise friend once said happiness is more often obtained when our expectations are in line with and changes with reality. I think we often operate under false hopes or we're thinking about how things were in the past. When we see life for how it really is around us and we adjust our behavior, decisions and wishes accordingly, there's a greater chance we will be pleased with how our lives are progressing. from Jai Pausch Her new book is Dream New Dreams: Reimagining My Life After Loss, This helps me realize that while reality changes and that I need to adjust my expectations to new realities - that I also don't have to let go of the dreams I am working on because of those changes.

Doctor visits and freaking out

So, it is Monday and the boss is on vacation. I went to get my yearly blood work done and a visit to my OBGYN doctor. My blood pressure was 122/83 even though I was freaking out about being a the doctor. Oh well, there goes that white coat syndrome. I have gained a little weight, 6 pounds, so I have to get back to counting/tracking. I have never been a fan of going to the doctor, but since being treated for cancer, it has become more stressful. It is a challenge calming the panic that happens when I go to the doctor. I am getting used to asking them to take my blood pressure manually instead of using that damned machine which I don't like because it squeezes for too long. I thanked the nurse for doing it manually, even thought she seemed a little miffed, and we joked about that machine. Next step is to get the results from the urine/blood tests. I am worried about having blood in the urine, an indication of possible kidney stone and my blood sugar. The next test is to get my mammogram done - that doesn't freak me out. Saw the movie Magic Mike this weekend - I wouldn't recommend seeing it - the male stripper dance routines were good and certainly enjoyable to watch - but other it wasn't worth it. Luckily, someone else paid for the tickets. That is all for now.

struggling with doubt

So, the wedding is over, the 4th of July has come and gone - and now I am freaking out - well maybe not that dramatic - but I am certainly struggling with doubt, especially doubt about finding that special someone, Womanspace and NYC Red Tent Temple. Daily, sometimes moment by moment, I let go, and try to be in the moment only to have the doubt and fear resurface. I know the doubt and anxiety want me to worry and go back to victimhood - maybe because I know it so well. I have vowed to myself that I will not go back there, but staying in the faithful confident place is hard too. I am working to stop doubt and keep open, calm and flowing feels like so much work. I have lots of insights and understanding, however, putting those ideas into practice takes lots of work and commitment. There are times when i want to wilt and cry for the enormity of the task - just a little give up time - or maybe little reset cry before gathering my strength again. Over the last few days I have really have been able to step beyond the doubt only to have it flare up again in front of me. Even just sitting here and sharing with you helps me to reclaim the calm. Anxiety is a delicate balance - there is good in it - that pushes me to get things done and keep on top of things. But when it gets to be too much. But right I now I kind of disagree with that - I think it is a delicate balance between following through on a passion - doing something for the hope, excitement and joy of creating something and letting that passion turn to panic through mistrust. This is all I can babble about right now - I feel better having babbled....

Hello again!

Well, it has been a little over a month since last writing and A LOT has gone on. Here is a quick recap: I don't know if I said it here in my blog - I lost 13 pounds as of the middle of May. I found out when I finally went to my yearly check up with my doctor. I suspect I have lost a little more since then. I know I can't eat as much as I used to. I went to have a burger at my local irish pub and I could barely finish the burger. BAM - that is a sign of progres... Where Women Gather: women's retreat/conference in PA that always leaves me feeling refreshed and reconnected to wonderful earthy goddess women. I went with a girlfriend Deb and had a wonderful restful time.

Started talking with another guy #2. We got to talking on the phone but I realized he wasn't listening to me. Another one who within a week had fallen in love with me without meeting me. This one was a construction engineer. I finally sent him a very frank final email detailing my concerns - and he still didn't get it - so good bye - besides I had a wedding to prepare for the forced me to shift my focus.

On 6/16 I met with old and new friends to see Judy Chicago's "The Dinner Party" at the Brooklyn Museum with the NYC Red Tent Temple. We had a great time, where inspired and found a neat little Chinese/Japanese restaurant to have a little repast and a long chat about all kinds of wonderful things. 

Which brings me to the wedding - wow, what a lot of work. While I took a week's vacation to prepare, it was a week filled with things to finish, everything from sewing my jacket to finishing the ceremony. All went very well. I received nothing but praise for guiding Emily and Mikey through the ceremony, especially from my family. I was exhausted afterward for a few days. Now I am back on my feet and feeling fine.

