cancer testing time

Well, here I go again - it is that time of year - getting the CT scan to check my cancer status. Yesterday I panicked, today I am just - well ......this morning I just wanted to cry and now that work is distracting me I am not doing too bad.

Last night I just tried to relax but when I went to bed I was still in a very scared lonely place. I had to really remember to love myself and try to be gentle, because if I went to sleep like that I would wake up in the scared lonely unlovable place. Cancer can really bring up the issues. It took me getting to work and reading positive things that I finally said to myself "Stop, you can't stay in this unlovable scared place - just love yourself in this moment - do just that" So, I am not in the unlovable place - but loving me makes me cry now too.

I did try not to do emotional eating last night but that can be hard when all I want to do is hide under the covers and crumple into a puddle of tears. I also have poems in me, but right now it seems like such an effort to get them out.

so, think of me thursday as I go see the oncologist.....

Accountability to the past

This is a question that has bounced around in my head for years. I don't have a good answer, but I still think it good to ask. The Penn State and Vatican scandals have got me asking this question again.

How can people be accountable for they did or didn't do in the past, especially if the what we know today is not what we knew in the past, or if what was practiced in the past has changed along with increased awareness?

I will say that breaking the silence is part of accounting for the past and bring the truth to light - but what of the participants who did what was the norm or had a certain understanding/awareness at the time when the break in trust happened. How do we hold them accountable to the past with new understanding and awareness?

I have struggled to answer this question. I simply put it out there to consider, I am not ready myself to answer because the answer for me is complicated and it may change.......

So I will let it just sit.....

Cool with a rainy Friday & Lesson 1.c

First - yes, I needed the coffee to buzz along this morning. That said, I was very happy to walk in the rain this morning, switching subway stations, under my pink gerbera daisy umbrella and listening to Chopin's Nocturnes on my Ipod and the rain.

Wow - Thanks for the positive feedback from yesterday's Lesson 1.b post. I am not anxious or scared by any of the things I wrote. No judgment or self-blaming on my part. It feels liberating to tell those secrets - to just have them out there not hiding anymore.

Last night I took nude pictures of myself - carrying the honestly theme to the visual side. I wanted to see and connected with what I really look like in the mirror.

Now to Lesson 1.c
The author describes a mediation to do where you and God talk about the bricks with all those words on them and then God helps dissolve the wall of bricks so you can let go of them. First this imagery doesn't work for me. First I don't pray to God - rather to the Goddess and my spiritual helpers. Second seeing these bricks with these words on them doesn't deal with the fact that this my body we are talking about, not some brick wall. She makes the suggestion that these words and thought forms are being held in and on my body, then lets use images that deal with my body! not some wall of bricks.

So, here is what I came up with. A ritual:

1.Cast a circle, call in directions/elements/angels/spirit guides/god/desses
2.Smudge/cleanse me and anyone else who wants to witness/help
3.get some water soluble paint - black or brown - tempera/latex - and a brush
4. paint these words on my body - shame/judgment/heartbreak/pain/silence/hiding etc.
5. Look at these words on the body - see how I hold on to these not just visually, but also inside me, in the thought patterns/feelings/images/body sensations that may come up for me - talk to witnesses/mirror and say these things out load.
6. Now take a shower or bath (I would do a lovely scent bubble bath). Let all these words wash down the drain - as they go release them from your mind/emotions/body
7. Now with pink or many colors paint positive words and images (like flowers/butterflies/smiley faces) on my body - add glitter - add perfume - and really celebrate loving my body. I would even draw new lines on my body - showing what a trimmer body would look like from front and side views. Put on some dance music and shake my body and connect with the Trim Slim Carolyn and celebrate her as well - let her out!
8. Repeat ritual as needed!

Dear Goddess
Please remove the wall that I have built around me.
I have built to so strong, Goddess, that I cannot tear it down.
I surrender to You
every thought of separations
Every feeling of fear
every unforgiving thought,
Please Goddess, take this burden from me forever, Blessed Be/ Namaste
(on reflection - I might add this to the ritual as part of the washing away of words)

The author follows her exercise with a prayer (above) - which is fine - I think my ritual is a prayer played out creativly. I also couldn't help think - as step 8 mentions - that I need to repeat this prayer again. I feel that the first time is special and important, but also sometimes you need to repeat the process to ferret out the negative thought patterns and messages that LOVE to hide. I think people are fooled if they think doing this one time is going to solve the problem and they can just move on and not address it again - that the prayer will work the one time it is said short changes the healing process - many times these themes and patterns have to addressed again and again over time, and that repeat the process can deepen the healing, that it can reach deeper levels.

