To write this amazing letter was a challenge - to put it in writing for myself, to be honest about fear, to love myself and the messages going through my mind about my skinny and fat me. This may take a few more letters to get through, but this is a good beginning.......
Dear voluptuous Carolyn
This is skinny Carolyn talking here. Hey I am here! Do you
hear me!!! I call you voluptuous because you are – but you have too much
voluptuous. Let’s be honest, you are obese. How long do I have to wait for you
to get healthy and really slim down? I know you have lost 40 pounds, but you
have at least 90 more to go. What your waiting for? The knees hurt and you don’t
have enough energy to do the things you want like hiking and dancing. You have the extra chin - rolls on your back - that extra tummy - and flabby arms! When you do dance you can't do it for long - you tired so easily. And you are headed
for diabetes if we don’t get this weight seriously under control as well as
other health issues that obesity brings. You want to get off those blood
pressure meds right? So what are you waiting for? I am not angry just impatient for you really step up, I mean step up in a big way.
I know you have changed a lot; your eating habits are
healthier, you are walking more, you are tracking your sugar/carbs and salt. You
have cut back on bread. You now have salads at lunch most work days. You have made a lot of changes, but still more needs to be done! You kept the weight off even through a fight with
cancer. These are all wonderful accomplishments and changes. But I want to tell
you, you need to step it up a little – be more consistent with your walking,
especially after work, watch those sugars like a hawk! Maybe you need to start
going back to the gym. Sugar is still a BIG challenge for you – keep working at
it. You are cutting back – cut back more. You still need to shift away from
carbs, eat more beans, less rice. Sweets are your Achilles Heel – if you are
going to have sweets – have a taste/very small amount.
You can’t wait any longer to accomplish this – the time is
NOW! Do what you have to do to get your energy and health back.
Now, I know you are afraid of being skinny. You are afraid
of being vulnerable, attractive, even sexy. You are even afraid to be you,
wonderful, loving, glorious you! You are afraid of what you and others will
think when you are skinny! Sweety – you are so scared of you! I want you to be
me and me you! You deserve it. You deserve to be loved and cherished – and you
deserve to love you! TO LOVE ALL OF YOU! That attempted rape happened so long ago and
now you are working on all those issues for your childhood/adolescences and
rape. You are lovingly yourself to healing.
You know what you also have to stop listening to those who say "Don't get too thin" - what - they want to keep a little fat on you! Right now that sounds like "Don't love all of yourself - you have to stop short of being thin". I will get healthy and trim, you are just going to have to trust me to get to my right weight whether that is 150, 175 or 130 pounds. I can't let other people fear get in the way. I can't let their fear that I will not longer love them because they have extra weight, or that I have gone after my goal and they haven't stop me. Tell them to stop putting obstacles in your way. Tell them to stop worrying about how thin I will be and start worrying about their own weight.
This is a life time journey of work and attention. You have
done a good job so far, but you need to stop hiding, stop being so afraid of yourself
and others. I give you my love - all of it and forever, now you need to love and trust me – let me help
you not be afraid and to start loving yourself even more kindly and fiercely. Invite me to this joyous fun party of you becoming a beautiful, sexy, skinny you. You
are doing this – you will reach your goal. I know you will. I love you and I
hope you will learn to love and trust me so we can have more love to share. Lets hike and dance, love and be fierce, find joy and bliss together.
Love, Skinny Carolyn
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