Here we are at that extra day that comes every 4 years. That really doesn't mean anything to me, but it is just a neat thing every 4 years.
Well, I spoke with my older sister last night about the past and trying to improve communication. It went well. As we spoke she reminded me and I do remember bringing up the disconnect in our family but nothing was ever done about - a MacLaury family trait along with retreating into silence. I got my sister to agree to a monthly phone call. When ever I do talk with her we have good conversations, but they are just too far apart. It got better when I was fighting cancer - but when I got better the old pattern emerged. I pointed out that both of us have to work at breaking the pattern and that if we don't take small steps to do that we aren't going to have much of a relationship after Mom and Dad leave us.
I am not sure this heals all the pain - but it is a step towards doing it and it may take time to build the trust. I think what is still disheartening is that I have spoken about this before to at least my older sister and yet she didn't seem to think it was important enough to try to change it. Forgive me but the MacLaury's get stuck behind their non-communicative walls of silence. She knew there was a problem and said she wanted to do something about it but never did.Well, lets see how the monthly phone calls go.
I was also able to shift the conversation to more mundane things and we talked about eating and changing habits and addiction to sugar and food. We had a good conversation.
Other news:
Both Monday and Tuesday I got off the subway 2 stops early and walked home. I don't know that I will do it tonight as it is raining!
As I mentioned, I did get ice cream on Saturday night - the emotional eating things - Ben and Jerry's blueberry cobbler. It was good, but it didn't hit that spot and so as I sat there eating a message went through my brain "why am I eating this, I am not really enjoying it".
I have started doing my food tracking again on weight watchers. I do it just before I go to bed at night.
Well that is all for now.....
Wednesday, February 29, 2012
Monday, February 27, 2012
Second anniversary of cancer surgery
Well, it didn't turn out quite the way I imagined. I was in a funk
for 2 days - struggling between gratitude and wow cancer. I didn't have a
celebratory brunch on Sunday. Instead I spent fairly quiet days
resting, taking care of myself, having lavender baths, watching "To
Catch a Thief" - Cary Grant (sigh) - making magic candles - and doing
small steps in my art project. I even had a pint of Ben & Jerry's ice cream. I did my Red Tent Temple of Saturday
which did me good to be with other women though it took all my energy
and courage to be there.
For me this anniversary was important, but in a different way from last year - last year really was a celebration and relief, with a cruise. This year I felt was important for all the gratitude I felt - but I wasn't able to share as much as I wanted to - and that hurt. Not that I want to give cancer any more due in my life than it deserves - but for me it is still very important - it was a catalyst - a catalyst to better happier times - so I am grateful to cancer too. But how do you celebrate something so important in your life that scares most people (to even just say the word) - and still scares me - to be honest. How do I communicate my deep gratitude and the importance of this in my life when others, for various reasons, may not be interested?
Well, I came up with a phrase for me - honoring - honoring everything - the pain, fear, love, hope - the whole ball of wax. Honoring is a hard thing to do if you haven't been through something similar - you have no personal experience with cancer, or if you do it may not have the same emotional importance. Most people don't want to celebrate cancer, nor do they realize how important it is on someone's life. Maybe it is like war vets who can't really convey their experience to civilians that didn't go through battle. They honor those who fought with them, those who died, and some have reunions and such - to do this for cancer survivors? When cancer is an individual experience? Maybe doing another 'relay for life' cancer walk would help this honoring process.
In asking myself about honoring I can do it for myself but I realize it is very hard to share it with others, especially 2 years out. While cancer is not an every day thought for me - it is still an emotional touch stone that still has a lot of importance. I am sure in time that touch stone will smooth and the emotions will soften, but for now they are still very strong and deep.
For me this anniversary was important, but in a different way from last year - last year really was a celebration and relief, with a cruise. This year I felt was important for all the gratitude I felt - but I wasn't able to share as much as I wanted to - and that hurt. Not that I want to give cancer any more due in my life than it deserves - but for me it is still very important - it was a catalyst - a catalyst to better happier times - so I am grateful to cancer too. But how do you celebrate something so important in your life that scares most people (to even just say the word) - and still scares me - to be honest. How do I communicate my deep gratitude and the importance of this in my life when others, for various reasons, may not be interested?
Well, I came up with a phrase for me - honoring - honoring everything - the pain, fear, love, hope - the whole ball of wax. Honoring is a hard thing to do if you haven't been through something similar - you have no personal experience with cancer, or if you do it may not have the same emotional importance. Most people don't want to celebrate cancer, nor do they realize how important it is on someone's life. Maybe it is like war vets who can't really convey their experience to civilians that didn't go through battle. They honor those who fought with them, those who died, and some have reunions and such - to do this for cancer survivors? When cancer is an individual experience? Maybe doing another 'relay for life' cancer walk would help this honoring process.
In asking myself about honoring I can do it for myself but I realize it is very hard to share it with others, especially 2 years out. While cancer is not an every day thought for me - it is still an emotional touch stone that still has a lot of importance. I am sure in time that touch stone will smooth and the emotions will soften, but for now they are still very strong and deep.
Thursday, February 23, 2012
News Alert!
The typical burger (or fish/sandwich) and chips/fries that Carolyn usually gets at a restaurant was over turned last night by a steak salad! Carolyn ordered a salad as an entree! Stop the clocks!
Yes, I did something I almost never do. and the salad was good! Imagine! I think I will do it again.
I got the salad before I did speed dating last night. I had a good evening though there were at least 3 guys that were there last night that I met in early January. Kind weird, but nice because we had different conversations. Well I just have to see what happens.
That is all I can report today.
Yes, I did something I almost never do. and the salad was good! Imagine! I think I will do it again.
