This epiphany came out of an email exchange with a friend -
I was just thinking - the 1. admitting I have food crisis is good - as in being honest with myself and revealing the secret and 2. by sharing and you sharing I don't feel alone or crazy - like I am not the only one who deals with this and so my pattern isn't so isolating and 3. by braking the secret I also break the shame of this pattern. I know the culture jokes about this sometimes, but we don't really talk about it because we are taught to be ashamed of the pattern and keeping the shame in silence builds the isolation and WW doesn't get at the secret and the shame and isolation of the secret.
Sunday, October 30, 2011
Thursday, October 27, 2011
a rough couple of days
So, this reunion thing really threw me for a loop. I just went back to all that painful stuff that happened as well as seeing things through a slightly different lens of emotional abandonment. There is still a lot of pain in those memories that I am working on. Meeting with my spiritual healer helped last night.
Which leads me to emotional eating - the chips kind. I got 2 bags of Nacho Bugles chips while coming home from a visit to my spiritual healer. I just wanted the crunchy/salty/chippy thing.
There are times when the 'NO - do something healthier' works and listen it and then there are times like last night when I wanted the comfort of crunchy/chippy things and I hear the NO....but I don't listen to it. I am not beating myself up about it.
Which leads me to emotional eating - the chips kind. I got 2 bags of Nacho Bugles chips while coming home from a visit to my spiritual healer. I just wanted the crunchy/salty/chippy thing.
There are times when the 'NO - do something healthier' works and listen it and then there are times like last night when I wanted the comfort of crunchy/chippy things and I hear the NO....but I don't listen to it. I am not beating myself up about it.
Tuesday, October 25, 2011
30 year HS Reunion
Well, I almost got sucked in..... apparently there is a '82 group from my high school on FB that one of my old classmates signed me up for - that alone surprised me. Here is person who I didn't really care about back then (in fact I found her to be a rather mean person, but that was HS) contacting me to let me know they are thinking of having a 30 year reunion next year. Okay - so I was intrigued to know who was on their list, but that way yesterday
Today I just go upset. Why in the hell would I want to hang out with people who weren't nice to me back then and who haven't bothered to even stay friends in the intervening years. That is in the past - I am in the present and I really have no desire to either reminisce about the past or find out what any of them are doing in the present. First why go back in dig up those old wounds with people who really don't care. I don't have any BFFs from HS.
I was sitting here getting all upset thinking about it when I decide to just take myself off their list. Okay, so I still have unresolved issues from back then, but I have a lot issues from back then that had nothing to do with school and maybe school just made all that other stuff all the more painful. I can forgive the past, there is no sense in dwelling on it and getting upset, but that doesn't mean I am going to go running off to the reunion - not even for curiosity's sake.
Today I just go upset. Why in the hell would I want to hang out with people who weren't nice to me back then and who haven't bothered to even stay friends in the intervening years. That is in the past - I am in the present and I really have no desire to either reminisce about the past or find out what any of them are doing in the present. First why go back in dig up those old wounds with people who really don't care. I don't have any BFFs from HS.
I was sitting here getting all upset thinking about it when I decide to just take myself off their list. Okay, so I still have unresolved issues from back then, but I have a lot issues from back then that had nothing to do with school and maybe school just made all that other stuff all the more painful. I can forgive the past, there is no sense in dwelling on it and getting upset, but that doesn't mean I am going to go running off to the reunion - not even for curiosity's sake.
Monday, October 24, 2011
Fall weekend
I had a pretty good weekend full of activity and just one food slip up. I love weekends that have a little something going on each day. It started with dinner with R at a Greek Restaurant. I haven't been a great fan of Feta cheese - I guess I always thought it to strong and salty. What I had Friday night was delicious and just right in a greek salad. I did have some baklava for dessert, but for the price I have had better. Somehow I didn't feel satisfied when I got home and the ice cream idea entered my head. Most times my bodega on the corner DOES NOT have a great selection of ice cream. Well maybe I was desperate or something, but I settled on Ben and Jerry's Red Velvet cake ice cream which was pretty good - the only thing that annoyed me was the large chucks of red velvet cake in the ice creams.
Saturday I cooked on of my favorite fall dishes, sausage and apples made with garlic and brown sugar. I like making this dish around the turnings of the year since it has sausage, especially if I use pork sausage and apples. Sows and apples are frequently associated with the Goddess. I typically serve it on buttered biscuits. We sampled apples at our Red Tent Temple and there was one that was an older variety, Court Pendu Plat apple, that was very distinctive and delicious. We had cider, hard cider, sparking cider - of which the hard cider was very popular.
