succumb to chocolate

Here I sit at my desk - I succumb to chocolate this afternoon. I am trying so not to go to that feel sorry for myself place. I keep repeating today' mantra "I am loved" but looking honestly at old hurts that have not healed, feeling anger - knowing forgiveness is somewhere there - but right now it is Lindt milk chocolate with hazel nuts and almond brittle that is getting me through. I am enjoying letting it melt in my mouth and crunch on the inside. And I am still saying to that hurt part of me - I am loved. I do have moments where I tell the negative thoughts to go hang themselves - but it has been very much back and forth today.

I did look into my mental health benefit from my health insurance provider. So part of sharing a little of today's story that it is sometimes hard and I need chocolate sometimes - is that I don't want to hide - especially from myself.

I have been doing pretty good with eating fruit/nuts/honey for dessert and my sweet tooth hasn't missed those other things. But today is today - so here we are.

I have to confess that I haven't been doing my Weight Watchers - either tracking or going to weighted. Okay - yes I am dreaming that I have lost weight - honestly I really don't know. The tracking I have just found annoying lately - because I have to use a computer to do it. While I usually have easy access to computer I guess i am just being lazy - there I said it!

For a day that has had its frustration (can't get a postal money order for rent so that means a check my landlord will sit on for the next 2 weeks and there is not Rescue Remedy sprat at the health food store) - right now is okay. Chocolate and one of my favorite 'love' mediation musical pieces is playing on Pandora. In this moment and I can open my heart to me and just be.