Lesson 1.a

I am tired. My right knee is a little wanky from the extra walking, but that will improve the more movement I do.  The extra walking i am doing in the morning and afternoon is good, but now it is 4 and I want to take a nap! I am going to my first therapy appointment tonight - so I have to get out of here at 5:00pm on the dot.

I have read more of my 21 spiritual steps - on the subway this morning. I have been turning over in my mind this idea of compulsive eating and addictive behaviors and how maybe I do lie to myself about the food that is bad for me. A and I were talking last night and it was hard for me describe my struggle with food. What is hard for me to be honest about this holding on to the idea that I can still have those foods I love, but in limited ways. Also that I should be ashamed of wanting or enjoying those foods because I am on a diet - deep down I feel that judgment to. I also have the thought pattern around eating out - this comes from growing up and the idea that going out to dinner was treat, a chance to eat something out of the ordinary and special - I still do that. Since I don't make burgers, going out to eat is my chance to have something special I don't always have. Now, I know I have talked about desserts here before, but I had a experience this past weekend eating at a friends house - when she describe the menu, which was delicious, I was waiting for her to say what dessert was - and that when she didn't I go disappointed and kind of shocked - I could hear my brain say "What, no dessert?" - She then included dessert, but in that millisecond of not hearing it this is what my brain went through. So, anyway - The first lesson is looking at a list of emotions - so I will give you an update over the week. The author is talking a lot about fear and facing it by giving it love and seeking healing in relation to the Divine - which I like - so my initial rebellion and bristling feelings aren't so strong.

On the practical side I think addressing portions my next issue - really getting a sense of what a 1/2 cup or cup of something looks like and using those measures instead of guessing - which is what I do now.