I got the salad before I did speed dating last night. I had a good evening though there were at least 3 guys that were there last night that I met in early January. Kind weird, but nice because we had different conversations. Well I just have to see what happens.
That is all I can report today.
Wednesday, February 22, 2012
Having good days
There is a lot going around on that carousel of thoughts in my mind.
First - I have a good weekend. I got my dad to tell stories about his mom and dad, stories I never knew. While I thought I might talk to my sister J about some of my stories surfacing lately, I decided against that and instead just enjoyed having a good weekend with her. I started helping Emily plan her wedding ceremony. We are still trying to figure out how I can be the officiant. Hopefully documents coming from Bucks County will help clarify that.
I had a good therapy session last night. We talked about healing process, giving old wounds space to be and to tell the stories to the past - telling the story takes some of the power way for them to hurt you in the future. We also talked about being single and how hard it is to keep things, especially in my imagination, from spiraling out of control and how lonely it is to deal with life on my own. For everyone who thinks being single has greener grass on the other side of the fence - I would loudly differ with you - being single is just different, it isn't better than being coupled. One thing I do miss, and a thing that I know keeps me more grounded and less prone to emotional roller-coaster rides is having someone around all the time. When I am with friends, family - I find it very hard to leave, I want to stay where I have companionship. While I would still want time alone to work on my projects and give me a chance to take care of me - I also want the companionship. Now, granted I could get into a relationship that isn't grounded - but I am not going to what I don't want and focus on what I do want in a relationship.
On the food front, I have been thinking more about the emotional eating - but this time in excess from celebration. I've done some good things in working to change this pattern. In celebrating LOVE week (valentine's day) I got raspberry sorbet - pink dessert - well I ate it over 4 nights! I didn't eat the whole thing all at once! Last night I needed a little something to get me through therapy and home so I a little packet of Skin Cow Chocolate Clusters - they were very good and I said to myself when I was done "that was just perfect little something". Usually when having anything like the sorbet or chocolate cluster, there is something in my brain and in my mouth/stomach that says, "Oh! that was good, one more would be good, and fill the little empty spot, I am not satisfied yet" - maybe by saying something different to myself like "that was just prefect little something, just right" it will help change the habit.
I am off speed dating tonight - as always my goal is to have fun and meet new people. When I get my tax refund I will try Match.com as another strategy.
First - I have a good weekend. I got my dad to tell stories about his mom and dad, stories I never knew. While I thought I might talk to my sister J about some of my stories surfacing lately, I decided against that and instead just enjoyed having a good weekend with her. I started helping Emily plan her wedding ceremony. We are still trying to figure out how I can be the officiant. Hopefully documents coming from Bucks County will help clarify that.
I had a good therapy session last night. We talked about healing process, giving old wounds space to be and to tell the stories to the past - telling the story takes some of the power way for them to hurt you in the future. We also talked about being single and how hard it is to keep things, especially in my imagination, from spiraling out of control and how lonely it is to deal with life on my own. For everyone who thinks being single has greener grass on the other side of the fence - I would loudly differ with you - being single is just different, it isn't better than being coupled. One thing I do miss, and a thing that I know keeps me more grounded and less prone to emotional roller-coaster rides is having someone around all the time. When I am with friends, family - I find it very hard to leave, I want to stay where I have companionship. While I would still want time alone to work on my projects and give me a chance to take care of me - I also want the companionship. Now, granted I could get into a relationship that isn't grounded - but I am not going to what I don't want and focus on what I do want in a relationship.
On the food front, I have been thinking more about the emotional eating - but this time in excess from celebration. I've done some good things in working to change this pattern. In celebrating LOVE week (valentine's day) I got raspberry sorbet - pink dessert - well I ate it over 4 nights! I didn't eat the whole thing all at once! Last night I needed a little something to get me through therapy and home so I a little packet of Skin Cow Chocolate Clusters - they were very good and I said to myself when I was done "that was just perfect little something". Usually when having anything like the sorbet or chocolate cluster, there is something in my brain and in my mouth/stomach that says, "Oh! that was good, one more would be good, and fill the little empty spot, I am not satisfied yet" - maybe by saying something different to myself like "that was just prefect little something, just right" it will help change the habit.
I am off speed dating tonight - as always my goal is to have fun and meet new people. When I get my tax refund I will try Match.com as another strategy.
Thursday, February 16, 2012
Telling my secret
I am feeling compelled to this because if I get it out of my system, to tell my secret, it is no longer a secret, and it will have less power to hurt me. This secret has been in hiding in silence and fear for many years. In the vain that what doesn't destroy me makes me stronger is way I am telling it now. I have done this with telling the story of my attempted rape, and that has made me stronger. I have also told this story to my therapist, and she and other girlfriends have given me the courage to keep going. Telling my therapist first was such a relief because that was the first time I ever let to the story to someone else. While part of it hurt, I mean really hurt, I know that telling the story will help heal that hurt and also makes me feel lighter because I am no longer carrying this burden or hiding this story in fear and silence. This story is seeing the light of day.
I feel, now, I also need to put a caveat here as well. To ask that who ever reads this not jump to conclusions or assumptions about my past. It is my past and my story to tell. If I don't remember something, I don't remember it - and I may never remember it. Right now I have enough on my plate just getting this story out that I am not focusing on what I don't remember. If that story comes back to me then I will tell it when it is ready.
So, with a heavy sigh, let me take you back. I have already written some about my horrible experience of 5th grade when no one had my back and didn't care or protect me. I left out part of the story because I am afraid that you will judge me as I was judged in the 5th grade. I am scared that you will find me some sort of deviant or not worthy of love. Now I know this is the 5th grade me talking so in order the stop the fear I am going to bring it out in the open and talk about it. It no longer has a chance to be silent or to hide or to be afraid.