Lesson 1.b

So here is the first Lesson:

    Marianne Williamson - A Course in Weight Loss: 21 Spiritual Lessons for Surrendering Your Weight Forever

(As I work on this I get a sense that this - if I am honest with myself - an accountability exercise and by bringing these things into the light - also a letting go - now they are out there to see - no more hiding  - by writing them down here - it begins to take their power away and that I can reclaim my personal health self love and power - and boy there is A LOT to work on.....I have contemplated this for a couple of days and I have a pretty good list - if things come up I will add them, but for now I am going to just put it out there.....)

Image the following words a bricks of excess weight I am carrying around. Fear has built this wall, love will bring it down. With every word as whether or not it represent a thought, an emotional reality or a character defect. Then identify the situations or circumstances in my life that the word connects to.These bricks have words written on them:

Shame: that I shouldn't eat certain foods. That I shouldn't be judgmental. Being obese. Being judged for being fat. family silence. neglect. attempted rape. Shame for speaking my mind and the truth when I was young


Injustice: people not seeing past my fat - making assumptions. I can't stand injustice to others. Overlooked at a child - my siblings didn't care - my mom didn't care emotionally- working - economic frustration (how to break out of being an assistant) to use my other skills.

Anger: at my mother, my family, the taunting I got in grade school - CGroup - for ex-friends who made assumptions about me or didn't give space to listen to me, and kept their own mind-chatter going - me not speaking up when I need to be heard.


Protection: fat hiding me - protecting me from emotional hurt - protecting me from rape - hiding me from love

Fear: lots of fear - fear that things won't work out - fear of not being loved - fear of not being cared for or supported -fear of being successful - fear of making my dreams come true - fear of being skinny!

Pride:

Unforgiveness: mother for doing nothing both for attempted rape and growing up,

Selfishness:

Judgment: of others who are fatter than me - of those who aren't self aware or aware of others around them - those who don't have consideration of the feelings or suffering of others

Jealousy: I am jealous of others success and how much they make and the things that allows them to do like travel.

Disdain: questioning an ex-girlfriend her motivations. For those who are fatter than me - for really being out of control - Caledonian Group - for their inability to see and engage in strat planning that might have put the group on a stronger footing organizationally

Greed:

Excess responsibility: responsibility for me because no one else cares or helps

Laziness: at putting myself out there with work - I am comfortable where I am (so I think) - I love relaxing at home and lounging around watching TV and movies. I am a bit of a hedonist when it comes to enjoying things in life - especially rest/lounging around

Separation: Caledonia Group - paid lip service to doing strategic planning and then undermining the work I did to bring that about. My family-sibilings - because they don't feel like family to me - they have rarely reached out to me except when I had cancer. My mother - who dealt with anything difficult by ignoring it and being silent about. From an old friend because she wasn't willing to acknowledge her part in a problem and tried to blame me for all of it.

Pressure: my own pressure to lose weight - to be healthy so I can live to do the things I want to do. I also still hear my parents urging me to lose weight - which makes me angry - partly because of the habits i was taught (this is where the dessert habit comes from and my peanut butter gene) and those I have picked up over the years.

Dishonesty: about all those little messages the run through my brain - about eating and exercise- see other post "Thursday"

Arrogance: of others not being aware of themselves and the world around them.

Burden: hurt pain, sorrow, anger from attempted rape and neglect

Inferiority: that I am not worthy of love - that no one loves me - that not being loved I then don't deserve love and good things in life

Stress:

Embarrassment: I have been embarrassed by clothing I have either bought or made that were inappropriate for my body.


Heartbreak: Jeff, Paul, W.

Self-abnegation: afraid of myself - hiding my dreams - living mousy instead of loud and proud -

Exhaustion: of my body being tired and sore when I get up in the morning. I am tired of carrying all this old hurt and pain and anger around.

