21 lessons

So I was just reading the introduction on my smart phone when I had an idea. I know that there are exercises with each of the 21 lessons. What I am going to do is do the written exercises here - and I am going to honest with myself here - no hiding! If the excersises are more along the mediation or experiencial line that I will let you know what I experienced.

Already in reading the introduction by Dean Ornish, M.D., he talks about getting to a deeper level of healing - intimate healing. He indicated that it can be difficult to trust and be truly intimate if some has experienced abuse. When I read that the little girl in me - and even the teenager in me got very scared - and I started to panic a little. I had to stop and talk to both of them and reassure them that I would be there for them, I would hold their hands and cry with them and be with them as we go through this healing. Those younger Carolyns faced attempted rape and emotional neglect that is still not healed and they need reassurance that by going deep that there was hope of healing. I said there was that hope - that light at the end of the tunnel.

I want to also note that I will be starting work with a therapist this week and I know I will be talking about all of these issues, trust, intimacy, weight, rape, neglect and finding ways to heal some of it. I have a strong sense of needing to say something about other people involved in past events - that right now I am focused on me and finding healing. Intellectually I can understand their points of view and personal limitations and failings at the time things happened in the past - but that thinking really isn't helping me heal right now and such comments cloud the internal healing process. Until I can get through some of the long held hurt and anger those intellectual understandings hold no meaning for me and when they are said they feel excuses for not standing by me and helping and loving me when I my most injured and vulnerable. So, for now I will hold that process of deeper forgiveness and understanding off to the side in order to focus on me - my feelings, my thoughts, my intimacy and trusting of myself in the healing container of self reflection and therapy.

This is something I am not going to read as bedtime reading, it is not good to try and sleep when things are all stirred up. I think I will try and dedicate a week to each lesson - to  read it - do the excersises and then give it time to sink in or to ruminate on it.