So, the missing part of the story of 5th grade was that I was bullied and teased and a "humper." Not only was I called this by some fellow students, but I was also called out by a male teacher, in front of the whole class.
Now to why I would be called this, to that I have to go back to 1st grade. Somehow I learned - and how I learned this I can't remember - that by pressing my pelvis on the edge of my school desk, while seated, produced a very pleasant experience, and orgasm. It wasn't something that others noticed since it happened as I was seated at my desk. I remember doing it in 1st grade, but 2nd 3rd and 4th I don't recall doing it, and that could be because the desks where a different design. I wasn't ashamed of this activity - and as I said I don't remember how I learned, I may never remember and for right now that is okay with me, it is my story.
So, now forward to 5th grade, new school and new classmates. I was picked on because I wasn't fashionable, I mixed plaid and stripes (a fashion faux-pas), I was chubby, I was developing my women's shape ahead of everyone else, I started wearing glasses, I had migraines, I was put in remedial reading for some reason, I don't know why. My mom and dad where no help in solving these problems and some couldn't be helped.. I must have discovered that I could do what I did in 1st grade. Classmates saw what was happening. I don't know if the particular math teach was told or saw for him self - but he took it on him self to call me out in public in front of my classmates. I was mortified and embarrassed - I learned to start to hide and that being alone was more of a comfort to me then being with anyone. I know during that school year I saw a school psychiatrist - but I can't say if it was in relation to this incident or other things going on.
So there, is the missing part of the story. Regardless of what anyone else thinks right now it feels good to tell the story and to let it go, to let it out, to take away it's power to hurt me through fear and silence. Since my therapy was Tuesday evening and my special valentine to myself ~ yesterday I spent the day at home trying to love myself - to cry - for the all pain this has caused over the years - for the pain of then and that there was no one there to love me or help me - I watch a fun little animated film "How to train your dragon" that I love, but that I also weeped through it because it shows love the little c feels like she never had. It felt like my guts where out on the floor - but I also know that telling the story and letting it go is the ultimate healing.
I feel, now, I also need to put a caveat here as well. To ask that who ever reads this not jump to conclusions or assumptions about my past. It is my past and my story to tell. If I don't remember something, I don't remember it - and I may never remember it. Right now I have enough on my plate just getting this story out that I am not focusing on what I don't remember. If that story comes back to me then I will tell it when it is ready.
So, with a heavy sigh, let me take you back. I have already written some about my horrible experience of 5th grade when no one had my back and didn't care or protect me. I left out part of the story because I am afraid that you will judge me as I was judged in the 5th grade. I am scared that you will find me some sort of deviant or not worthy of love. Now I know this is the 5th grade me talking so in order the stop the fear I am going to bring it out in the open and talk about it. It no longer has a chance to be silent or to hide or to be afraid.
So, the missing part of the story of 5th grade was that I was bullied and teased and a "humper." Not only was I called this by some fellow students, but I was also called out by a male teacher, in front of the whole class.
Now to why I would be called this, to that I have to go back to 1st grade. Somehow I learned - and how I learned this I can't remember - that by pressing my pelvis on the edge of my school desk, while seated, produced a very pleasant experience, and orgasm. It wasn't something that others noticed since it happened as I was seated at my desk. I remember doing it in 1st grade, but 2nd 3rd and 4th I don't recall doing it, and that could be because the desks where a different design. I wasn't ashamed of this activity - and as I said I don't remember how I learned, I may never remember and for right now that is okay with me, it is my story.
So, now forward to 5th grade, new school and new classmates. I was picked on because I wasn't fashionable, I mixed plaid and stripes (a fashion faux-pas), I was chubby, I was developing my women's shape ahead of everyone else, I started wearing glasses, I had migraines, I was put in remedial reading for some reason, I don't know why. My mom and dad where no help in solving these problems and some couldn't be helped.. I must have discovered that I could do what I did in 1st grade. Classmates saw what was happening. I don't know if the particular math teach was told or saw for him self - but he took it on him self to call me out in public in front of my classmates. I was mortified and embarrassed - I learned to start to hide and that being alone was more of a comfort to me then being with anyone. I know during that school year I saw a school psychiatrist - but I can't say if it was in relation to this incident or other things going on.
So there, is the missing part of the story. Regardless of what anyone else thinks right now it feels good to tell the story and to let it go, to let it out, to take away it's power to hurt me through fear and silence. Since my therapy was Tuesday evening and my special valentine to myself ~ yesterday I spent the day at home trying to love myself - to cry - for the all pain this has caused over the years - for the pain of then and that there was no one there to love me or help me - I watch a fun little animated film "How to train your dragon" that I love, but that I also weeped through it because it shows love the little c feels like she never had. It felt like my guts where out on the floor - but I also know that telling the story and letting it go is the ultimate healing.
Wednesday, February 15, 2012
Thought about celebrations
Thinking about over indulging at celebrations.what if eating too much are emotions way of trying to make a good thing, a joyous occation go on for as longer as it can. Keep eating an the celebration continues.... when in truth the celebration comes to an end. Emotions are afraid the good emotion is going to end - over indulge and the emotions 'think' they can stay happy with food. I will have reread this in the morning to see if it makes sense.
The movie tonight was 'An affair to remember" with cary grant (sigh) and debra kerr. Definitely a 4-5 tissue movie.
Tuesday, February 14, 2012
Valentines Day
Today is proving to be a mixture of sorrow and love - but I think in the tears there is also love. It started this morning listening to NPR's Morning Edition and a story of a man who loved his wife so much. It was just before I walked out the door and it made me cry.
