Wash that man right out of my hair

Okay, so I haven't written lately. I feel like I was caught in this mini-flirting-gone-wrong time warp.
So to bring you up to date really quick - guy emails me via meetup.com-we start emailing then texting-we try to meet but he doesn't show-he explains I forgive-he is supposedly out of the country for 3 weeks so we can't meet-we continue to text-yesterday he texted me tosee if I could send him $700-I say no- today he asks if we are still good-I say no and end it.
So, today I was feeling rather moppy and upset. Part of me questions "what if".  Last night I saw my therapist. And as this is going on I pulled a muscle in my back. Well, now he is gone and so to is much of my back pain.
As I was taking my bedtime show I decided a few things:
1. Not to do romantic talk/text/email during work
2. Always be myself - I know this seems obvious but I was starting to build defenses to this guy and that isn't good
3.  To feel love for myself I am playing my sinatra play list and tomorrow I am going to wear a nice dress to work (during my shower I decided to shave). I've got to much to do to feel bad about the situation. Time to love myself and get up and do things I love.......
A further thought came to me - that I had enter victimhood. As such I think I will make another rule to follow - you can't make the first date that's it, no second chances. By allowing this guy a second chance I wasn't respecting myself. I already had my defenses up against getting hurt when the first date was missed and I can't start a relationship from a defensive position.
To the guy: if you don't have the curtesy and respect for time and simple commitment to keep a first date then you aren't worth a second try....

Heart project xmas ornament

Here is the final result for my first heart xmas ornament

Here are some additional photos that shows the progress

dealing with a bad back

What a difference a day can make. Yesterday I was horizontal on a heating pad - today at least I am at work and in not too back discomfort. The culprit - my back. I did freak out a little - getting scared that this would not ease - but it has - thankfully. So there is that news.

Otherwise I had a great weekend of full moon ceremonies and workshops and long chats with friends - a good weekend, except for my back.

And I think I have a date!!! on Sunday - brunch with a guy who grew up in England, in Cambridge. I am not getting out ahead of myself - just working at keeping it grounded in the present. I will let you know what happens.

Friday

I let myself sleep in this morning, then I took my time getting ready. I even had a pep talk in the mirror "Carolyn, you are going to be fine. I know you are scared. You don't like going to doctors. This is a doctor you like. I love you. *wink and smile*. Goddess is right here with you - let go and trust her and things will be okay and don't forget to ask for the manual blood pressure machine"

Pep talk over - I have 'Mommy/Soma' brushing time in the morning which always lightens my mood. I put on my coat and scarf because some how my neck always gets cold - I put in my ear buds to listen to Beethoven and remind myself I games to play and books to ready if I begin to get anxious.

All went well until I got to the doctor office and they tell me the appointment is canceled, and that I canceled it.

I try not to make too much of a snit - but the mistake was theirs. I got an new appointment in June and went outside to the Union Square Farmers Market and took pictures of pretty flowers to calm down. I got some really nice pictures. Then I came to work. The one good up side of this is that I save $30 that I can use for something else over what is becoming a very busy weekend.

Getting out of my own way

Dearest Goddess,
Your patience and love are a blessings. As I say my evening prayers to you I reflect back on my day. Thank you for helping me through and emotionally draining day.  Again and again you show your love me in the love around from precious friends. As my friends show up and love my whole body aches with amazement, as I have not know such love a very long time. Whether it is a phone call from a best friend with words of love and encouragement, especially dealing with difficult feeling. I am blessed and amazed by the simple miracle to me of them showing up, listening to me and loving holding me in love no matter where I am at the moment. They show up, they can and they are willing to listen, talk, and help move and shift things. They are true blessings in my life, and I think my body aches as I let go of old patterns and begin to open and stretch myself to yours and their love. As I stretch I can love more and let more love it.

Goddess, I again open to you as I ask for your divine direction and guidance, I seem to have trouble getting the last part od my market analysis done. I put this in your hands and let my ego and limited acts step aside. If you want me to finish this, show me the path for this step in creating womanspace. When I am able to let go, I feel your calm fill me so I need not worry.

Now, I must sleep, and do so with a smile for all your blessings that are in and around me tonight, too many blessings to mention.