Sunday I decided to drag myself out of bed and get to a women entrepreneur's meetup/networking group in the Village. I had a great time connecting with 7 other women and sharing my dream and process of starting WomanSpace in NYC. It was the one time this year that I got to eat outside at a cafe and the weather was just right. I had a skirt streak/cheese/mushroom quesadilla. Though I was really tired, I am so glad I went and hung out with amazing women.
Well, now it is on to another week.
Saturday I cooked on of my favorite fall dishes, sausage and apples made with garlic and brown sugar. I like making this dish around the turnings of the year since it has sausage, especially if I use pork sausage and apples. Sows and apples are frequently associated with the Goddess. I typically serve it on buttered biscuits. We sampled apples at our Red Tent Temple and there was one that was an older variety, Court Pendu Plat apple, that was very distinctive and delicious. We had cider, hard cider, sparking cider - of which the hard cider was very popular.
Sunday I decided to drag myself out of bed and get to a women entrepreneur's meetup/networking group in the Village. I had a great time connecting with 7 other women and sharing my dream and process of starting WomanSpace in NYC. It was the one time this year that I got to eat outside at a cafe and the weather was just right. I had a skirt streak/cheese/mushroom quesadilla. Though I was really tired, I am so glad I went and hung out with amazing women.
Well, now it is on to another week.
Friday, October 21, 2011
2 cups of coffee Friday
So where to start? -
Fun things - I got a new vacuum! my little vacuum finally gave out after 10 years - the batteries died. So, I figured it was time for a little upgrade. Last night I tested it out and I was impressed with all the cat hair it picked up. I am looking forward to doing a more through sweep of my rugs and floors this weekend.
Thanks to A. for just hanging out on the speaker phone last night as I did a shortened Zumba work out. I got little sleep the night before so I was tired but I also wanted to stay committed to doing a work out.
Things I have noticed since starting my work out. The ached and pains of unused muscle is going away day by day. My knee that hurts when going down stairs doesn't hurt. This is progress for me.
So I still have a week to my personal challenge to do Zumba after work when ever possible. A and I will continue after this - via speaker phone for now - which is okay with me. I don't want to get to the point of using Skype - just a little too scary to think about.
Personal exercise milestone to keep my eyes on:
Learning new dance routines
Getting up all the subway stairs without huffing and puffing!
Most important - HAVING FUN
I realized that my cancer diagnosis date blew past me without me thinking about it. Boy is that a good thing. October 16 I had a Vagina Monologues meeting and went to a concert and didn't think one moment about cancer.
Fun things - I got a new vacuum! my little vacuum finally gave out after 10 years - the batteries died. So, I figured it was time for a little upgrade. Last night I tested it out and I was impressed with all the cat hair it picked up. I am looking forward to doing a more through sweep of my rugs and floors this weekend.
Thanks to A. for just hanging out on the speaker phone last night as I did a shortened Zumba work out. I got little sleep the night before so I was tired but I also wanted to stay committed to doing a work out.
Things I have noticed since starting my work out. The ached and pains of unused muscle is going away day by day. My knee that hurts when going down stairs doesn't hurt. This is progress for me.
So I still have a week to my personal challenge to do Zumba after work when ever possible. A and I will continue after this - via speaker phone for now - which is okay with me. I don't want to get to the point of using Skype - just a little too scary to think about.
Personal exercise milestone to keep my eyes on:
Learning new dance routines
Getting up all the subway stairs without huffing and puffing!
Most important - HAVING FUN
I realized that my cancer diagnosis date blew past me without me thinking about it. Boy is that a good thing. October 16 I had a Vagina Monologues meeting and went to a concert and didn't think one moment about cancer.
Wednesday, October 19, 2011
Rainy days and aches and pains
Yesterday I was tired and sore. Well, when I got home I took care of my sore body by doing a work out - stretching out those muscles that ached - and it did help. I do have to confess though - I broke down and went to the bodega to get a Hostess cherry pie. Oh! my moment of weakness....it was a sugar fix - just let me own up to it right here - the sour cherry just made it a little better.
Now today - Grey and rainy - and oh did I ache getting out of bed this morning. It was an Excedrin morning to get moving, with just a little jolt of caffeine. Not only does it help with the aches and pains but it also gets me over that dark gray morning desire to just crawl back into bed. But I will persevere and work out again tonight - to work out those aches and pains.
As much as I don't like the aches and pains - the good thing is they are telling me my work out is working. I know I will get passed these aches and pains, and getting better at doing the various routines. The fun part is learning the moves and doing the dancing. I did aerobics in the 80's and Zumba is very similar, but it is all dancing, which I like.