So, on the train trip to work I am having the imaginary conversation with my sisters about my growing up and trying not to get upset. 'Okay Carolyn, ground, breathe, be in the moment' and in one of those moments I realized even in the sorrow that the act of telling my story was my act of love ~ stopping hiding, start talking about the elephant in the room, the one that has been there for 40 years. This is coming up because I am thinking of talking to one of my sister this weekend and just telling my story, the story of the family I grew up in. I don't expect them to fix it - I just want to tell the story - I want to end this silence - this issue that never got talked about but that is important to me. Telling the story is an act of love to and for myself. And I am telling to the sister who will listen to me and to whom I have the closest relationship among my siblings.
So, for day I am holding myself in love - knowing I am loved by others - knowing I love myself, even in my sorrow. I am wearing my favorite pink shirt along with heart socks, heart/healing necklace, heart earrings, heart bracelet and heart knickers. So I have surround me with favorite heart things!
On the food front:
Making the split between eating and emotions, to then not eat emotionally, things like ice cream, chips and cookies, when I am upset is a big step and I am working on being aware of it day by day. I have realized that I am taking food out of the 'fixing the upset' equation. Taking negative/upset emotions out of eating is one eating dynamic - but there is another - eating in celebration and joy. Maybe disconnection eating things I love while celebrating happiness and joy in my life is harder. Taking those feel good/taste good foods out of the 'celebrate equation' is possible - using other activities to celebrate and/or finding other foods to celebrate with - but I still need to work on this.
So, I have gotten special foods for today - lasagna and raspberry sorbet - and I have some pear/apple hard cider. After therapy tonight I am not sure what movie I will watch - maybe 'Jane Eyre' or 'Seabiscuit' or 'Sense and Sensibility' - all movies that I love.
Sending all of you love on this day ~ I hope you find special ways to love yourself today......
So, on the train trip to work I am having the imaginary conversation with my sisters about my growing up and trying not to get upset. 'Okay Carolyn, ground, breathe, be in the moment' and in one of those moments I realized even in the sorrow that the act of telling my story was my act of love ~ stopping hiding, start talking about the elephant in the room, the one that has been there for 40 years. This is coming up because I am thinking of talking to one of my sister this weekend and just telling my story, the story of the family I grew up in. I don't expect them to fix it - I just want to tell the story - I want to end this silence - this issue that never got talked about but that is important to me. Telling the story is an act of love to and for myself. And I am telling to the sister who will listen to me and to whom I have the closest relationship among my siblings.
So, for day I am holding myself in love - knowing I am loved by others - knowing I love myself, even in my sorrow. I am wearing my favorite pink shirt along with heart socks, heart/healing necklace, heart earrings, heart bracelet and heart knickers. So I have surround me with favorite heart things!
On the food front:
Making the split between eating and emotions, to then not eat emotionally, things like ice cream, chips and cookies, when I am upset is a big step and I am working on being aware of it day by day. I have realized that I am taking food out of the 'fixing the upset' equation. Taking negative/upset emotions out of eating is one eating dynamic - but there is another - eating in celebration and joy. Maybe disconnection eating things I love while celebrating happiness and joy in my life is harder. Taking those feel good/taste good foods out of the 'celebrate equation' is possible - using other activities to celebrate and/or finding other foods to celebrate with - but I still need to work on this.
So, I have gotten special foods for today - lasagna and raspberry sorbet - and I have some pear/apple hard cider. After therapy tonight I am not sure what movie I will watch - maybe 'Jane Eyre' or 'Seabiscuit' or 'Sense and Sensibility' - all movies that I love.
Sending all of you love on this day ~ I hope you find special ways to love yourself today......
Monday, February 13, 2012
Still learning about Love
For a single person I love Valentines's Day. Why? Because I get to love myself. I bought roses for myself. I did candle magic last night about love and relationships. I bought some special food - red of course. I even go those valentine decorations you can put on windows and mirrors. I now have pink and red hearts all over my apartment. I pink/red/purple xmas light that help magically light these cold days. Over the week I kicked of my LOVE celebrations with a friend, celebrating being cancer free by sharing a bottle of bubbly. Yesterday I cooked quiche, took a long hot bath (more for my aching knees), did a little shopping as I walked down Broadway in the freezing cold. And I watch Pride and Prejudice with Laurence Olivier and Greer Garson - just magic. Tonight is our Vagina Monologues fundraiser and tomorrow I see my therapist, which I see as a loving activity for me. I haven't had a chance to work on my heart project so that will fill the evenings for the rest of the week - I will send you pictures. I even buy myself Valentine cards - write inspirational things in them, and then send them through the mail to myself!
While I am very cheerful today the last week has been a difficult one. I have been looking honestly at my childhood - and trying to sugar coat it anymore, or make excuses for why what happened, happended.
It actually helps to write it here - to look again - with not so much hurt - to get it down in writing and out of the hiding, shame, and excuses. I think part of this is putting the anger, hurt and victimhood in it's proper place and working on loving and forgiving myself for what I thought I should have done but could, and facing to really how lonely I was.
A couple of things that struck me over the weekend especially. I was watching the DVD of the Vagina Monologues. One section chronicle the stories of woman from either the Rose Bud or Pine Ridge Reservation. One statement they made that stuck with me - "It is like we are invisible". Now I know this statement as a feminist in an intellectual way - but that statement stuck me much closer to home - within the dysfunction of my own family - I am invisible - or I feel invisible in my own family. In my family I think all of us are in some degree - we are invisible to each other.
The second ring to the soul was at church yesterday. The day's sermon topic was families. Different kinds of family. As the minister moved through the sermon, she talked about what made successful families. She sighted a study from the University of Nebraska.
Here is the link if you want to take a look.
http://digitalcommons.unl.edu/cgi/viewcontent.cgi?article=1282&context=extensionhist
While I am very cheerful today the last week has been a difficult one. I have been looking honestly at my childhood - and trying to sugar coat it anymore, or make excuses for why what happened, happended.
