Shifts in life

Whew! got through the meeting today with no glitches.

Last night went to my therapist and we talked about the doctor appointment and we also started working on the loneliness and hurt of my childhood. I went home I realized I relieved to tell my story and someone honored it by listening but also I touched my little girl Carolyn. At first I just kind of sat with the hurt and sad feelings, to neither push them away or to overwhelm me - though the sorrow did come with some very hurt and lonely tears - but I didn't run away from them. Then I started writing down some of the memories - that  5th grade was a pivotal year when I changed schools and that changed my life. R gives me the inspiration to keep it honest and to bring the uncomfortable things out of the dark and shame and just face them. I am not ready to share them here, but I am encourage that I am bringing them into the light. I also talked last night about forgiveness and how while I have done some forgiving of the past - I have not found peace. To find that peace right now, means being angry and letting all those emotions that I couldn't share out.

But as I was going to bed - I know I had to put myself in a more positive or loving frame of mind - or I was going to wake up upset. Here is what I wrote to myself: Loving the hurt and angry carolyn, letting it be, sitting with the hurt and just it and me as much as I can maybe part of the answer to healing and escaping the box (of my past) - Loving that hurt part doesn't make it go away right now, but it does give me space and room to Love all of me, especially the hurt, lonely, silenced, sad me. Doing that act of loving, embracing me allowed me to get a good nights sleep and wake positive this morning.

As I have thought about that turning point in my life I was thinking how life was from k-4 and then the changes 5th grade brought on. I was particularly thinking about what I felt about my body - and also how other related to me. From k-4 I went to a small school, one class per grade, except 5 and 6 which changed classes. I knew all my classmates, we all progressed together. While I was chubby I never felt ashamed about my body and also I didn't feel so isolated.

In 5th grade we didn't move, but my small school was cut back and my class was force to join a larger elementary school. I lost most of my friends. All of a sudden we were changing for 4 classes a day. I no longer fit in but was bullied and called names. This is the time when I felt that no one had my back and didn't help me, but rather ostracized me. On top of all this I was going through the shift from girl to woman changes body, that my mother was seemed to me ill equipped to deal with. There were probably times earlier when I felt alone in the world but this is a very clear memory I have now and one where I can painfully remember the loneliness. The others may come later. 

So I begin to look back and to tell my story to who ever is listening.