Well, it didn't turn out quite the way I imagined. I was in a funk
for 2 days - struggling between gratitude and wow cancer. I didn't have a
celebratory brunch on Sunday. Instead I spent fairly quiet days
resting, taking care of myself, having lavender baths, watching "To
Catch a Thief" - Cary Grant (sigh) - making magic candles - and doing
small steps in my art project. I even had a pint of Ben & Jerry's ice cream. I did my Red Tent Temple of Saturday
which did me good to be with other women though it took all my energy
and courage to be there.
For me this anniversary was
important, but in a different way from last year - last year really was a
celebration and relief, with a cruise. This year I felt was important
for all the gratitude I felt - but I wasn't able to share as much as I
wanted to - and that hurt. Not that I want to give cancer any more due
in my life than it deserves - but for me it is still very important - it
was a catalyst - a catalyst to better happier times - so I am grateful
to cancer too. But how do you celebrate something so important in your
life that scares most people (to even just say the word) - and still
scares me - to be honest. How do I communicate my deep gratitude and the
importance of this in my life when others, for various reasons, may not
be interested?
Well, I came up with a phrase for me -
honoring - honoring everything - the pain, fear, love, hope - the whole
ball of wax. Honoring is a hard thing to do if you haven't been through
something similar - you have no personal experience with cancer, or if
you do it may not have the same emotional importance. Most people don't
want to celebrate cancer, nor do they realize how important it is on
someone's life. Maybe it is like war vets who can't really convey their
experience to civilians that didn't go through battle. They honor those
who fought with them, those who died, and some have reunions and such -
to do this for cancer survivors? When cancer is an individual
experience? Maybe doing another 'relay for life' cancer walk would help
this honoring process.
In asking myself about honoring
I can do it for myself but I realize it is very hard to share it with
others, especially 2 years out. While cancer is not an every day thought
for me - it is still an emotional touch stone that still has a lot of
importance. I am sure in time that touch stone will smooth and the
emotions will soften, but for now they are still very strong and deep.
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