It actually helps to write it here - to look again - with not so much hurt - to get it down in writing and out of the hiding, shame, and excuses. I think part of this is putting the anger, hurt and victimhood in it's proper place and working on loving and forgiving myself for what I thought I should have done but could, and facing to really how lonely I was.
A couple of things that struck me over the weekend especially. I was watching the DVD of the Vagina Monologues. One section chronicle the stories of woman from either the Rose Bud or Pine Ridge Reservation. One statement they made that stuck with me - "It is like we are invisible". Now I know this statement as a feminist in an intellectual way - but that statement stuck me much closer to home - within the dysfunction of my own family - I am invisible - or I feel invisible in my own family. In my family I think all of us are in some degree - we are invisible to each other.
The second ring to the soul was at church yesterday. The day's sermon topic was families. Different kinds of family. As the minister moved through the sermon, she talked about what made successful families. She sighted a study from the University of Nebraska.
Of the 6 components for a successful family 3 of them weren't around, at least when I was growing up - they where
1.Appreciation
and affection: People in strong
families deeply care for one another, and they let each other know this on a
regular basis. They are not afraid to express their love.
I know my parents loved me - but they rarely expressed when I was growing up.
2.Positive
communication: Successful families
are often task-oriented in their communication, identifying problems
and discussing how to solve them together. Perhaps even more
important than this, however, strong families also spend time talking
with and listening to one another just to stay connected. Some of
the most important talk occurs when no one is working at
connection: open-ended, rambling conversations can reveal important information
which helps smooth out the bumps of family living. In the family I grew up in we didn't discuss how to solve problems. Mom and Dad decided how it was handled with little or no input from me.
3. Successful
management of stress and crisis Strong families are
not immune to stress and crisis, but they are not as crisis-prone as troubled families tend to be.
Rather, they possess the ability to manage both daily stressors and difficult
life crises creatively and
effectively. They know how to prevent trouble before it happens and how to work together to meet
challenges when they inevitably occur in life. This dovetails in with #2 - with out the positive communication stress doesn't get managed - rather it gets stuffed, turns into anxiety about how I am going to handle this because no one else is.
Well, there I sat in church crying. My family wasn't successful and I was one of the few people who didn't raise my hand indicating if I had a happy family life. Luckily I have friends at church and I cried on their shoulders. I even shared with my minister that I was one of those that didn't have a happy childhood. I am telling the truth and letting the story out. I feels like I am telling this story in different ways to different people and it feels good to just tell the truth and stop hiding behind some made up facade of a happy family.
So all of this eventually comes back around to "well now what?" - Loving myself! As I go back - I talk to Little C (my nickname for myself) and tell her I love her and hold her and go back to those wind swept grass fields I would sit in under the afternoon sun. I love myself by celebrating LOVE week. This where I am right now and that feels okay. It isn't all in it's place and in the past, no longer a present day trigger, but by letting it out I know I am getting there.
http://digitalcommons.unl.edu/cgi/viewcontent.cgi?article=1282&context=extensionhist
Friday, February 10, 2012
What a difference a day makes
Lots of things happened yesterday so I am just going to go through them as I think of them:
- saw able to see and do the disconnection between eating and being emotional and emotional eating. By not giving in to my emotions, but rather keep to what I planned to eat for the day I was able to see that I could disconnect the need to eat for comfort from eating food for nourishment and energy. There a few times during the day what I wanted to chocolate or something but I remained committed to letting my emotions rule my eating habits. I need to work on reinforcing this pattern but it feels good to have made the connection for myself.
- Last night on the way home I was 'talking' to the 5th grader Carolyn. And I was listening to her too. I listened to her hurt and pain and I cried with her. She kept asking me "what am I suppose to do?" I said "I don't know right now" and then I told her that she will not be alone again, that I am always here/there to love her and help her and that she can trust me to have her back. For right now, as I 'touch' her she doesn't feel as scared and hurt. There is still a lot of story to tell - but we are no longer willing to be silent and afraid.
- I got my Valentine decorations up and cards ready to go in the mail.
- This morning I again realized that I have a choice how I feel. Having spent yesterday with 5th grade Carolyn in a weepy place - I realized this morning that I am in the here and now and the me now is not the sad lonely scared 5th grade Carolyn, but today I am the strong, confident, happy Carolyn of now. Big spirit boost for today!
Thursday, February 9, 2012
not emotional eating
It hasn't felt like a celebration - not having to go through a CT scan and reaffirming I am cancer free. If anything I have wanted hugs today - and have felt my loneliness instead. It stung more when my sister asked me about celebrating - from someone I have a complicate past with and who doesn't understand or maybe know how terribly lonely and feeling unloved I felt as I grew up.
Last night I did have cheddar chips, avocado dip (not guacamole), cupcakes and Drambuie in almond milk (good combination) - this is the celebration part. I did have my leek/bacon/cheese casserole and some quinoa for dinner. I watched the movie "The Great Race" with Tony Curtis/Jack Lemon/Natalie Wood. That really made me laugh. Jack Lemon plays a ridiculous villian with Peter Falk as his sidekick. Finally I settled with my Drambuie and wrote a poem, not about the celebration, but that the other shift that happens away from dealing with cancer all the time.
All of which brings me today.
Last night I did have cheddar chips, avocado dip (not guacamole), cupcakes and Drambuie in almond milk (good combination) - this is the celebration part. I did have my leek/bacon/cheese casserole and some quinoa for dinner. I watched the movie "The Great Race" with Tony Curtis/Jack Lemon/Natalie Wood. That really made me laugh. Jack Lemon plays a ridiculous villian with Peter Falk as his sidekick. Finally I settled with my Drambuie and wrote a poem, not about the celebration, but that the other shift that happens away from dealing with cancer all the time.