Now today - Grey and rainy - and oh did I ache getting out of bed this morning. It was an Excedrin morning to get moving, with just a little jolt of caffeine. Not only does it help with the aches and pains but it also gets me over that dark gray morning desire to just crawl back into bed. But I will persevere and work out again tonight - to work out those aches and pains.
As much as I don't like the aches and pains - the good thing is they are telling me my work out is working. I know I will get passed these aches and pains, and getting better at doing the various routines. The fun part is learning the moves and doing the dancing. I did aerobics in the 80's and Zumba is very similar, but it is all dancing, which I like.
Monday, October 17, 2011
From the Daily OM - Putting Yourself First
From the Daily OM
Putting Yourself First
Daily Self-Care
Putting yourself first means that it may be necessary to say no to someone else in order to say yes to yourself.
We have all heard the instructions of an airline attendant reminding us to put on our own oxygen mask before we help anyone else with theirs. This advice is often cited as a metaphor for self-care because it so accurately expresses why it is important. It seems to say, ironically, that if you can’t take care of yourself for yourself, do it for others. Few situations in our daily lives mimic the wake-up call of an airplane emergency, so it’s easy to keep putting self-care off—easy, that is, until we get sick, overwhelmed, or exhausted, and suddenly don’t have the energy to care for the people who count on us. That’s when we realize we haven’t been getting the oxygen we need to sustain ourselves. We begin to understand that taking care of ourselves is neither selfish nor indulgent; it’s just plain practical.
Putting yourself first means that it may be necessary to say no to someone else in order to say yes to yourself. For many of us, there is always something we feel we could be doing for someone else, and it helps to remember the oxygen metaphor. You can even encourage yourself by saying “I am caring for myself so that I am better able to care for others” or some other mantra that will encourage you. It also helps to remember that self-care doesn’t have to be composed of massively time-consuming acts. In fact, the best prescription for taking care of yourself is probably small, daily rituals; for example, taking one half-hour for yourself at the beginning and end of the day to meditate, journal, or just be. You might also transform the occasional daily shower or bath into a half-hour self-pampering session.
Whatever you decide, making some small gesture where you put yourself first every day will pay off in spades for you and the ones you love. The oxygen you need is all around you; sometimes you just need to be reminded to breathe.
Putting Yourself First
Daily Self-Care
We have all heard the instructions of an airline attendant reminding us to put on our own oxygen mask before we help anyone else with theirs. This advice is often cited as a metaphor for self-care because it so accurately expresses why it is important. It seems to say, ironically, that if you can’t take care of yourself for yourself, do it for others. Few situations in our daily lives mimic the wake-up call of an airplane emergency, so it’s easy to keep putting self-care off—easy, that is, until we get sick, overwhelmed, or exhausted, and suddenly don’t have the energy to care for the people who count on us. That’s when we realize we haven’t been getting the oxygen we need to sustain ourselves. We begin to understand that taking care of ourselves is neither selfish nor indulgent; it’s just plain practical.
Putting yourself first means that it may be necessary to say no to someone else in order to say yes to yourself. For many of us, there is always something we feel we could be doing for someone else, and it helps to remember the oxygen metaphor. You can even encourage yourself by saying “I am caring for myself so that I am better able to care for others” or some other mantra that will encourage you. It also helps to remember that self-care doesn’t have to be composed of massively time-consuming acts. In fact, the best prescription for taking care of yourself is probably small, daily rituals; for example, taking one half-hour for yourself at the beginning and end of the day to meditate, journal, or just be. You might also transform the occasional daily shower or bath into a half-hour self-pampering session.
Whatever you decide, making some small gesture where you put yourself first every day will pay off in spades for you and the ones you love. The oxygen you need is all around you; sometimes you just need to be reminded to breathe.
Started doing Zumba
Well, I started working out this weekend. I went on YouTube and create a channel and found some good Zumba videos that I can work with. I did workouts on both Saturday and Sunday. I am pleased to report that I am not too sore - but just sore enough to know I am using muscles I don't usually use a lot.
I also have a Zumba partner - one of my friends. I hope we will use my channel, chose which videos to do. and connect via speaker phone while we dance at our respective homes. We are set to start Wednesday.
I am really very excited about all this. 1. I accomplishes what I set out to do 2. I enjoy it 3. I really do huff and puff and sweat - and I know that is good. 4.And I want to keep going. There are so many videos on YouTube that I am sure we can find all kinds of new routines to learn. And it seems that the Zumba movement is branching out beyond it's Latin roots. Some of the video I found have reggae and belly dancing elements in them. 5. I get to indulge in one of my pleasures in life - dancing to current dance music like Lady Gaga. Yes, I know it is a little secret few of you knew about me.
