struggling with doubt

So, the wedding is over, the 4th of July has come and gone - and now I am freaking out - well maybe not that dramatic - but I am certainly struggling with doubt, especially doubt about finding that special someone, Womanspace and NYC Red Tent Temple. Daily, sometimes moment by moment, I let go, and try to be in the moment only to have the doubt and fear resurface. I know the doubt and anxiety want me to worry and go back to victimhood - maybe because I know it so well. I have vowed to myself that I will not go back there, but staying in the faithful confident place is hard too. I am working to stop doubt and keep open, calm and flowing feels like so much work. I have lots of insights and understanding, however, putting those ideas into practice takes lots of work and commitment. There are times when i want to wilt and cry for the enormity of the task - just a little give up time - or maybe little reset cry before gathering my strength again. Over the last few days I have really have been able to step beyond the doubt only to have it flare up again in front of me. Even just sitting here and sharing with you helps me to reclaim the calm. Anxiety is a delicate balance - there is good in it - that pushes me to get things done and keep on top of things. But when it gets to be too much. But right I now I kind of disagree with that - I think it is a delicate balance between following through on a passion - doing something for the hope, excitement and joy of creating something and letting that passion turn to panic through mistrust. This is all I can babble about right now - I feel better having babbled....