All of which brings me today.
Shifts in life
Whew! got through the meeting today with no glitches.
Last night went to my therapist and we talked about the doctor appointment and we also started working on the loneliness and hurt of my childhood. I went home I realized I relieved to tell my story and someone honored it by listening but also I touched my little girl Carolyn. At first I just kind of sat with the hurt and sad feelings, to neither push them away or to overwhelm me - though the sorrow did come with some very hurt and lonely tears - but I didn't run away from them. Then I started writing down some of the memories - that 5th grade was a pivotal year when I changed schools and that changed my life. R gives me the inspiration to keep it honest and to bring the uncomfortable things out of the dark and shame and just face them. I am not ready to share them here, but I am encourage that I am bringing them into the light. I also talked last night about forgiveness and how while I have done some forgiving of the past - I have not found peace. To find that peace right now, means being angry and letting all those emotions that I couldn't share out.
But as I was going to bed - I know I had to put myself in a more positive or loving frame of mind - or I was going to wake up upset. Here is what I wrote to myself: Loving the hurt and angry carolyn, letting it be, sitting with the hurt and just it and me as much as I can maybe part of the answer to healing and escaping the box (of my past) - Loving that hurt part doesn't make it go away right now, but it does give me space and room to Love all of me, especially the hurt, lonely, silenced, sad me. Doing that act of loving, embracing me allowed me to get a good nights sleep and wake positive this morning.
As I have thought about that turning point in my life I was thinking how life was from k-4 and then the changes 5th grade brought on. I was particularly thinking about what I felt about my body - and also how other related to me. From k-4 I went to a small school, one class per grade, except 5 and 6 which changed classes. I knew all my classmates, we all progressed together. While I was chubby I never felt ashamed about my body and also I didn't feel so isolated.
In 5th grade we didn't move, but my small school was cut back and my class was force to join a larger elementary school. I lost most of my friends. All of a sudden we were changing for 4 classes a day. I no longer fit in but was bullied and called names. This is the time when I felt that no one had my back and didn't help me, but rather ostracized me. On top of all this I was going through the shift from girl to woman changes body, that my mother was seemed to me ill equipped to deal with. There were probably times earlier when I felt alone in the world but this is a very clear memory I have now and one where I can painfully remember the loneliness. The others may come later.
So I begin to look back and to tell my story to who ever is listening.
Last night went to my therapist and we talked about the doctor appointment and we also started working on the loneliness and hurt of my childhood. I went home I realized I relieved to tell my story and someone honored it by listening but also I touched my little girl Carolyn. At first I just kind of sat with the hurt and sad feelings, to neither push them away or to overwhelm me - though the sorrow did come with some very hurt and lonely tears - but I didn't run away from them. Then I started writing down some of the memories - that 5th grade was a pivotal year when I changed schools and that changed my life. R gives me the inspiration to keep it honest and to bring the uncomfortable things out of the dark and shame and just face them. I am not ready to share them here, but I am encourage that I am bringing them into the light. I also talked last night about forgiveness and how while I have done some forgiving of the past - I have not found peace. To find that peace right now, means being angry and letting all those emotions that I couldn't share out.
But as I was going to bed - I know I had to put myself in a more positive or loving frame of mind - or I was going to wake up upset. Here is what I wrote to myself: Loving the hurt and angry carolyn, letting it be, sitting with the hurt and just it and me as much as I can maybe part of the answer to healing and escaping the box (of my past) - Loving that hurt part doesn't make it go away right now, but it does give me space and room to Love all of me, especially the hurt, lonely, silenced, sad me. Doing that act of loving, embracing me allowed me to get a good nights sleep and wake positive this morning.
As I have thought about that turning point in my life I was thinking how life was from k-4 and then the changes 5th grade brought on. I was particularly thinking about what I felt about my body - and also how other related to me. From k-4 I went to a small school, one class per grade, except 5 and 6 which changed classes. I knew all my classmates, we all progressed together. While I was chubby I never felt ashamed about my body and also I didn't feel so isolated.
In 5th grade we didn't move, but my small school was cut back and my class was force to join a larger elementary school. I lost most of my friends. All of a sudden we were changing for 4 classes a day. I no longer fit in but was bullied and called names. This is the time when I felt that no one had my back and didn't help me, but rather ostracized me. On top of all this I was going through the shift from girl to woman changes body, that my mother was seemed to me ill equipped to deal with. There were probably times earlier when I felt alone in the world but this is a very clear memory I have now and one where I can painfully remember the loneliness. The others may come later.
So I begin to look back and to tell my story to who ever is listening.
Wednesday, February 8, 2012
letting go of cancer?
Here in the quiet before bed
Relief’s tears creep in on me
The shaky breath I take in
As I sip Drambuie
And a whisper in my mind
Something I almost dare not speak
It is over
It carries so much with it
Something that has been in my life
Not far from anything
Might be
Done
Over
And the awesome feeling
Of what
That life return to normal
Well no – I can never return to the past
Then what
Of the future
To step up
Move on
Let go of Cancer
Some might say
Hell Yes
But for me
Cancer has been a motivator
A Blessing in disguise
Something to fight
A reason to make my life better
To follow my passion before it was too late
Some of my tears ask
What next?
