Its been a while

So, I haven't been chattering here for some time. Today I finally feel like a funk I was in has lifted. The final piece was some truth talking to myself about how the Vagina Monologues went this year. I have been fussing about how I didn't have fun this year - that it felt more like an obligation than fun commitment. I kept focusing on the negative and frustration. Well, last night I said to myself "Enough! - You have a choice Carolyn, you can stay in this negative head space or you can choose to reclaim the positives of the experience and forgive yourself for what you see as your failures." Well, staying negative wasn't working for me, so I chose to be positive. So, this morning I woke up not feeling grumpy, other then getting less sleep than usual, and I really felt gratitude for all the good things in my life. It felt good and positive.

So coming through the last couple of months was like a roller coaster ride, mostly trying to stay positive in the face of my own fears and grumpiness. From my cancer anniversary, to foolish jealousy and stressful Vagina Monologues it felt like I was trying to escape this emotional trap I was in. As I have dealt with each situation to a point of healing the trap has loosened so that now I feel free of it. It has meant working and facing my fears and coming out the other side a little wiser.

So, in other area, I have kept to my new eating pattern of having a salad for lunch most days at work. And I am trying to cut back on the carbs - though for a couple of nights I had Ben and Jerry's ice cream with chocolate sauce (Hence the reason for not getting a good night's sleep last night). Last week I finally got through the pineapple bread pudding in my frig. Now I work on that sweets pattern to get to something healthier.

Now I am getting ready for all kinds of Birthday celebrations. I am going to see if this week I can pick up a scale! That is right I am going to try and make peace with a scale. I have to know if I made any progress with the changes I have made. I was talking with a friend the other night, talking of other things, but especially about eating and habits. I think I will have a 'need to know' relationship with my scale - I will get on it when I need to know if I have made any progress. I don't think I can do every week, let alone every day - that would just freak me out - but maybe once a month, give or take would work - to do when i need to know.

I kind of know I have made progress by these external signs:
A ring that I love I can finally get on - I haven't been able to do this in years
The other ring I wear is lose on my finger
I put on a favorite shirt over the weekend and it was looser in the arms and didn't pull so much around the chest making those embarrassing gaps between buttons.

So let's hope the scale confirms what I already know!