Thursday

Thursday's are the hardest day of week for me - one day away from Friday. I had to succumb to a cup of coffee this morning - yes I love coffee - and I needed to feel more awake and ease my aching body. The morning ache isn't so bad that I can't get up and get going - but honestly it does encourage me to stay warm in bed. I am going to bed earlier and getting more rest so my spirit feels more rested, but not my body.

There is another blog I read regularly - 125 - written by a young women who is committed to losing weight and running. I love her for her honesty and humor. Here is of a list of things she says to herself that I - if I am being honest - I think some of them too......

The highlighted one are things I have said and still say to myself - I did it yesterday - I was eating ginger lemon cookies and I was still hungry so I took out 2 more and then I said to myself "what the hell - lets finish the box."

I will add more of my own lies I tell myself as I come across them.....

Sh*t Fat People Say (ie. me(Liz of 125 and me in pink)

• Tomorrow will be different
• I’m just going to have one
• My clothes seem to be shrinking
• Yes! I’ve lost weight, I’m a size __ at Gap
• It’s water weight
• McDonalds is my Sunday treat - it isn't McDonald for me, though it use to be - now it is my payday Friday lunch of a good sandwich, chips and snickers (sometimes)
• It’s because my body is in starvation mode
• It’s too cold to run - well I don't run - but I do say this to just go outside!
• I’m too lazy to cook vegetables
• Screw it. I’m taking the last piece of bread on the table
• But the gym is so far
• I am sooooo fat
• Oh! It’s lunch soon - 11am is when this hits for me
• Hmm dinner
• It’s all good, I worked out today, I can eat that
• But the skinny people are eating it
• I wish I’d just wake up skinny
• Side fries please
• Cheat day!
• I’ll start Monday
• This time will be different
• Does that come in black?
• I’m starving
• Did you know you burn more calories chewing celery than you take in?
• But I don’t know how to run
• But chocolate is sooooo goooood
• It’s my metabolism
• I’m so jealous of her metabolism
• My scale must be broken
• I need to diet
• Whatever, I’ll start my diet tomorrow
• Is that low fat?

Added:

• Muscle weighs more than fat
• I don’t have time to workout
• It’s a skinny latte/Frappucino
• The camera adds ten lbs.
• I don’t really look like that in real life!
• That’s a fat mirror…
• This is a skinny mirror.
• I’m just sitting in a weird position.
• If I sit up and turn this way I look skinny.
• I’m just going to have one bite, just one, just a small bite
  I didn’t cheat all week, it must be a plateau
• OMG I can’t wait to get skinny
• When I get skinny I am totally going to (rock that dress, meet a husband, look sooooo good in that, start crossfit)

Any to add? :)

talking to the thin Carolyn

I just had this unusual thought - talk to the thin Carolyn that is hiding. What does she want? She wants to come out, be pretty (well, I am that already!;)), be sexy, by fit - like taking hikes healthy - not gym 'buff' healthy - able to do and enjoy all kinds of activities from swimming to dancing to long hikes. Thin Carolyn has healthy eating habits and has special foods rarely. Thin Carolyn has more energy - Thin Carolyn is me and we are slowly getting there.

aches and pains and therapy

10:00am: I am tired and sore today - all that extra walking yesterday. I loved it last night, walking along Broadway after my first meeting with my therapist felt good. And the meeting with the therapist went well, I have feeling of happiness that I am doing this for myself and relief that finally I will all the pain, anger, hurt out in the open. When I go home last night I wanted to keep things quiet so I didn't turn on the TV, rather I put on music and relaxed - I was tired. I almost fell asleep early but I got into reading some poetry.

2:00pm - I am still really sore and tired. I resorted to taking some excedrin which has a little caffeine in it. I also have been thinking about therapy last night. As I took my little walk to my oak tree on campus memories from HS started chattering around my brain. I just have to keep breathing - there is a lot of pain and anger and hurt that I have been holding onto for 30+ years and now it is going to come out - reminding myself to breath helps the desire for it all to come out at once and consume me especially in tears and rage - and I can't live like that - so I use an image - a bubble - a container - to hold it lovingly  - and so I can let it out slowly - and I can also hold it and honor it by breathing deep and calming and acknowledging it is there. I know have permission to do this - and that is another relief as well. As my eyes tear up thinking of this - I keep telling myself "it is okay" "this is loving me - I love me" and the silence is being broken!

Tonight I am going to a networking event for women entrepreneurs. Even though I am tired I really want to go and network with other women who are starting their own businesses.

