Today is proving to be a mixture of sorrow and love - but I think in the tears there is also love. It started this morning listening to NPR's Morning Edition and a story of a man who loved his wife so much. It was just before I walked out the door and it made me cry.
So, on the train trip to work I am having the imaginary conversation with my sisters about my growing up and trying not to get upset. 'Okay Carolyn, ground, breathe, be in the moment' and in one of those moments I realized even in the sorrow that the act of telling my story was my act of love ~ stopping hiding, start talking about the elephant in the room, the one that has been there for 40 years. This is coming up because I am thinking of talking to one of my sister this weekend and just telling my story, the story of the family I grew up in. I don't expect them to fix it - I just want to tell the story - I want to end this silence - this issue that never got talked about but that is important to me. Telling the story is an act of love to and for myself. And I am telling to the sister who will listen to me and to whom I have the closest relationship among my siblings.
So, for day I am holding myself in love - knowing I am loved by others - knowing I love myself, even in my sorrow. I am wearing my favorite pink shirt along with heart socks, heart/healing necklace, heart earrings, heart bracelet and heart knickers. So I have surround me with favorite heart things!
On the food front:
Making the split between eating and emotions, to then not eat emotionally, things like ice cream, chips and cookies, when I am upset is a big step and I am working on being aware of it day by day. I have realized that I am taking food out of the 'fixing the upset' equation. Taking negative/upset emotions out of eating is one eating dynamic - but there is another - eating in celebration and joy. Maybe disconnection eating things I love while celebrating happiness and joy in my life is harder. Taking those feel good/taste good foods out of the 'celebrate equation' is possible - using other activities to celebrate and/or finding other foods to celebrate with - but I still need to work on this.
So, I have gotten special foods for today - lasagna and raspberry sorbet - and I have some pear/apple hard cider. After therapy tonight I am not sure what movie I will watch - maybe 'Jane Eyre' or 'Seabiscuit' or 'Sense and Sensibility' - all movies that I love.
Sending all of you love on this day ~ I hope you find special ways to love yourself today......
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