I am looking forward to seeing "Brave" this evening with a friend and escaping the heat this weekend by staying home and working on little projects that I now have some time give to them like painting a scarf for a friend who has breast cancer, taking in some clothes because they are too big on me and starting to fall off, and other little at home projects. I have some good movies for the weekend, Ninotchka and Casablanca and I have some patriot movies on the way for next week, 1776, Yankee Doddle Dandy and Mr. Smith goes to Washington.

On the spiritual/psychological side, I know things are slowly shifting and I am feeling my old confidence coming back. This really has taken a hit of the last 10 years or so - so it feels good to be stepping out and putting myself out there in such a positive way, even if it is in small steps right now. Especially connecting with more women and continuing to work at bring my dreams into reality.

I had a dream last night that I was doing a solo song/dance routine in front of hundreds of people and I was totally out there - I heard or said the words "I touch me - I see me - I taste me - I hear me - I smell me" all to this very bouncy effervescent music. I got up in the middle of the night and wrote it down because I didn't want to forget it.

Stay cool this weekend.

Wash that man right out of my hair

Okay, so I haven't written lately. I feel like I was caught in this mini-flirting-gone-wrong time warp.
So to bring you up to date really quick - guy emails me via meetup.com-we start emailing then texting-we try to meet but he doesn't show-he explains I forgive-he is supposedly out of the country for 3 weeks so we can't meet-we continue to text-yesterday he texted me tosee if I could send him $700-I say no- today he asks if we are still good-I say no and end it.
So, today I was feeling rather moppy and upset. Part of me questions "what if".  Last night I saw my therapist. And as this is going on I pulled a muscle in my back. Well, now he is gone and so to is much of my back pain.
As I was taking my bedtime show I decided a few things:
1. Not to do romantic talk/text/email during work
2. Always be myself - I know this seems obvious but I was starting to build defenses to this guy and that isn't good
3.  To feel love for myself I am playing my sinatra play list and tomorrow I am going to wear a nice dress to work (during my shower I decided to shave). I've got to much to do to feel bad about the situation. Time to love myself and get up and do things I love.......
A further thought came to me - that I had enter victimhood. As such I think I will make another rule to follow - you can't make the first date that's it, no second chances. By allowing this guy a second chance I wasn't respecting myself. I already had my defenses up against getting hurt when the first date was missed and I can't start a relationship from a defensive position.
To the guy: if you don't have the curtesy and respect for time and simple commitment to keep a first date then you aren't worth a second try....

Heart project xmas ornament

Here is the final result for my first heart xmas ornament

Here are some additional photos that shows the progress

dealing with a bad back

What a difference a day can make. Yesterday I was horizontal on a heating pad - today at least I am at work and in not too back discomfort. The culprit - my back. I did freak out a little - getting scared that this would not ease - but it has - thankfully. So there is that news.

Otherwise I had a great weekend of full moon ceremonies and workshops and long chats with friends - a good weekend, except for my back.

And I think I have a date!!! on Sunday - brunch with a guy who grew up in England, in Cambridge. I am not getting out ahead of myself - just working at keeping it grounded in the present. I will let you know what happens.

Friday

I let myself sleep in this morning, then I took my time getting ready. I even had a pep talk in the mirror "Carolyn, you are going to be fine. I know you are scared. You don't like going to doctors. This is a doctor you like. I love you. *wink and smile*. Goddess is right here with you - let go and trust her and things will be okay and don't forget to ask for the manual blood pressure machine"

Pep talk over - I have 'Mommy/Soma' brushing time in the morning which always lightens my mood. I put on my coat and scarf because some how my neck always gets cold - I put in my ear buds to listen to Beethoven and remind myself I games to play and books to ready if I begin to get anxious.

All went well until I got to the doctor office and they tell me the appointment is canceled, and that I canceled it.

I try not to make too much of a snit - but the mistake was theirs. I got an new appointment in June and went outside to the Union Square Farmers Market and took pictures of pretty flowers to calm down. I got some really nice pictures. Then I came to work. The one good up side of this is that I save $30 that I can use for something else over what is becoming a very busy weekend.

