Disappointed

Today I just got to let it all hang out - talk here to get it out of my system.

 So, I did go to WW last night - as I promised. I didn't gain any weight, but I didn't lose any either. I have been on WW almost a year and I have lost 10 pounds. Right now I am disappointed in me.

So, the popcorn after work has to stop. This has chippy/crunchy habit has been around since the cancer. I would stop by the bodaga on the corner where my apartment is, on the way home, and pick up chips for before dinner. Then when I joined WW I bought there chips which are portioned controlled, and that worked better. Then I switched to microwaving my own popcorn, but even just adding a little Smart Balance is adding up - and eating it plain just doesn't cut it. So, no more buying popcorn kernels. I will instead look forward to my carrot salad or carrot sticks and hummus before I get the main dish ready.

Now, please don't take what I am about to write as being hard on me - but rather facing uncomfortable truths. Before I go there let me celebrate my accomplishments. First - I have lost 10 pounds. HEY! I am cheering inside for this. I had other goals when I started WW that I have achieved - cooking at home instead of buying the frozen dinners - which cost a fortune - I am eating more fruits and veggies - I am getting better on cutting back on the sweets - my only sweets these days are yogurt and honey and sugar in coffee/tea - I use non-fat 1/2 and 1/2 for my coffee and baking. I don't go every Saturday to get French pastries for breakfast. I am over all eating healthier. So, I am very proud of what I have accomplished - and I do sit here and drink that in fully.

With those accomplishments - I still have a ways to go. If I am going to practice what I preach, I need to commit to both keep within my daily points and exercise more. It is as plain and simple as that. Especially exercising more - I true believe that this is very important to taking the undesired weight off. I have to try and make this work better so I get healthier! I have at least try and stop blocking myself or making excuses!

So, let me put in writing for you, but most especially for me, what is blocking me:
1. When I get home I am too tired to exercise - POSH! I just believe that I am. Maybe if I change that belief and look forward to a work out with excitement, that tired feeling would disappear
2. I love to relax when I get home - well this is very true for me - I could lounge around all day and enjoy myself - but that won't help me reduce my weight. And I can relax AFTER I exercise - SNAP! there goes that one.
3. I am lazy - and I am resisting changing this - I have to change this action and thought pattern - It is the truth and right now it hurts - it no longer is working for me - and part of me is dreading this change. I can't go about this change dreading it or it isn't going to stick - I am going to want to go back to being lazy - so not only do I have to change my actions, but I also have to change my beliefs about what kind of life I want to live.

So, now let me point out what benefits exercising will have for me.
1. I can get myself good and tired and not have any energy left for when I go to bed. (I sometimes feel very awake when I go to bed and it can take me a little while to fall asleep.)
2. By exercising I can let go of the stress from the work day
3. I can get stronger and have more stamina - especially going up those subway stairs
4. I would get those feel good endorphins moving through my body
5. I would get my heart rate up.

So, again - I am giving myself a two week challenge:
1. stay within my points every day
2. exercise every night I get home at a normal time - and by looking at my calendar that is every night - at least for week one - I will choose between walking or doing Zumba in my apartment with videos from YouTube.

While looking at the particular patterns that are holding me back in this area - I am finding that I have all kinds of beliefs that aren't helping me, in life in general - and even those that I identified as pertaining to exercise, really are applicable in the rest of my life. I hear and now confess that for a long time I have had a very lazy outlook on life - whether is by holding back - not giving something my all - or holding back out of fear of what might happen - and it even holding me back when I protected my silent/rest time to keep my life in balance. While I will still keep an eye on my precious times of solitude and rest - I believe I will need to give up some that rest and become more active. I can still find solitude while being active.