So, on the food front I have had chinese - general Tsao chicken, egg roll, ginger lemon cookies and rice chips - all on the bad list.

 I have an idea - I have a big spoon at home - what I am going to do is measure how much it holds or liquid and things like rice and then use it as my portion measure - the spoon is about the size of my palm. this will help me with my portions.

Lastly, Today is Bobbies Burns' birthday - Cheers to the great Scottish Bard! I wish I was having haggis, neepies and taddies - I may have whisky tonight and raise a toast to him.

Lesson 1.a

I am tired. My right knee is a little wanky from the extra walking, but that will improve the more movement I do.  The extra walking i am doing in the morning and afternoon is good, but now it is 4 and I want to take a nap! I am going to my first therapy appointment tonight - so I have to get out of here at 5:00pm on the dot.

I have read more of my 21 spiritual steps - on the subway this morning. I have been turning over in my mind this idea of compulsive eating and addictive behaviors and how maybe I do lie to myself about the food that is bad for me. A and I were talking last night and it was hard for me describe my struggle with food. What is hard for me to be honest about this holding on to the idea that I can still have those foods I love, but in limited ways. Also that I should be ashamed of wanting or enjoying those foods because I am on a diet - deep down I feel that judgment to. I also have the thought pattern around eating out - this comes from growing up and the idea that going out to dinner was treat, a chance to eat something out of the ordinary and special - I still do that. Since I don't make burgers, going out to eat is my chance to have something special I don't always have. Now, I know I have talked about desserts here before, but I had a experience this past weekend eating at a friends house - when she describe the menu, which was delicious, I was waiting for her to say what dessert was - and that when she didn't I go disappointed and kind of shocked - I could hear my brain say "What, no dessert?" - She then included dessert, but in that millisecond of not hearing it this is what my brain went through. So, anyway - The first lesson is looking at a list of emotions - so I will give you an update over the week. The author is talking a lot about fear and facing it by giving it love and seeking healing in relation to the Divine - which I like - so my initial rebellion and bristling feelings aren't so strong.

On the practical side I think addressing portions my next issue - really getting a sense of what a 1/2 cup or cup of something looks like and using those measures instead of guessing - which is what I do now.

catching up

Wow - I have lots going on right now.

First the weekend. GREAT. Snow. great dinner with friend. Watching a movie with my girlfriend and her son. Cooking yesterday. Making my weekly magical candle. A real sense of accomplishment.

Now my heart project - some creative for me. Hearts have been important to me since I beat cancer. It seems that this time of year I get creative about hearts, maybe because of Valentine's Day or because when I was being treated I had a heart project and it happened at this time of year. So here are my new ideas. 1.Water color heart ornament with glitter, of course. 2. fabric hearts with all kinds of lace/beads/ribbons - maybe in the form of a pillow, or ornament, or multiple heart on wire, sculpture like. 3. combination of hearts on a garland. I love dreaming this stuff up and the hearts remind me to love my self deeper today then I did yesterday.

Push back from my eating meditation book. I am having a argument in my head and so having trouble letting go of that lie - that food that is actually bad for me has the power to comfort, nurture and sustain me. I have a couple of things going on - I REALLY bristle inside by what I see as an extreme point about food that is bad for me. It feels like I am being deprogrammed from a cult I don't want to leave. I kept finding excuses this weekend like "food that is bad for me. How can food be bad for me?" and "Define bad food. So I think of all the shouldn'ts eat foods" which then leads to me to think "Any food in moderation or for only special occasions isn't really bad" and in that vain "on those special occasions, when food does hold special meaning, then way doesn't it comfort, nurture and sustain me?" Maybe I have to be pushed to confront the extreme in order to address all of these conflicting ideas about food. I am willing to suspend my bristling to see what the rest of the book has to offer.

On to the walking front. Well, I don't have to get off the 7 train a stop early. It turns out that my switch from the 7 to the G involves me getting of a stop early, in the morning, at Queensboro Plaza and then WALKING to the Court Sq G train stop because they have CLOSED the 7 line station at Court Sq. So, I am getting more walking whether I like it or not - and I will like it as it gets me to walk more.

Unpacking a lie

"The lie is that food that is actually bad for you has the power to comfort, nurture and sustain you." Wow! this hit me.