I am also committed to tracking on WW for 2 weeks.
So, by 2 week challenge is off to a good start! I am proud of stepping up and trying. I am thrilled to have a partner to share this 2 week challenge - lets hope it lasts longer. And I look forward to stepping on the scale again soon and seeing positive results.
I also have a Zumba partner - one of my friends. I hope we will use my channel, chose which videos to do. and connect via speaker phone while we dance at our respective homes. We are set to start Wednesday.
I am really very excited about all this. 1. I accomplishes what I set out to do 2. I enjoy it 3. I really do huff and puff and sweat - and I know that is good. 4.And I want to keep going. There are so many videos on YouTube that I am sure we can find all kinds of new routines to learn. And it seems that the Zumba movement is branching out beyond it's Latin roots. Some of the video I found have reggae and belly dancing elements in them. 5. I get to indulge in one of my pleasures in life - dancing to current dance music like Lady Gaga. Yes, I know it is a little secret few of you knew about me.
I am also committed to tracking on WW for 2 weeks.
So, by 2 week challenge is off to a good start! I am proud of stepping up and trying. I am thrilled to have a partner to share this 2 week challenge - lets hope it lasts longer. And I look forward to stepping on the scale again soon and seeing positive results.
Friday, October 14, 2011
Disappointed
Today I just got to let it all hang out - talk here to get it out of my system.
So, I did go to WW last night - as I promised. I didn't gain any weight, but I didn't lose any either. I have been on WW almost a year and I have lost 10 pounds. Right now I am disappointed in me.
So, the popcorn after work has to stop. This has chippy/crunchy habit has been around since the cancer. I would stop by the bodaga on the corner where my apartment is, on the way home, and pick up chips for before dinner. Then when I joined WW I bought there chips which are portioned controlled, and that worked better. Then I switched to microwaving my own popcorn, but even just adding a little Smart Balance is adding up - and eating it plain just doesn't cut it. So, no more buying popcorn kernels. I will instead look forward to my carrot salad or carrot sticks and hummus before I get the main dish ready.
Now, please don't take what I am about to write as being hard on me - but rather facing uncomfortable truths. Before I go there let me celebrate my accomplishments. First - I have lost 10 pounds. HEY! I am cheering inside for this. I had other goals when I started WW that I have achieved - cooking at home instead of buying the frozen dinners - which cost a fortune - I am eating more fruits and veggies - I am getting better on cutting back on the sweets - my only sweets these days are yogurt and honey and sugar in coffee/tea - I use non-fat 1/2 and 1/2 for my coffee and baking. I don't go every Saturday to get French pastries for breakfast. I am over all eating healthier. So, I am very proud of what I have accomplished - and I do sit here and drink that in fully.
With those accomplishments - I still have a ways to go. If I am going to practice what I preach, I need to commit to both keep within my daily points and exercise more. It is as plain and simple as that. Especially exercising more - I true believe that this is very important to taking the undesired weight off. I have to try and make this work better so I get healthier! I have at least try and stop blocking myself or making excuses!
So, let me put in writing for you, but most especially for me, what is blocking me:
1. When I get home I am too tired to exercise - POSH! I just believe that I am. Maybe if I change that belief and look forward to a work out with excitement, that tired feeling would disappear
2. I love to relax when I get home - well this is very true for me - I could lounge around all day and enjoy myself - but that won't help me reduce my weight. And I can relax AFTER I exercise - SNAP! there goes that one.
3. I am lazy - and I am resisting changing this - I have to change this action and thought pattern - It is the truth and right now it hurts - it no longer is working for me - and part of me is dreading this change. I can't go about this change dreading it or it isn't going to stick - I am going to want to go back to being lazy - so not only do I have to change my actions, but I also have to change my beliefs about what kind of life I want to live.
So, now let me point out what benefits exercising will have for me.
1. I can get myself good and tired and not have any energy left for when I go to bed. (I sometimes feel very awake when I go to bed and it can take me a little while to fall asleep.)
2. By exercising I can let go of the stress from the work day
3. I can get stronger and have more stamina - especially going up those subway stairs
4. I would get those feel good endorphins moving through my body
5. I would get my heart rate up.
So, again - I am giving myself a two week challenge:
1. stay within my points every day
2. exercise every night I get home at a normal time - and by looking at my calendar that is every night - at least for week one - I will choose between walking or doing Zumba in my apartment with videos from YouTube.