Has my life have other goals
To propel me forward
And do I dare let go of cancer
In the chance it will come back
Well maybe it is best to let that go
Since I tell cannot my future
But it will forever, at least for now
Lay in the back of my mind
And so maybe I will never completely let it go
But let it be where it belongs
In some future
Then my past
For now to hold the joy, celebration
The quiet hope
Passions determination
And sigh
With the dishes needing to be done
Meetings attended
When I want to nothing more then go
To the Top of the Empire State Building
With friends
And
Dance and Shout
I am Free
I am Cancer Free
Relief’s tears creep in on me
The shaky breath I take in
As I sip Drambuie
And a whisper in my mind
Something I almost dare not speak
It is over
It carries so much with it
Something that has been in my life
Not far from anything
Might be
Done
Over
And the awesome feeling
Of what
That life return to normal
Well no – I can never return to the past
Then what
Of the future
To step up
Move on
Let go of Cancer
Some might say
Hell Yes
But for me
Cancer has been a motivator
A Blessing in disguise
Something to fight
A reason to make my life better
To follow my passion before it was too late
Some of my tears ask
What next?
Has my life have other goals
To propel me forward
And do I dare let go of cancer
In the chance it will come back
Well maybe it is best to let that go
Since I tell cannot my future
But it will forever, at least for now
Lay in the back of my mind
And so maybe I will never completely let it go
But let it be where it belongs
In some future
Then my past
For now to hold the joy, celebration
The quiet hope
Passions determination
And sigh
With the dishes needing to be done
Meetings attended
When I want to nothing more then go
To the Top of the Empire State Building
With friends
And
Dance and Shout
I am Free
I am Cancer Free
Tuesday, February 7, 2012
Trying to keep it positive
Well, where to I start ~ let me go back to yesterday for a minute. I was fussing about wanting one of those glazed coffee rolls, well I got a toasted corn muffin with butter instead later in the afternoon. I really didn't have a filling lunch so to counter that I will bring an extra fruit or yogurt to work with me.
Last night ~ I had fun cooking on a work night! I spent part of this morning trying to find the recipe, but here are the basics: 2-4 leeks, 6 thick cut strips of bacon, 2/3 cup bisquick mix, 4 eggs, 1 cup of milk, pepper. 325 oven. 9 inch glass/pyrex pie plate lightly greased. cook bacon. cut up leeks, saute for 5 minutes. Put leeks and bacon in bottom of pie plate. beat 4 eggs together then add in bisquick, milk, pepper. I add 3/4 to 1 cup jarlsberg swiss cheest to the batter. Then pour the batter over leeks and bacon. Bake in over for 45 minutes.
It is good! and I had some quinoa and veggies along with it. It is easy. The only time consuming thing is doing the leeks and bacon. And I had a yogurt for dessert.
Walking: Really have the subway station where I switch from the G to the 7 has become a walking opportunity for me. The mornings I walk from Queensboro Plaza to Court Sq. on the G and at night I get off the G a stop early and walk back 2 stops to Vernon Jackson on the 7. In the evening especially switching from the G to the 7 I catch the twilight. The moon is just coming up, I can see Venus just before the sky turns to night - and I get to see the Empire State Building which I like to check out every evening on my way home - just see what color it is. I am hoping at the day get longer I can watch the shifting twilight on one of my walks home. I am also considering get off the 7 a couple stops early at night for a little extra walk, especially as the days get longer.
So, now we get to today - work is freaking me out a little - 2 people who I asked to help me today aren't in as of 12:30pm. I have to set up powerpoint and lap tops for a meeting tomorrow and I am not all that tech savy. I keep telling myself things will work out okay. I have a plan C and D. While my first reaction is to go to that panicked place - I keep repeating "things will be okay" and I can back away from the panic and be more calm.
I emailed my doctor about follow up from my appointment. Slowly, slowly, step by step.
Last night ~ I had fun cooking on a work night! I spent part of this morning trying to find the recipe, but here are the basics: 2-4 leeks, 6 thick cut strips of bacon, 2/3 cup bisquick mix, 4 eggs, 1 cup of milk, pepper. 325 oven. 9 inch glass/pyrex pie plate lightly greased. cook bacon. cut up leeks, saute for 5 minutes. Put leeks and bacon in bottom of pie plate. beat 4 eggs together then add in bisquick, milk, pepper. I add 3/4 to 1 cup jarlsberg swiss cheest to the batter. Then pour the batter over leeks and bacon. Bake in over for 45 minutes.
It is good! and I had some quinoa and veggies along with it. It is easy. The only time consuming thing is doing the leeks and bacon. And I had a yogurt for dessert.
Walking: Really have the subway station where I switch from the G to the 7 has become a walking opportunity for me. The mornings I walk from Queensboro Plaza to Court Sq. on the G and at night I get off the G a stop early and walk back 2 stops to Vernon Jackson on the 7. In the evening especially switching from the G to the 7 I catch the twilight. The moon is just coming up, I can see Venus just before the sky turns to night - and I get to see the Empire State Building which I like to check out every evening on my way home - just see what color it is. I am hoping at the day get longer I can watch the shifting twilight on one of my walks home. I am also considering get off the 7 a couple stops early at night for a little extra walk, especially as the days get longer.
So, now we get to today - work is freaking me out a little - 2 people who I asked to help me today aren't in as of 12:30pm. I have to set up powerpoint and lap tops for a meeting tomorrow and I am not all that tech savy. I keep telling myself things will work out okay. I have a plan C and D. While my first reaction is to go to that panicked place - I keep repeating "things will be okay" and I can back away from the panic and be more calm.
I emailed my doctor about follow up from my appointment. Slowly, slowly, step by step.
Monday, February 6, 2012
Monday bubbles
I had a friend once nickname me Bubbles - and I have personally held on to it. Well, Bubbles is in the house today. I had a great weekend, got all kinds of things done, hung out with friends, went to an Imbolc ritual and that just sets up for a good Monday. Just like going to bed happy helps me wake up happy.
