I have to share this.....

A wise friend once said happiness is more often obtained when our expectations are in line with and changes with reality. I think we often operate under false hopes or we're thinking about how things were in the past. When we see life for how it really is around us and we adjust our behavior, decisions and wishes accordingly, there's a greater chance we will be pleased with how our lives are progressing. from Jai Pausch Her new book is Dream New Dreams: Reimagining My Life After Loss, This helps me realize that while reality changes and that I need to adjust my expectations to new realities - that I also don't have to let go of the dreams I am working on because of those changes.

Doctor visits and freaking out

So, it is Monday and the boss is on vacation. I went to get my yearly blood work done and a visit to my OBGYN doctor. My blood pressure was 122/83 even though I was freaking out about being a the doctor. Oh well, there goes that white coat syndrome. I have gained a little weight, 6 pounds, so I have to get back to counting/tracking. I have never been a fan of going to the doctor, but since being treated for cancer, it has become more stressful. It is a challenge calming the panic that happens when I go to the doctor. I am getting used to asking them to take my blood pressure manually instead of using that damned machine which I don't like because it squeezes for too long. I thanked the nurse for doing it manually, even thought she seemed a little miffed, and we joked about that machine. Next step is to get the results from the urine/blood tests. I am worried about having blood in the urine, an indication of possible kidney stone and my blood sugar. The next test is to get my mammogram done - that doesn't freak me out. Saw the movie Magic Mike this weekend - I wouldn't recommend seeing it - the male stripper dance routines were good and certainly enjoyable to watch - but other it wasn't worth it. Luckily, someone else paid for the tickets. That is all for now.

struggling with doubt

So, the wedding is over, the 4th of July has come and gone - and now I am freaking out - well maybe not that dramatic - but I am certainly struggling with doubt, especially doubt about finding that special someone, Womanspace and NYC Red Tent Temple. Daily, sometimes moment by moment, I let go, and try to be in the moment only to have the doubt and fear resurface. I know the doubt and anxiety want me to worry and go back to victimhood - maybe because I know it so well. I have vowed to myself that I will not go back there, but staying in the faithful confident place is hard too. I am working to stop doubt and keep open, calm and flowing feels like so much work. I have lots of insights and understanding, however, putting those ideas into practice takes lots of work and commitment. There are times when i want to wilt and cry for the enormity of the task - just a little give up time - or maybe little reset cry before gathering my strength again. Over the last few days I have really have been able to step beyond the doubt only to have it flare up again in front of me. Even just sitting here and sharing with you helps me to reclaim the calm. Anxiety is a delicate balance - there is good in it - that pushes me to get things done and keep on top of things. But when it gets to be too much. But right I now I kind of disagree with that - I think it is a delicate balance between following through on a passion - doing something for the hope, excitement and joy of creating something and letting that passion turn to panic through mistrust. This is all I can babble about right now - I feel better having babbled....

Hello again!

Well, it has been a little over a month since last writing and A LOT has gone on. Here is a quick recap: I don't know if I said it here in my blog - I lost 13 pounds as of the middle of May. I found out when I finally went to my yearly check up with my doctor. I suspect I have lost a little more since then. I know I can't eat as much as I used to. I went to have a burger at my local irish pub and I could barely finish the burger. BAM - that is a sign of progres... Where Women Gather: women's retreat/conference in PA that always leaves me feeling refreshed and reconnected to wonderful earthy goddess women. I went with a girlfriend Deb and had a wonderful restful time.

Started talking with another guy #2. We got to talking on the phone but I realized he wasn't listening to me. Another one who within a week had fallen in love with me without meeting me. This one was a construction engineer. I finally sent him a very frank final email detailing my concerns - and he still didn't get it - so good bye - besides I had a wedding to prepare for the forced me to shift my focus.

On 6/16 I met with old and new friends to see Judy Chicago's "The Dinner Party" at the Brooklyn Museum with the NYC Red Tent Temple. We had a great time, where inspired and found a neat little Chinese/Japanese restaurant to have a little repast and a long chat about all kinds of wonderful things. 

Which brings me to the wedding - wow, what a lot of work. While I took a week's vacation to prepare, it was a week filled with things to finish, everything from sewing my jacket to finishing the ceremony. All went very well. I received nothing but praise for guiding Emily and Mikey through the ceremony, especially from my family. I was exhausted afterward for a few days. Now I am back on my feet and feeling fine.

I am looking forward to seeing "Brave" this evening with a friend and escaping the heat this weekend by staying home and working on little projects that I now have some time give to them like painting a scarf for a friend who has breast cancer, taking in some clothes because they are too big on me and starting to fall off, and other little at home projects. I have some good movies for the weekend, Ninotchka and Casablanca and I have some patriot movies on the way for next week, 1776, Yankee Doddle Dandy and Mr. Smith goes to Washington.

On the spiritual/psychological side, I know things are slowly shifting and I am feeling my old confidence coming back. This really has taken a hit of the last 10 years or so - so it feels good to be stepping out and putting myself out there in such a positive way, even if it is in small steps right now. Especially connecting with more women and continuing to work at bring my dreams into reality.

I had a dream last night that I was doing a solo song/dance routine in front of hundreds of people and I was totally out there - I heard or said the words "I touch me - I see me - I taste me - I hear me - I smell me" all to this very bouncy effervescent music. I got up in the middle of the night and wrote it down because I didn't want to forget it.

Stay cool this weekend.

Wash that man right out of my hair

Okay, so I haven't written lately. I feel like I was caught in this mini-flirting-gone-wrong time warp.
So to bring you up to date really quick - guy emails me via meetup.com-we start emailing then texting-we try to meet but he doesn't show-he explains I forgive-he is supposedly out of the country for 3 weeks so we can't meet-we continue to text-yesterday he texted me tosee if I could send him $700-I say no- today he asks if we are still good-I say no and end it.
So, today I was feeling rather moppy and upset. Part of me questions "what if".  Last night I saw my therapist. And as this is going on I pulled a muscle in my back. Well, now he is gone and so to is much of my back pain.
As I was taking my bedtime show I decided a few things:
1. Not to do romantic talk/text/email during work
2. Always be myself - I know this seems obvious but I was starting to build defenses to this guy and that isn't good
3.  To feel love for myself I am playing my sinatra play list and tomorrow I am going to wear a nice dress to work (during my shower I decided to shave). I've got to much to do to feel bad about the situation. Time to love myself and get up and do things I love.......
A further thought came to me - that I had enter victimhood. As such I think I will make another rule to follow - you can't make the first date that's it, no second chances. By allowing this guy a second chance I wasn't respecting myself. I already had my defenses up against getting hurt when the first date was missed and I can't start a relationship from a defensive position.
To the guy: if you don't have the curtesy and respect for time and simple commitment to keep a first date then you aren't worth a second try....

Heart project xmas ornament

Here is the final result for my first heart xmas ornament

Here are some additional photos that shows the progress

dealing with a bad back

What a difference a day can make. Yesterday I was horizontal on a heating pad - today at least I am at work and in not too back discomfort. The culprit - my back. I did freak out a little - getting scared that this would not ease - but it has - thankfully. So there is that news.

Otherwise I had a great weekend of full moon ceremonies and workshops and long chats with friends - a good weekend, except for my back.

And I think I have a date!!! on Sunday - brunch with a guy who grew up in England, in Cambridge. I am not getting out ahead of myself - just working at keeping it grounded in the present. I will let you know what happens.