Crazy Thursday

So - I went to WW last night to get weighed - I didn't gain any weight, but I didn't lose any either. But hey - things have been a little crazy emotionally lately. I did get a little grumpy but A and I did a Zumba workout and I felt much batter. I had a pretty good day food wise and I even picked a peach for a midnight snack instead of comfort food usually made up of bread, peanut butter and honey. ACCOMPLISHIMENT - GOOD CHOICE!!

So, my peach choice last night and some of the emotional food choices I have made lately, Ben & Jerry's Ice Creem, Bugle Nacho Chips, to just name 2 leads me to, for the first time here, address emotional eating and how it can sabotage otherwise good food choices.

So, here goes - personal examination of my emotional eating:

When does this happen?:
At night usually. Usually on the way home when I pass the bodega on the corner. This can happen especially if I have some emotional upset that I try to use the food for comfort.

Or it can happen, at night, especially if I have a hankering for ice cream, I go out to the bodega. I will do this usually for a couple of reasons, just have that craving that I want to satisfy or I am celebrating something - anything from a good day to seasonal celebrations.

Why does it happen?:
As I sit here and write, I realize that there are two different patterns that may or may not overlap. I think the overlap is what I choose to eat in these situations.

One emotion is happy celebration, the other emotional upset seeking inner comfort for a real hurt.

So, indulge me and let me muck around in this a little.....I am just going to do a little stream of consciouness here----
emotional eating - hurt - eat for comfort - eating a favorite food like ice cream or chips - over indulge like eat 2 small bags of chips or entire pint of ice cream - don't know when to stop - hurt - eating to hide? - eating to hide from the pain? - afraid of letting the pain be - afraid the pain will get worse/will hurt more if I really feel the pain - not immediately trying to fix it/solve it/or feel better - eating to keep from dealing with the pain and what caused the pain - old pattern to deal with pain by hiding it - go back to childhood or attempted rape - if feeling pain about current hurt also brings up passed pains that remain unresolved (working to find a therapist to begin to resolve past pain) - current pain sling shots me back to other pain -

It is good to write this down and see it - get it out of my head and spill it out here so I think about other things or can now think about some of the deeper issues - versus keeping this in my head where I can't really look at it - it just keeps going around and around....

To A: thanks for offering to let me call you when I get in that emotional eating place - there so many levels to the thank you - but my mind keeps thinking about trying to be vulnerable and truthful about an unhealthy pattern I have - it is support that is hard to ask for because of the vulnerability and trust - but now that it is offered I will try. I know we are supporting each other in different ways, but this means the world to me. To be able to share that hurt place without judgment to someone else, but also for myself - to give myself permission to be vulnerable and to trust. Because lets be honest - for right now - this pattern is here and it isn't a pretty pattern - and I can't avoid it by just not eating those chips and ice cream - I need to get to the emotional root of it. That I have such loving sister/mothers who love me and are helping me to love me too, A,R,P and D - you know who you are. I love that you support me and love me.....