While looking at the particular patterns that are holding me back in this area - I am finding that I have all kinds of beliefs that aren't helping me, in life in general - and even those that I identified as pertaining to exercise, really are applicable in the rest of my life. I hear and now confess that for a long time I have had a very lazy outlook on life - whether is by holding back - not giving something my all - or holding back out of fear of what might happen - and it even holding me back when I protected my silent/rest time to keep my life in balance. While I will still keep an eye on my precious times of solitude and rest - I believe I will need to give up some that rest and become more active. I can still find solitude while being active.
So, I did go to WW last night - as I promised. I didn't gain any weight, but I didn't lose any either. I have been on WW almost a year and I have lost 10 pounds. Right now I am disappointed in me.
So, the popcorn after work has to stop. This has chippy/crunchy habit has been around since the cancer. I would stop by the bodaga on the corner where my apartment is, on the way home, and pick up chips for before dinner. Then when I joined WW I bought there chips which are portioned controlled, and that worked better. Then I switched to microwaving my own popcorn, but even just adding a little Smart Balance is adding up - and eating it plain just doesn't cut it. So, no more buying popcorn kernels. I will instead look forward to my carrot salad or carrot sticks and hummus before I get the main dish ready.
Now, please don't take what I am about to write as being hard on me - but rather facing uncomfortable truths. Before I go there let me celebrate my accomplishments. First - I have lost 10 pounds. HEY! I am cheering inside for this. I had other goals when I started WW that I have achieved - cooking at home instead of buying the frozen dinners - which cost a fortune - I am eating more fruits and veggies - I am getting better on cutting back on the sweets - my only sweets these days are yogurt and honey and sugar in coffee/tea - I use non-fat 1/2 and 1/2 for my coffee and baking. I don't go every Saturday to get French pastries for breakfast. I am over all eating healthier. So, I am very proud of what I have accomplished - and I do sit here and drink that in fully.
With those accomplishments - I still have a ways to go. If I am going to practice what I preach, I need to commit to both keep within my daily points and exercise more. It is as plain and simple as that. Especially exercising more - I true believe that this is very important to taking the undesired weight off. I have to try and make this work better so I get healthier! I have at least try and stop blocking myself or making excuses!
So, let me put in writing for you, but most especially for me, what is blocking me:
1. When I get home I am too tired to exercise - POSH! I just believe that I am. Maybe if I change that belief and look forward to a work out with excitement, that tired feeling would disappear
2. I love to relax when I get home - well this is very true for me - I could lounge around all day and enjoy myself - but that won't help me reduce my weight. And I can relax AFTER I exercise - SNAP! there goes that one.
3. I am lazy - and I am resisting changing this - I have to change this action and thought pattern - It is the truth and right now it hurts - it no longer is working for me - and part of me is dreading this change. I can't go about this change dreading it or it isn't going to stick - I am going to want to go back to being lazy - so not only do I have to change my actions, but I also have to change my beliefs about what kind of life I want to live.
So, now let me point out what benefits exercising will have for me.
1. I can get myself good and tired and not have any energy left for when I go to bed. (I sometimes feel very awake when I go to bed and it can take me a little while to fall asleep.)
2. By exercising I can let go of the stress from the work day
3. I can get stronger and have more stamina - especially going up those subway stairs
4. I would get those feel good endorphins moving through my body
5. I would get my heart rate up.
So, again - I am giving myself a two week challenge:
1. stay within my points every day
2. exercise every night I get home at a normal time - and by looking at my calendar that is every night - at least for week one - I will choose between walking or doing Zumba in my apartment with videos from YouTube.
While looking at the particular patterns that are holding me back in this area - I am finding that I have all kinds of beliefs that aren't helping me, in life in general - and even those that I identified as pertaining to exercise, really are applicable in the rest of my life. I hear and now confess that for a long time I have had a very lazy outlook on life - whether is by holding back - not giving something my all - or holding back out of fear of what might happen - and it even holding me back when I protected my silent/rest time to keep my life in balance. While I will still keep an eye on my precious times of solitude and rest - I believe I will need to give up some that rest and become more active. I can still find solitude while being active.
Thursday, October 13, 2011
I am making the commitment to my friends who follow this blog - I am going to Weight Watchers tonight to get weighed. I am optimistic - but I really don't know where things stand, and so I am a little nervous. I am pretty sure I have lost weight, but the scale will tell the truth - so it might add to my weight. Either way I will let you know what happens - I just keep telling myself "be positive"
Tuesday, October 11, 2011
Crumbs
I confess - I succumbed to Crumbs yesterday. 2 cupcakes. Raspberry Swirl and White Hot Chocolate. I enjoyed them. I was coming back from a trip up town and took the bus so I could see the city. I got off before Grand Central on Lexington, and there it was. Let me call it my Columbus day treat.