Even before I started the exercises. I just have to take time a list those bad foods - chips, cake, ice cream, cookies, take out, bread pudding, roast beef sandwiches on kaiser rolls, snickers, pie, fast food, danish, pancakes, bacon and egg sandwiches, marie callendar's chicken pot pies, TGIFriday's smoked glazed chicken, butter, chocolate, rugalucha, whole milk cheese, soda, beer, wine, mixed drinks, - (as I am making this list, I am walking up and down the isles of my local grocery store as if I am shopping) chicken tikka masala, nann, Whole food whoopies pies, cupcakes, samosas, french fries...... I could go on and on - so to get to the other points

These foods don't have the ability to comfort, nurture and sustain me - it is going to take some time for me to wrap my head around this - off the cuff it sounds counter intuitive to me. Part of me says "I like these foods, even love them, when I have them I really enjoy having them. It is the nurture and sustain part that is sticking for me. It is food - it provides calories for our bodies to function it helps keep the body running along with sunlight, water, excercise, sleep, creativity - if you don't have food you die - so the nurture and sustain part is still catching me - I don't have to eat food that is 'bad' for me - but I do have to eat food and I would like to eat food I like.

This one sentence really is getting at a relationship to food.

Comfort is the next word that I keep tumbling over in my mind. There is so much that happens around food and there are many layers to connection between comfort and food. Rituals with preparing food and eating food that can be comforting - it is something I do everyday and there are certain patterns I have with food, some new, some old - that are just part of life. Holidays have there comfort foods - for me it is eggnog stolen chocolate - these are the foods that help make the holidays special for me. There are foods like pancakes and roast beef sandwiches on kaiser rolls that go back to childhood and hold special meaning and cherished memories that perparing and eating brings up and feel good. For me the chips and ice cream that I sometimes buy when I am upset for some reason - or that I want to celebrate something - these are my standard go to comfort foods or binge foods for me.

Okay - so I maybe over thinking this - but I think it is good to sit with the ideas to see where they lead. 

Last thought - why call it bad food - part of me wants either to say unhealthy food - rich food - special occasions food - I want to find a better description so maybe I can have these things I like on special occations and not banish them from my eating repetoire entirely. Okay I get the feeling if I stay in this line of thought I am going to start sounding like a whiney kid.

With all this rational thought - maybe this is something that shouldn't be thought of so rationally or to do exegesis on the sentence (there is a word I haven't used since seminary - exegesis) - but rather spiritually and wait to see what the book has to say.

21 lessons

So I was just reading the introduction on my smart phone when I had an idea. I know that there are exercises with each of the 21 lessons. What I am going to do is do the written exercises here - and I am going to honest with myself here - no hiding! If the excersises are more along the mediation or experiencial line that I will let you know what I experienced.

Already in reading the introduction by Dean Ornish, M.D., he talks about getting to a deeper level of healing - intimate healing. He indicated that it can be difficult to trust and be truly intimate if some has experienced abuse. When I read that the little girl in me - and even the teenager in me got very scared - and I started to panic a little. I had to stop and talk to both of them and reassure them that I would be there for them, I would hold their hands and cry with them and be with them as we go through this healing. Those younger Carolyns faced attempted rape and emotional neglect that is still not healed and they need reassurance that by going deep that there was hope of healing. I said there was that hope - that light at the end of the tunnel.

I want to also note that I will be starting work with a therapist this week and I know I will be talking about all of these issues, trust, intimacy, weight, rape, neglect and finding ways to heal some of it. I have a strong sense of needing to say something about other people involved in past events - that right now I am focused on me and finding healing. Intellectually I can understand their points of view and personal limitations and failings at the time things happened in the past - but that thinking really isn't helping me heal right now and such comments cloud the internal healing process. Until I can get through some of the long held hurt and anger those intellectual understandings hold no meaning for me and when they are said they feel excuses for not standing by me and helping and loving me when I my most injured and vulnerable. So, for now I will hold that process of deeper forgiveness and understanding off to the side in order to focus on me - my feelings, my thoughts, my intimacy and trusting of myself in the healing container of self reflection and therapy.

This is something I am not going to read as bedtime reading, it is not good to try and sleep when things are all stirred up. I think I will try and dedicate a week to each lesson - to  read it - do the excersises and then give it time to sink in or to ruminate on it.

