A really good day

So the stars have aligned for me today: I am wearing a pretty dress for the warm weather, I have gotten things done today and I had a good therapy session, which definitely has helped this good feeling.

Last night we talked about fear, and as a side though connected, anger, and how it always seems so huge and unmanageable to me - big fears that overwhelm me. The lesson is that Big fear is made up of lots of little fears that come from different place, different experiences and perceptions that then coalesce into an overwhelming fear. So here is a little taste of the Big Fear: I am afraid of being obese will lead to diabetes and dementia (because that is how my mom's dementia accelerated) - so the little fears: afraid of being alone, afraid of the future, afraid of being vulnerable, afraid of going to the dr. and having tests, afraid of what the tests will say, and on and on - it becomes like a dog constantly chasing it's tail or fractals that keep going on and on and on......and while these all gang up into one big fear - or ride the coat tales of one fear - taking apart the Big Fear seems to make the little fears more manageable - kind of like divide and conquer.

Last night me therapist also paid me a huge compliment - and that is also fueling my happiness today. She said that despite all the crap that I have gone through and that I have had to rely on myself much of the time - that reliance has helped me overcome things to be confident and creative (I think I am adding this because it feels right for me).

Today it feels like a weight has been lifted off of me. The weight is not just the insights about fear and anger, but also that she gets my story! She understands all the hurt and pain that I have carried around for all these years. She understands the dynamics of my situation. The lightness also comes from my story being heard and understood and honored. It feels good finally begin to get all of that out and all of it heard and understood.....

I think we next start looking at those various pieces of fear and anger and loneliness. I have been considering how to work poetry into the process and haven't quite figured it out. It is hard enough writing from the depths of such emotions - I feel now that I have some perspective that poetry writing about some of these topics will be easier.

Still testing Lose It! So far I like it and am finding it has more information that WW. I have put in some of my favorite recipes and still have more to switch over. I also have to add some foods that aren't coming up in their database - over all I have high praise for the app and the on-line version. Now, my next step maybe to buy a scale - YIKES - I haven't had one for, lets say, decades! Big Breath - breath in and out - this is a little out of my comfort zone but maybe this is a good thing.......