On Sunday I saw a good friend of mine, Beth, and she commented that she thought I look thinner. YES! that feels good. While I haven't been to WW in a while I have been keeping to my plan for lessening my sugar intake. It feels good when other people see the progress. I am keeping up with having fruit/yogurt/nuts/honey in some kind of combination. I have pears ripening in my kitchen.
I am proud of myself. I did some cooking this weekend. Quinoa with green beans and corn make with chicken broth, the flavoring really helps. I also baked breaded Tilapia and made Quiche Lorraine! All this should keep me humming for this week.
I haven't tackled the exercise yet, beyond my daily commute. Still working on that one.
On Sunday I saw a good friend of mine, Beth, and she commented that she thought I look thinner. YES! that feels good. While I haven't been to WW in a while I have been keeping to my plan for lessening my sugar intake. It feels good when other people see the progress. I am keeping up with having fruit/yogurt/nuts/honey in some kind of combination. I have pears ripening in my kitchen.
I am proud of myself. I did some cooking this weekend. Quinoa with green beans and corn make with chicken broth, the flavoring really helps. I also baked breaded Tilapia and made Quiche Lorraine! All this should keep me humming for this week.
I haven't tackled the exercise yet, beyond my daily commute. Still working on that one.
Wednesday, October 5, 2011
Donuts and Bagels
Well, we had a good-bye breakfast a colleague that is leaving our office. So we had bagels, donuts from Dunkin Donuts and coffee. Donuts - one of my sweet downfalls. I only had one and a half a bagel with a shmeer of cream cheese. And this will probably get me through most of the day. I did have usual breakfast very early this morning and brought my usual lunch - but that is now, probably out the window.
I was thinking more about exercise last night - mainly about changing a living pattern - changing time patterns - patterns of personal commitment. As I look at articles and newsy things on the web one pattern is very clear to me - people who loss weight exercise a lot more. Many stories I have read have many of these people becoming runners, doing marathons and 5 and 10K races. While I don't know if I will become a runner - it is clear to me that I have to commit to exercising more - there is just no way around it. Exercising more now helps take reduce my weight - and maintaining the exercise will help keep the weight off when I reach my goal.
Now all this comes to changing living patterns - First of all it is, for me, a question of timing - when to do it. Early morning? After work? So if I want to really commit to this - something in my timing has to change. Knowing me the better time for me is after work. I just move too slow in the mornings to workout and make it work happily. I am just not a bounce out of bed early in the morning kind of person. So after work is the logical choice. Habit and excuses are standing in my way. Here are the excuses:
1. I get home tired - sometimes I just want to cuddle with the cat
2. I want to relax after a day at work
3. I start getting dinner ready
4. If I exercise when I get home then dinner is even later - if I really do decide to get a membership at the Y then it will get even later - but wait - lets time this out - to Y at 6 - out by 7 - home by 7:30 - that isn't too bad. Even when getting home it would take me until at least 6:30 until I was ready to workout. I might finish earlier though.
Here is a positive - if I exercise when I get home then I might not need to make my bowl of popcorn that I love to munch on while watching the news. - and I can skip the news because it is really rather depressing and I get the important news in the morning. If I work out at home I could be done by the time The Simpsons came on at 7.
So now it takes the commitment to make the change to create the time to exercise and to exercise. I have ignore and say no to all the excuses - and say a big YES to exercise......
I was thinking more about exercise last night - mainly about changing a living pattern - changing time patterns - patterns of personal commitment. As I look at articles and newsy things on the web one pattern is very clear to me - people who loss weight exercise a lot more. Many stories I have read have many of these people becoming runners, doing marathons and 5 and 10K races. While I don't know if I will become a runner - it is clear to me that I have to commit to exercising more - there is just no way around it. Exercising more now helps take reduce my weight - and maintaining the exercise will help keep the weight off when I reach my goal.
Now all this comes to changing living patterns - First of all it is, for me, a question of timing - when to do it. Early morning? After work? So if I want to really commit to this - something in my timing has to change. Knowing me the better time for me is after work. I just move too slow in the mornings to workout and make it work happily. I am just not a bounce out of bed early in the morning kind of person. So after work is the logical choice. Habit and excuses are standing in my way. Here are the excuses:
1. I get home tired - sometimes I just want to cuddle with the cat
2. I want to relax after a day at work
3. I start getting dinner ready
4. If I exercise when I get home then dinner is even later - if I really do decide to get a membership at the Y then it will get even later - but wait - lets time this out - to Y at 6 - out by 7 - home by 7:30 - that isn't too bad. Even when getting home it would take me until at least 6:30 until I was ready to workout. I might finish earlier though.
