Ups and Downs

I am not sure where to begin. I haven't written in maybe a week - and so much goes on.

I did something kind of stupid yesterday I forgot my bosses boss called and I forgot to tell my boss and I haven't had a chance to tell him today - it is turning my guts - I have a bad attack of the guilts. My boss even asked me yesterday and I couldn't remember! ugh! Damn I beat myself inside - I just hate when this happens. I know that we make mistakes and such but I always feel so badly - this a good time to do a little self forgiveness.

I have been keeping to my general eating routine. Oh! I must say I am a little proud of myself. Sunday I had the chance to eat potato chips and I pass it up! Then in the evening I thought of having ice cream and decided against it. I did indulge in cheese cracker Combos after my therapy session on Tuesday, but that is a day things get thrown off because I am traveling a dinner time and don't get home until late.

I haven't been doing my walking, well last night I did on the way home because it was such a lovely warm March evening. When I got out of the subway switch to the 7 it was still light out which cheered me up. But my wanky knee was getting better and now not feeling so well. It stiffens up when I sit - I try to keep it straight under my desk and that helps. Once I get moving I am okay, but it is that inital standing up that the behind my knee aches and feels weak. It doesn't hurt as I am sitting and feels better after a good nights sleep. I keep walking to keep it limber, but I can't walk fast right now - which is okay for me - compared to other NYers I am a slow walker.

I am thinking of getting of WW and using another app for my phone to track food and exercise. Right now for me to spend $40 a month for meetings I am not going to and for their proprietary app is money I could use else where.

I feel I do have to write a little about healing my pain from the past, because for me, right now, it is so very close to the surface. Tuesday evenings generally leave me drained and tired. While it feels good to share all the stories and pain, it hurts too - a lot. The tears of grieving would come so well if I didn't keep myself occupied. The fact that I now have a safe place to tell the story and at night to remind myself that I love me more than anyone else could gives me hope. But I also feel a great lose for all the love I do have that never knew how to be expressed until now. Certainly I loved in the past but it was half/unaware love. Now that I know my own love better I see great hope for opportunity but also sorrow for all the loneliness and fear.