Getting out of my own way

Dearest Goddess,
Your patience and love are a blessings. As I say my evening prayers to you I reflect back on my day. Thank you for helping me through and emotionally draining day.  Again and again you show your love me in the love around from precious friends. As my friends show up and love my whole body aches with amazement, as I have not know such love a very long time. Whether it is a phone call from a best friend with words of love and encouragement, especially dealing with difficult feeling. I am blessed and amazed by the simple miracle to me of them showing up, listening to me and loving holding me in love no matter where I am at the moment. They show up, they can and they are willing to listen, talk, and help move and shift things. They are true blessings in my life, and I think my body aches as I let go of old patterns and begin to open and stretch myself to yours and their love. As I stretch I can love more and let more love it.

Goddess, I again open to you as I ask for your divine direction and guidance, I seem to have trouble getting the last part od my market analysis done. I put this in your hands and let my ego and limited acts step aside. If you want me to finish this, show me the path for this step in creating womanspace. When I am able to let go, I feel your calm fill me so I need not worry.

Now, I must sleep, and do so with a smile for all your blessings that are in and around me tonight, too many blessings to mention.

Always in love affection and loving letting go,
Carolyn

Dearest Sweet Carolyn,
You are remarkable! I know this morning you woke up groggy and blue. Soma didn't like last night's thunder storms and did her crazy cat thing in the middle of the night and you found out a co-worker, who has been a good supportive friend, is leaving for another job, and it was a gray, rainy morning, always hard for you to get going.

So lets talk - JP maybe going to a new job and you will miss him, but this does not necessarily mean your friendship will end. He now lives in your neighborhood and maybe you can go out for a couple of beers. You do see a possible future, but trust me, if the friendship is meant to last it will. I am honored that you let me deal with this and you made that choice on your way to work so the blues won't ruin your day.

I am so proud of you. You make the commitment each day  to open your a little more and trust a little more. I know it takes work and practice and I am right there with you in and through each breath, each choice, each subtle intuition. You are so precious to me and I love you. I love to see your eyes smile, especially in the morning when you make a conscious effort to love yourself in the mirror, looking for that love spark that is so uniquely yours.

Always in the Brightness that surrounds you,
Goddess Bridgit

Rain and Therapy and letters to the Goddess

Heavens, I know we need the rain, but it feels like we are having March weather in May - well, we had May weather in March, so there you go! It has been a coffee afternoon, since I don't drink it everyday - I see coffee as a treat and for today it is warming me up and being that little extra something to get through the afternoon.

Last night I talked about creating a better communication style for myself and trying to break the pattern I grew up with. I also talked about when people bring up red flags for me in communication - learning to be open and honest that there is a problem and hoping to talk through it, but to also not let go the red flag defense mechanism warning system - that tells me something is wrong that needs to be discussed. Very good conversation last night with the therapist. I also shared with her my epiphany that my fear and anxiety come from an insecure and unsupported childhood and my experience of that epiphany echoing back to me like the universe was saying "Yes, you get it - you have known it - you are right", an affirmation back from the universe. It feels like the fear has shifted somehow. I also talked about how much of what I am doing now is building the kind of support and love in my life now that I didn't have as a child/adolescent and haven't had in my life for a  very long time, if ever.

So, I find myself today writing another letter to the Goddess, feeling grateful for some many things:

Dearest Divine Mother,

I come to you today with a full, grateful and happy heart. It has been a long journey of reclaim me and you, a long journey of reclaim after having cancer. Though I have struggled, right now I feel so lucky. With May Day ushering in the light half of the year I finally am celebrating spring in it's glory - especially all the different colors of green leaves coming out. I also what to give thanks to you for bring such special people into my life - Ramona, Priscilla, Deb, Audrey, Beth, RTT women, Yellow Wolf, Judy, Cathy, Diane, Jocelyn - each are such precious wonderful women that have helped me know I am loved, honored and cared for. Just mentioning their names fills my heart with deep gratitude and honor to know them as I do. I also want to thank you for good therapists who help by listening, honoring, supporting and mentoring to better ways and patterns of living.

Lastly, thank you Great Mother - Bright One - Bridget - for being in my and around me. I am slowly learning how dear you are in my life, in all that I do. As I study and practice may our relationship become deeper and more trusting and loving - so that I can then share that with others.