Here is a positive - if I exercise when I get home then I might not need to make my bowl of popcorn that I love to munch on while watching the news. - and I can skip the news because it is really rather depressing and I get the important news in the morning. If I work out at home I could be done by the time The Simpsons came on at 7.
So now it takes the commitment to make the change to create the time to exercise and to exercise. I have ignore and say no to all the excuses - and say a big YES to exercise......
Tuesday, October 4, 2011
don't know where to start
I got into work this morning and found emails from my siblings that indicated my 90 year old dad wasn't doing too good - and mom keeps slipping into her own world. It took a lot not to go to that scared place and worry about both of them.
I really tried to stay focused on work - though I confess I was a little in shock and feeling a little lost. Now I have got to the afternoon and am doing okay. I called dad and left a message.
I did my Weight Watchers tracking. Damn, that chocolate from yesterday really put me over - but it was the perfect pick-me-up. I felt much better in the afternoon.
Exercise - I have been giving this some thought recently. Now, granted, in NYC I do a fair bit of walking in my normal day just getting to and from work. And I do make it a point to get out for a brief walk either to Pratt rose garden or to my favorite oak tree. But I have been looking at blogs of people who have lost significant amounts of weight and one key thing that really helps is exercise. Now I have tried gyms - there is even one here at work - but it doesn't work for me. Something about going somewhere, putting things in a locker, exercising just doesn't appeal to me - maybe it is be self conscience about not wanting to be in a gym with others - feeling a little foolish about being fat and being in a gym. There are a couple of places I would consider that put exercise and lockers together. First would be a Curves gym if one were convenient to me and the other is a YMCA with a pool. If it didn't cost so much to go to the YMCA near me in Queens - I would go regularly - or maybe I am making an excuse - but I am not ready to tackle that right now. What I have been thinking of doing is going on YouTube and finding Zumba videos and doing a little dancing in my apartment. I think the best time for me is when I get home from work. Don't bother turning on the TV - just do some dancing before watching the news or the Simpsons or The Big Bang Theory. So, maybe I challenge myself again here - knowing I will track and talk about my progress here. The two week challenge really isn't that bad - it is keeping it going after those two weeks that might be the hard part. I am going to look into both the YMCA and Curves to see what is around me. Stalling tactic - certainly - but one of these days very soon I am going to just do it. So, I just checked out my local YMCA and it is $51 a month plus a joiner's fee. That is much more doable then when I looked a coupe of years ago. They do have a pool as well as a gym and an indoor track. I will have to see what other things they have. I would have to look at my budget, but I would seriously consider going to the YMCA especially since it is on the 7 train that I travel on nearly every day. I could get fee information about Curves and there is only one in Manhattan that might be convenient for me to go to.
As for the sweets challenge - I found myself thinking about fruits I would buy on my weekly shopping trip instead of thinking about dessert. I actually took dessert off my shopping list. For now I am going to stick with the fruit.
I really tried to stay focused on work - though I confess I was a little in shock and feeling a little lost. Now I have got to the afternoon and am doing okay. I called dad and left a message.
I did my Weight Watchers tracking. Damn, that chocolate from yesterday really put me over - but it was the perfect pick-me-up. I felt much better in the afternoon.
Exercise - I have been giving this some thought recently. Now, granted, in NYC I do a fair bit of walking in my normal day just getting to and from work. And I do make it a point to get out for a brief walk either to Pratt rose garden or to my favorite oak tree. But I have been looking at blogs of people who have lost significant amounts of weight and one key thing that really helps is exercise. Now I have tried gyms - there is even one here at work - but it doesn't work for me. Something about going somewhere, putting things in a locker, exercising just doesn't appeal to me - maybe it is be self conscience about not wanting to be in a gym with others - feeling a little foolish about being fat and being in a gym. There are a couple of places I would consider that put exercise and lockers together. First would be a Curves gym if one were convenient to me and the other is a YMCA with a pool. If it didn't cost so much to go to the YMCA near me in Queens - I would go regularly - or maybe I am making an excuse - but I am not ready to tackle that right now. What I have been thinking of doing is going on YouTube and finding Zumba videos and doing a little dancing in my apartment. I think the best time for me is when I get home from work. Don't bother turning on the TV - just do some dancing before watching the news or the Simpsons or The Big Bang Theory. So, maybe I challenge myself again here - knowing I will track and talk about my progress here. The two week challenge really isn't that bad - it is keeping it going after those two weeks that might be the hard part. I am going to look into both the YMCA and Curves to see what is around me. Stalling tactic - certainly - but one of these days very soon I am going to just do it. So, I just checked out my local YMCA and it is $51 a month plus a joiner's fee. That is much more doable then when I looked a coupe of years ago. They do have a pool as well as a gym and an indoor track. I will have to see what other things they have. I would have to look at my budget, but I would seriously consider going to the YMCA especially since it is on the 7 train that I travel on nearly every day. I could get fee information about Curves and there is only one in Manhattan that might be convenient for me to go to.