Well, I have written since before my visit to my cancer doctor. That went just fine. A went along to hold my hand and helped me ask questions that needed to be asked. I have to contact the doctor this week for the next step. I am being very cautious and very optimistic about the next step, but beyond that I don't want to say anything until I talk to the doctor.
I have to say, on the way to work this morning, I had a hard time passing by one of those coffee trucks that are all over this city in morning. I wanting nothing more than a cup of coffee and one those glazed coffee rolls. It is still calling to me even now. I am glad to report I resisted then, and am resisting now. I am going to try a new recipe tonight that is a kind of leek/bacon pie/bread. I got the recipe from somewhere - maybe an aol feature. I think might add cheese - the recipe is just calling for some cheese.
I was just outside for my afternoon stroll around the campus. I can see little green tops on flower bulbs and the red maples are just starting to show little red buds. I definitely feel spring in the air - I know it is just February but that little bit of spring or quickening has lifted my spirits and has me looking forward to the spring and various projects I am working on.
Well, I have written since before my visit to my cancer doctor. That went just fine. A went along to hold my hand and helped me ask questions that needed to be asked. I have to contact the doctor this week for the next step. I am being very cautious and very optimistic about the next step, but beyond that I don't want to say anything until I talk to the doctor.
I have to say, on the way to work this morning, I had a hard time passing by one of those coffee trucks that are all over this city in morning. I wanting nothing more than a cup of coffee and one those glazed coffee rolls. It is still calling to me even now. I am glad to report I resisted then, and am resisting now. I am going to try a new recipe tonight that is a kind of leek/bacon pie/bread. I got the recipe from somewhere - maybe an aol feature. I think might add cheese - the recipe is just calling for some cheese.
I was just outside for my afternoon stroll around the campus. I can see little green tops on flower bulbs and the red maples are just starting to show little red buds. I definitely feel spring in the air - I know it is just February but that little bit of spring or quickening has lifted my spirits and has me looking forward to the spring and various projects I am working on.
Thursday, February 2, 2012
Going to the oncologist
So, I keep saying to myself - just breathe - focus on this moment, and so I am doing okay. Work has kept me occupied this morning so I have no chance to worry.
To keep things light - Petunia, my pink stuffed dragon, is going with me, I am wearing my favorite Rose perfume, I have on a favorite necklace, earrings and sweater. Last night after my shower I put on some glitter, in my hair, and there is still some there. So, I just keep saying to myself - breathe, trust, breathe, focus. The Goddess spoke to me this morning as I was waiting for the 7 train (delayed because of problems with switches, so what is new!), and she kept saying to me "everything will be okay, trust me" - and so I try each moment.
A is going to the doctor's appointment with me and then we will catch a bite to eat in Union Square.
I was good last night - I went into the bodega again looking for my favorite crunchies - Nacho Bugles - and they had none. So I went home and had cheddar rice cakes instead which are better for me and less WW points.
To keep things light - Petunia, my pink stuffed dragon, is going with me, I am wearing my favorite Rose perfume, I have on a favorite necklace, earrings and sweater. Last night after my shower I put on some glitter, in my hair, and there is still some there. So, I just keep saying to myself - breathe, trust, breathe, focus. The Goddess spoke to me this morning as I was waiting for the 7 train (delayed because of problems with switches, so what is new!), and she kept saying to me "everything will be okay, trust me" - and so I try each moment.
A is going to the doctor's appointment with me and then we will catch a bite to eat in Union Square.
I was good last night - I went into the bodega again looking for my favorite crunchies - Nacho Bugles - and they had none. So I went home and had cheddar rice cakes instead which are better for me and less WW points.
Wednesday, February 1, 2012
Having a good cry
Last night I went to my therapist and cried. I also cried with R which was a better cry cuz I got a lot of it out. There is nothing like a good friend who I can sob on the phone and she is just there with me. She gets and she lets it be what it is. Today I am doing better. I still will cry if you say boo to me, but at least I can feel some shining hope in my soul that comforts me. This morning on the way to work all I could tell myself was "breathe - in and out - just breathe"
Last night to cheer myself up I watch "Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade" with Sean Connery - oh give me a scottish accent any day. And I mixed together tuna and avocado with some mayo and had that on rice cakes. I was looking for the easiest snack I could. A little red wine topped it off. I did try to get chips last night at my corner bodega, but they didn't have the ones I wanted, which was a good thing because I had the rice cakes at home the hit that crunchy urge just fine.
Lately I have been into toasted corn muffins with butter as a snack, either late morning or later afternoon. Yes this is a comfort snack. I am not into chocolate(unless I take it home from our RTT) or other sweets so much and right now corn muffins are comforting because I enjoy them - and I need things that I can enjoy right now to get me through this scary time.
Well, that is all for now. Something just came into my head from the movie "Finding Nemo" - Dory always saying "Just keep swimming, Just Keep swimming, Just Keep swimming!" and I would add "just keep breathing, just keep breathing."
Last night to cheer myself up I watch "Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade" with Sean Connery - oh give me a scottish accent any day. And I mixed together tuna and avocado with some mayo and had that on rice cakes. I was looking for the easiest snack I could. A little red wine topped it off. I did try to get chips last night at my corner bodega, but they didn't have the ones I wanted, which was a good thing because I had the rice cakes at home the hit that crunchy urge just fine.
Lately I have been into toasted corn muffins with butter as a snack, either late morning or later afternoon. Yes this is a comfort snack. I am not into chocolate(unless I take it home from our RTT) or other sweets so much and right now corn muffins are comforting because I enjoy them - and I need things that I can enjoy right now to get me through this scary time.
Well, that is all for now. Something just came into my head from the movie "Finding Nemo" - Dory always saying "Just keep swimming, Just Keep swimming, Just Keep swimming!" and I would add "just keep breathing, just keep breathing."
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