Well, here I go again - it is that time of year - getting the CT scan to check my cancer status. Yesterday I panicked, today I am just - well ......this morning I just wanted to cry and now that work is distracting me I am not doing too bad.
Last night I just tried to relax but when I went to bed I was still in a very scared lonely place. I had to really remember to love myself and try to be gentle, because if I went to sleep like that I would wake up in the scared lonely unlovable place. Cancer can really bring up the issues. It took me getting to work and reading positive things that I finally said to myself "Stop, you can't stay in this unlovable scared place - just love yourself in this moment - do just that" So, I am not in the unlovable place - but loving me makes me cry now too.
I did try not to do emotional eating last night but that can be hard when all I want to do is hide under the covers and crumple into a puddle of tears. I also have poems in me, but right now it seems like such an effort to get them out.
so, think of me thursday as I go see the oncologist.....
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