As for the sweets challenge - I found myself thinking about fruits I would buy on my weekly shopping trip instead of thinking about dessert. I actually took dessert off my shopping list. For now I am going to stick with the fruit.
Monday, October 3, 2011
succumb to chocolate
Here I sit at my desk - I succumb to chocolate this afternoon.
I am trying so not to go to that feel sorry for myself place. I keep repeating today' mantra "I am loved" but looking honestly at old hurts that have not healed, feeling anger - knowing forgiveness is somewhere there - but right now it is Lindt milk chocolate with hazel nuts and almond brittle that is getting me through. I am enjoying letting it melt in my mouth and crunch on the inside. And I am still saying to that hurt part of me - I am loved. I do have moments where I tell the negative thoughts to go hang themselves - but it has been very much back and forth today.
I did look into my mental health benefit from my health insurance provider. So part of sharing a little of today's story that it is sometimes hard and I need chocolate sometimes - is that I don't want to hide - especially from myself.
I have been doing pretty good with eating fruit/nuts/honey for dessert and my sweet tooth hasn't missed those other things. But today is today - so here we are.
I have to confess that I haven't been doing my Weight Watchers - either tracking or going to weighted. Okay - yes I am dreaming that I have lost weight - honestly I really don't know. The tracking I have just found annoying lately - because I have to use a computer to do it. While I usually have easy access to computer I guess i am just being lazy - there I said it!
For a day that has had its frustration (can't get a postal money order for rent so that means a check my landlord will sit on for the next 2 weeks and there is not Rescue Remedy sprat at the health food store) - right now is okay. Chocolate and one of my favorite 'love' mediation musical pieces is playing on Pandora. In this moment and I can open my heart to me and just be.
I did look into my mental health benefit from my health insurance provider. So part of sharing a little of today's story that it is sometimes hard and I need chocolate sometimes - is that I don't want to hide - especially from myself.
I have been doing pretty good with eating fruit/nuts/honey for dessert and my sweet tooth hasn't missed those other things. But today is today - so here we are.
I have to confess that I haven't been doing my Weight Watchers - either tracking or going to weighted. Okay - yes I am dreaming that I have lost weight - honestly I really don't know. The tracking I have just found annoying lately - because I have to use a computer to do it. While I usually have easy access to computer I guess i am just being lazy - there I said it!
For a day that has had its frustration (can't get a postal money order for rent so that means a check my landlord will sit on for the next 2 weeks and there is not Rescue Remedy sprat at the health food store) - right now is okay. Chocolate and one of my favorite 'love' mediation musical pieces is playing on Pandora. In this moment and I can open my heart to me and just be.
Saturday, October 1, 2011
Whole Food
It feels like talking here about food and eating - that I can be accountable to myself. I really don't have other I can talk to about this process, so I talk to myself. I get all those thoughts that are in my brain out here so i can look at them - and so that it is out of my brain.
So, Whole Foods. Why am I talking about them - well it is their 2-bite cinnamon rolls. This is a busy/stressful weekend so I got their 2-bite cinnamon rolls. There I admit it. I just wanted those cinnamon rolls because I am working today at, well work - an all day reunion where I am really not doing much more than talking to people and otherwise being bored. I want to have some comfort/favorite reward for when I started today and then again tomorrow morning. Maybe I should put this under the dessert ban - as this could be consider a morning breakfast sweet. So I am using the breakfast time, instead of after dinner, to have a sweet. Well, what's done is done.
I have been keeping to my fruit or no dessert this week. I got frozen pineapple and peaches at Whole Foods. These are fruit I love so I look forward to eating them this week.
I had a conversation last night with my pastoral counselor exploring the possibility of going deeper with a paid therapist. There is something holding me back and I want to take it apart so I can step into a future I want. No doubt that food and eating will be part of that healing process. I got scared by the ping of truth that went through me, knowing that if I wanted to continue to move forward I needed to do this, but also strangely comforted by knowing what the next step is. It really is stepping to those fears and into the unknown knowing that coming out the other side will be better. I don't say that this is for everyone - but this is for me given my past.
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