Food for thought

http://www.nytimes.com/2012/01/01/magazine/tara-parker-pope-fat-trap.html?_r=1&emc=eta1

Yes, pun intended! Above is a very good article from January 1 2012 New York Times Magazine that talks about the struggles to lose weight and possible genetic and body "clock" mechanisms that make losing weight so difficult. I recommend you read it.

This article, along with other recent life events, got me thinking - in rather a metaphysical way - I think I have the right word - or as one of my dear friends puts - so WooWoo thinking. So, here goes.

So, as some of you know I have had my second cold of this winter season which has not been fun. As I talked with a friend last night I mention that the cold be regular cold but also a symptom of low energy, muttaled thinking and just feel a bit off during the holiday season. Now, when I talk of energy, I am not just talking about the energy it takes to live our every day life - but the energy of our thoughts, ideas and creativity that effects our everyday life.

Cold brings that energy down - I see this positive creative and imaginative thought process, in my mind's eye, when I am feeling good and happy - as white or glowing warm sunlight.  So again, cold's brings that energy down - so does negative thinking.

This will loop back around to reducing or releaseing weight in a moment.

As I have gotten better from my cold my creative and positive energy has returned.

Now, as I think of this it might seem obvious to me - but many times what seems obvious really isn't.

As part of reducing and releasing weight I no longer need - it is working toward keeping the happy energy and light going in me - food can help fuel that light and to images, thoughts and words. As I have been eating better by cooking my own food - I have begun to feel better. So trying to use positive thoughts about releaseing my weight, and using different words then losing weight (since losing something means that it needs to be found again and so the weight comes back) - but also being aware of the food I eat, the lifestyle I have, the mind set and emotional outlook I have - to get all these things vibrating in the same light or same wave length is an interesting and integrative idea. I also realize how much energy it takes to really pay attention to this and to all the issues around food. As the NY Times article points out - those who have taken off weight and who have kept it off are very vigilant about food and their weight. It becomes a whole way of life to keep the weight off.

Now along these lines I purchased a book today by Marianne Williamson titled A Course in Weight Loss: 21 Spiritual Lessons for Surrending Your Weight Forever. I am trying to read this on my smart phone - I will let you know how it goes.

Somehow this idea of energy for food and releasing weight and over positive life outlook can help in some way to reduce my weight - it is one of many tools to use - it is not the only one to use. And I just keep trying to make more sense of weight and reducing weight and doing it in way in my life that is positive and makes sense.

Gougeres

Another part of my adventure today. They are like puffs with beer as the raising agent. With cheddar cheese and fennel.

Pineapple raspberry bread pudding

Still cooling in the kitchen.

Chicken corn curry chowder

Rainy thursday

Good grief! I woke up this morning and I rarely see it as dark as it was with this mornings rain. I have to confess I took a cab to work because I couldn't face walking in the rain.

This morning I also had to call the landlord because the roof is still leaking and water is running down my walls. I moved my cookbooks this morning. This is the third time this has happened and the landlord hasn't done anything about it. The only thing I can think to do is create a little magic - candle or something else so the roof gets fixed. I do worry about the electric in the bathroom, since the water runs down the wall where the electricity is. Well I just keep calling the landlord until this gets fixed.

I am feeling better. I stopped drinking coffee and I can't say definitely that my winter hibernation was the withdrawal effects, but it could be. Last night I watched a movie - Delovely - with Kevin Kline and Ashley Judd about the life of Cole Porter - all those great songs he wrote! Well, after watching it I went to bed, but I wasn't tired and my mind kept thinking about all kinds of things from work to prayers for good friends. Finally I got to sleep - but I think that is when the tiredness lifted. My body doesn't ache so much today and I definitely feel brighter and more with it.

I have doing the bare minimum with food and such - living off what was in my ice box, which wasn't too bad. But I do have to restock this weekend.

Well back to work - more soon.

January blahs.....

I just want to crawl back under the cover! I don't know that I would call this post holiday blues, cuz the holidays weren't so stressful - other than being sick - part of me feels like I am still trying to play rest catch up and seeking LOTS of quiet, even silence. I turned off the TV last night before Downton Abbey on PBS because i was craving quiet. Then this morning I really had to work to get out the door. I seriously considered not coming to work today and took a couple of extra hours to get out the door. While I am doing okay at work and getting things done - I want to go home and just flop on the bed with the cat. I don't want to cook, clean, pay bills, eat, watch movies, do RTT or Vagina Monologues stuff - I just want to hibernate! So, that is enough for today. I know i will come out of this - but for now I am going to be just where I am......Maybe I should make this my winter nap reverie.

