It hasn't felt like a celebration - not having to go through a CT scan and reaffirming I am cancer free. If anything I have wanted hugs today - and have felt my loneliness instead. It stung more when my sister asked me about celebrating - from someone I have a complicate past with and who doesn't understand or maybe know how terribly lonely and feeling unloved I felt as I grew up.
Last night I did have cheddar chips, avocado dip (not guacamole), cupcakes and Drambuie in almond milk (good combination) - this is the celebration part. I did have my leek/bacon/cheese casserole and some quinoa for dinner. I watched the movie "The Great Race" with Tony Curtis/Jack Lemon/Natalie Wood. That really made me laugh. Jack Lemon plays a ridiculous villian with Peter Falk as his sidekick. Finally I settled with my Drambuie and wrote a poem, not about the celebration, but that the other shift that happens away from dealing with cancer all the time.
All of which brings me today.
"You
find peace not by rearranging the circumstances of your life, but by
realizing who you are at the deepest level." Eckhart Tolle
I have tried to go to that deep loving place in me, but the lonely hurt keeps crowding in. What I am trying to do is just let it be and love me as much as I can today. I am not emotionally eating, rather I am sticking to my meal plan for today.
One fun thing I will do tonight is go and pick up my Valentine Cards ~ watch out Papyrus, here I come.....
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