Friday

Lets start with some good things. I put on pants this morning that in the past were a little tight - this morning they aren't!WooWoo! I haven't stepped on a scale in a while but my clothes are telling the story.  It is Friday and payday.

Okay that is where the good ends for right now. Now to other stuff

My apartment and landlord - one of the steam radiators has been putting off too much steam. I tried to close the valve, the landlord came in yesterday and opened it all the way - so when I walked in the door last night there were beads of water running down the walls of my kitchen. So, I turn the valve off and the knock breaks in 1/2 because the damn thing is so old. Again this morning the radiator is hissing up humidity storm and I call the landlord - he told me I should have left the valve open, as in open all the way, that shutting it off backs it up into the boiler - which sounds fishy to me. He did finally turn off the radiator and the heat. At least I won't have small rivers running down my walls. I was so angry when I got home last night at 8:30 and he took his phone off the hook. I tried to go to his apartment but he wasn't answering.

Speaking of being angry - this brings me to dealing with anger and expressing my anger. Just sitting here I realize part of my anger - especially those who don't support me  - I get angry at those who don't support in part because I am still angry at my mother and others for neglecting me as child. Wow - that is a new revelation about me and anger. Also, last night in therapy, beginning to look at all this scary anger - and grief - right now feels like a big scary blob (and in thinking that to myself I thought of my IT - and my weight) - Looking at that anger - I want to cry - not from fear or anxiety but out of deep grief and disappointment - of how much anger I had to stuff and not express as a child and adolescent. One image my therapist suggested I hold was that of when Little C's anger was right and good, before I learned silence and stuffing anger - that the anger from way back then is a warning signal that something was wrong - and I knew something was wrong. Anger is still a good signal that something is wrong - it is finding the root of what is wrong and using anger's energy to find a solution. But it also seems that, as my revelation today might suggest, angers also hides things too - so it is important to find the right way to use anger....

So, I do have to end on a lighter note. I added some charms to my magical heart bracelet - and one of the charms that can open and close. So I put some glitter in it - so the glitter girl could always have a little magic dust on her at all times - Well the heart charm hasn't opened - but glitter is escaping so when I find little bits of glitter, I put in my hair!!! this makes me feel good and secretly silly......

Happy Friday........................