Now, let me go walk in your rain - bless me with the rain as you do the earth and have nourish all creation.

Always in trust, love and gratitude,
Carolyn

HAPPY MAY DAY

Okay - so the rain slowed me down a little bit this morning, but the sun is coming out later and that is just fine.

It is MAY DAY - beginning to the lusty month of May! I am reading a book on Celtic Goddess and Gods. I have been reading about Bridgit. One story is that she was rescued Oenghus/Angus, the god of youth and love. This is the meeting of the dark and light halves of the year. So at the beginning of May, another turning of the year I want to let you know that a guy contacted me via Meetup.com. Yes, I got excited and I am also keeping it in perspective, not getting out ahead of myself, which I can do, very easily. Slow and a step at a time.

Part of my wishes I could go to the protests in Wall street today - not be at work, but instead stand with others and protest how screwed up our system is here. But I need to use my vacation/personal time for other things coming up - so here I am.

YIKES - I am through this day - didn't finish what I wanted to say here but got to go. Maybe tomorrow I will have a better shot at finishing my thoughts. I will have a little May Day celebration when I get home....

Wow what a weekend/Beltain Eve

Good and got lots done.

First - I treated my fellow April birthday girlfriend to a massage on Saturday. The masseuse really worked a bad knot out of my back leaving me to lounge around in hot baths and on heating pads yesterday because it still hurt. After the massages we went out for liner (lunch and dinner) and had Indian food - good Indian food.

If I wasn't aching from the massage then I watched some favorite movies like Forrest Gump and The Great Train Robbery with Sean Connery. I got some spring cleaning done! I got lots of chatchka, single socks, hair bands I no longer use, old letters and correspondence I no longer need, and general junk thrown out! It feels so good. Next up is books and clothes which I will donate.

Now before I get to more healing stories I want to share:
Today is May/Beltaine Eve - so I got some dark chocolate with salt and bacon in it - Waaaaaaaaaaaaaaa, amazing - I love dark chocolate with salt. Just have to be careful with the salt. I am going to do a quiet celebration May Eve tonight with candle magic and good food. Tomorrow after therapy I will pick up some flowers and maybe a little sweet in celebration of May Day.

"Let meadows shine with columbine and daffodils blossom away..." "Lusty Month of May" from the musical Camelot

On the therapy/healing from -
Something interesting happened to - this was after my afternoon with R having massages. We where talking about fear and patterns of violence and fear that are passed down in families, fears, that as children we really aren't aware of but that we react to none the less. Well, this got my sub or unconscious bubbling, thinking on fear and family patterns and anxiety being about the future - when part outside of my, part in me a knowing all of sudden - like me saying something to me, but from a wiser knowing place  - say to me - "Yes, you feared the future when you were little because no one was there to really guide you - you had to do it on your own - and you had no idea how to do it - you had to make it up as you went along - and that was so scary for so long - that fear created the anxiety" Now, it didn't come through to my quite so wordy - I just kind of knew it. I had said this to R during liner and I have been thinking it for awhile - but now it was coming to me as a affirmation outside of me - back to me

Here I am trying to trace back what R and I were talking about so that you and I can see the pattern and the affirmation. R and I were talking about fear in families - how we learn, sub to unconsciously about abuses to our people, families, clans, nation - by conquers - and how the pattern of fear, subjugation, violence can get passed down over centuries. I commented that I will never know what the fear pattern was in my mother's life she never said and now it is lost to me even if she could name it. Not only is my personal experience of being left alone very young to fend for myself at work, but so to are patterns my mother and father couldn't even name and those patterns may go back generations. So what is this would lead to such an affirmation of my own experience - I am not sure - but somehow it worked it's way through - to both affirm the experience of fear - but then also giving me the boost of confidence - as if the fear no longer matters.

Letter from skinny to obese Carolyn

this exercise if from A Course in Weight Loss

To write this amazing letter was a challenge - to put it in writing for myself, to be honest about fear, to love myself and the messages going through my mind about my skinny and fat me. This may take a few more letters to get through, but this is a good beginning.......