Speeddating update

So, here I am, I just found a new app so I can create posts from my smart phone.

So the evening was a triumph for me. Me, the wall flower in such situations, spoke with 5 people. 2 women and three men. In the conversations we did talk a little about tbe art on the walls. One of the guys was talking to was dismissive of the art despite the claim to know about art. Guy 2 was more open and undrstanding abut. Guy 3 I had thelongest conversation with. About the art whichlead to a discussion about music and then on to what we did for living. I alsochatted with a couple fo women. So I feel god about.the evening. I did have some wine and cbeese and crackers. I was a little intimidated by people coming with frinds and it seems one of the sponors for the event already had a network of people who knew each other. But underterred, I did plunge past my comfort zone.

So. I didn't have much to eat before going, so needless to say I was hungery when I got home, and there I weakened. I got a pint of haggan das ice cream and ate it - all! And then I had a.peanut and butter sandwich. Well, tht blew my ww points out of the water. Well, there is always tomorrow.

Well I do another gallery or similar event I will try not to wait for people to come to me, rather I need to make the first move.

It is hard typing on tis little keyboard but right now I am enjoying the novelty of it.

Here is a pictur of the Empire State building in blue

Good night for now

speed dating tonight

Ladies! I just had a cup of coffee to wake me up and get me through this evening. Last night going to bed I didn't have a clue what I was going to wear - but in the morning I had pulled out 3-4 possibilities which got my excitement going. I decided on my black jacket with blue dragonflies embroidered on it.

So tonight is a gallery set up - no a traditional speed dating deal - so lets see how I do in a completely unknown social setting where I don't know anyone. This should be interesting and just out of comfort zone. Now I am putting a little make up - a little pooff of pixie dust glitter - fragrance and off I go.

On other fronts - I think I am going to try some new recipes this weekend. A savory pie with leeks and bacon and a cheddar biscuit.

Well, I will let you know how it goes!

rethinking exercise

So, the dancing after work on multiple evenings during the week isn't working. So time to rethink exercise. Here is a new plan: Dance one night a week, maybe 2. Take my usual lunch time break to go visit my favorite oak tree and get some fresh air during the day. Get off the subway at night 1 or 2 stops early and walk home (I don't want to do it in the morning because my train get crowded by the time I get to those stops.) I am going to look into private belly dancing lessons so I can get comfortable with the basic moves and won't feel as self conscious in a larger class.

That's all for now.....

Speed dating update

I promised you an update to my speed dating adventure on 12/30. I had lots of fun, drank a gin martini, and met about 11 guys in mini dates of about 5 minutes. No matches, but I am not disheartened. This is an adventure and my goal going into this was to have fun and meet people - so those were happily met. I am going on another speed dating adventure at an art gallery this Friday. This is a little different so I am not quite sure what to expect - but that is the fun of adventure. I will let you know what happens.

Happy New Year

Okay, so I am few days late. I have been spending time with my lovely cat Soma and watching movies and doing a little as possible. I took a bubble bath, on new year's day with my new pink glitter rubber ducky that has changing colored light in it and is sooo cool. I watch things from "A midsummer's night dream" to "Cadfael" and "Topper". On Monday I watched the Rose Parade and more movies.

But now the new year has begun and it is back to work, so back to the healthier routines. I am ready to be back at work with all the rest and lounging about I did. Tonight I will do some zumba with A. I am back to yogurt routine. I am not too worried about my weight - I did gain a little but not much and with all the sickness and colds/flu I had in November and December, I am willing to cut myself some slack. I started back at tracking WW too. I want to really try to keep up with that as just one of the tools that will help me release weight I no longer need.

I was able to get out of the office on the FRIGID day for some fresh COLD air. There were actually a couple of small roses in Pratt's rose garden. I have been into curry lately with my lunch today consisting of curry tuna with apples and raisins.

I saw the movies TinTin with A on New Year's Eve. The 3D is amazing, so is the animation. It is a good adventure stories, not gory or too violent - I really enjoyed it.

So it is back to the regular living routine -