Always in love affection and loving letting go,
Carolyn

Dearest Sweet Carolyn,
You are remarkable! I know this morning you woke up groggy and blue. Soma didn't like last night's thunder storms and did her crazy cat thing in the middle of the night and you found out a co-worker, who has been a good supportive friend, is leaving for another job, and it was a gray, rainy morning, always hard for you to get going.

So lets talk - JP maybe going to a new job and you will miss him, but this does not necessarily mean your friendship will end. He now lives in your neighborhood and maybe you can go out for a couple of beers. You do see a possible future, but trust me, if the friendship is meant to last it will. I am honored that you let me deal with this and you made that choice on your way to work so the blues won't ruin your day.

I am so proud of you. You make the commitment each day  to open your a little more and trust a little more. I know it takes work and practice and I am right there with you in and through each breath, each choice, each subtle intuition. You are so precious to me and I love you. I love to see your eyes smile, especially in the morning when you make a conscious effort to love yourself in the mirror, looking for that love spark that is so uniquely yours.

Always in the Brightness that surrounds you,
Goddess Bridgit

Rain and Therapy and letters to the Goddess

Heavens, I know we need the rain, but it feels like we are having March weather in May - well, we had May weather in March, so there you go! It has been a coffee afternoon, since I don't drink it everyday - I see coffee as a treat and for today it is warming me up and being that little extra something to get through the afternoon.

Last night I talked about creating a better communication style for myself and trying to break the pattern I grew up with. I also talked about when people bring up red flags for me in communication - learning to be open and honest that there is a problem and hoping to talk through it, but to also not let go the red flag defense mechanism warning system - that tells me something is wrong that needs to be discussed. Very good conversation last night with the therapist. I also shared with her my epiphany that my fear and anxiety come from an insecure and unsupported childhood and my experience of that epiphany echoing back to me like the universe was saying "Yes, you get it - you have known it - you are right", an affirmation back from the universe. It feels like the fear has shifted somehow. I also talked about how much of what I am doing now is building the kind of support and love in my life now that I didn't have as a child/adolescent and haven't had in my life for a  very long time, if ever.

So, I find myself today writing another letter to the Goddess, feeling grateful for some many things:

Dearest Divine Mother,

I come to you today with a full, grateful and happy heart. It has been a long journey of reclaim me and you, a long journey of reclaim after having cancer. Though I have struggled, right now I feel so lucky. With May Day ushering in the light half of the year I finally am celebrating spring in it's glory - especially all the different colors of green leaves coming out. I also what to give thanks to you for bring such special people into my life - Ramona, Priscilla, Deb, Audrey, Beth, RTT women, Yellow Wolf, Judy, Cathy, Diane, Jocelyn - each are such precious wonderful women that have helped me know I am loved, honored and cared for. Just mentioning their names fills my heart with deep gratitude and honor to know them as I do. I also want to thank you for good therapists who help by listening, honoring, supporting and mentoring to better ways and patterns of living.

Lastly, thank you Great Mother - Bright One - Bridget - for being in my and around me. I am slowly learning how dear you are in my life, in all that I do. As I study and practice may our relationship become deeper and more trusting and loving - so that I can then share that with others.

Now, let me go walk in your rain - bless me with the rain as you do the earth and have nourish all creation.

Always in trust, love and gratitude,
Carolyn

HAPPY MAY DAY

Okay - so the rain slowed me down a little bit this morning, but the sun is coming out later and that is just fine.

It is MAY DAY - beginning to the lusty month of May! I am reading a book on Celtic Goddess and Gods. I have been reading about Bridgit. One story is that she was rescued Oenghus/Angus, the god of youth and love. This is the meeting of the dark and light halves of the year. So at the beginning of May, another turning of the year I want to let you know that a guy contacted me via Meetup.com. Yes, I got excited and I am also keeping it in perspective, not getting out ahead of myself, which I can do, very easily. Slow and a step at a time.

Part of my wishes I could go to the protests in Wall street today - not be at work, but instead stand with others and protest how screwed up our system is here. But I need to use my vacation/personal time for other things coming up - so here I am.

YIKES - I am through this day - didn't finish what I wanted to say here but got to go. Maybe tomorrow I will have a better shot at finishing my thoughts. I will have a little May Day celebration when I get home....