Dear voluptuous Carolyn

This is skinny Carolyn talking here. Hey I am here! Do you hear me!!! I call you voluptuous because you are – but you have too much voluptuous. Let’s be honest, you are obese. How long do I have to wait for you to get healthy and really slim down? I know you have lost 40 pounds, but you have at least 90 more to go. What your waiting for? The knees hurt and you don’t have enough energy to do the things you want like hiking and dancing. You have the extra chin - rolls on your back - that extra tummy - and flabby arms! When you do dance you can't do it for long - you tired so easily. And you are headed for diabetes if we don’t get this weight seriously under control as well as other health issues that obesity brings. You want to get off those blood pressure meds right? So what are you waiting for? I am not angry just impatient for you really step up, I mean step up in a big way.

I know you have changed a lot; your eating habits are healthier, you are walking more, you are tracking your sugar/carbs and salt. You have cut back on bread. You now have salads at lunch most work days. You have made a lot of changes, but still more needs to be done! You kept the weight off even through a fight with cancer. These are all wonderful accomplishments and changes. But I want to tell you, you need to step it up a little – be more consistent with your walking, especially after work, watch those sugars like a hawk! Maybe you need to start going back to the gym. Sugar is still a BIG challenge for you – keep working at it. You are cutting back – cut back more. You still need to shift away from carbs, eat more beans, less rice. Sweets are your Achilles Heel – if you are going to have sweets – have a taste/very small amount. 

You can’t wait any longer to accomplish this – the time is NOW! Do what you have to do to get your energy and health back. 

Now, I know you are afraid of being skinny. You are afraid of being vulnerable, attractive, even sexy. You are even afraid to be you, wonderful, loving, glorious you! You are afraid of what you and others will think when you are skinny! Sweety – you are so scared of you! I want you to be me and me you! You deserve it. You deserve to be loved and cherished – and you deserve to love you! TO LOVE ALL OF YOU!  That attempted rape happened so long ago and now you are working on all those issues for your childhood/adolescences and rape. You are lovingly yourself to healing. 

You know what you also have to stop listening to those who say "Don't get too thin" - what - they want to keep a little fat on you! Right now that sounds like "Don't love all of yourself - you have to stop short of being thin". I will get healthy and trim, you are just going to have to trust me to get to my right weight whether that is 150, 175 or 130 pounds. I can't let other people fear get in the way. I can't let their fear that I will not longer love them because they have extra weight, or that I have gone after my goal and they haven't stop me. Tell them to stop putting obstacles in your way. Tell them to stop worrying about how thin I will be and start worrying about their own weight. 

This is a life time journey of work and attention. You have done a good job so far, but you need to stop hiding, stop being so afraid of yourself and others. I give you my love - all of it and forever, now you need to love and trust me – let me help you not be afraid and to start loving yourself even more kindly and fiercely. Invite me to this joyous fun party of you becoming a beautiful, sexy, skinny you. You are doing this – you will reach your goal. I know you will. I love you and I hope you will learn to love and trust me so we can have more love to share. Lets hike and dance, love and be fierce, find joy and bliss together.

Love, Skinny Carolyn

Crazy day

Pratt's Fashion Show was last night. A show of graduating seniors work. Interesting night and today I am TIRED! I have the okay from the boss to go home early (I was also in a 8AM to help him with a meeting - woof!)

Observations from yesterday: Grumpy me - I don't like change - last minute changes to guest lists - sorry, generally speaking I am not much of a spontaneous person - I like a plan - I like to keep to my plans - plans = order - making a last minute decision to do something is a little strange to me - I am not saying a can't or don't do it, I do - but my modes operand i is to have a plan

almost overwhelmed me - I can do this - I ask for help - do it a step at a time - challenging when several things are going on at once or I think they are - unplug from the anxiety and now that things will get done okay - also reaching out to the Divine Goddess and order to calm me down - always such a challenge.....

Dearest Carolyn -
Breathe sister - I am here! Calm  - make a plan - take it a step at a time - You know how to do this! I have confidence in you. There you go - I see you light of love shining in you! Oh, that smile - yes, and the flutterings in your heart - Thank you. You reach out and reach in to touch me and listen. Let me just give you a big hug from the me and the universe! Smile girl Smile......and carry this with you all day... all will be well....
In deepest Love,
Your loving whispering Goddess