Hello again!

Well, it has been a little over a month since last writing and A LOT has gone on. Here is a quick recap: I don't know if I said it here in my blog - I lost 13 pounds as of the middle of May. I found out when I finally went to my yearly check up with my doctor. I suspect I have lost a little more since then. I know I can't eat as much as I used to. I went to have a burger at my local irish pub and I could barely finish the burger. BAM - that is a sign of progres... Where Women Gather: women's retreat/conference in PA that always leaves me feeling refreshed and reconnected to wonderful earthy goddess women. I went with a girlfriend Deb and had a wonderful restful time.

Started talking with another guy #2. We got to talking on the phone but I realized he wasn't listening to me. Another one who within a week had fallen in love with me without meeting me. This one was a construction engineer. I finally sent him a very frank final email detailing my concerns - and he still didn't get it - so good bye - besides I had a wedding to prepare for the forced me to shift my focus.

On 6/16 I met with old and new friends to see Judy Chicago's "The Dinner Party" at the Brooklyn Museum with the NYC Red Tent Temple. We had a great time, where inspired and found a neat little Chinese/Japanese restaurant to have a little repast and a long chat about all kinds of wonderful things. 

Which brings me to the wedding - wow, what a lot of work. While I took a week's vacation to prepare, it was a week filled with things to finish, everything from sewing my jacket to finishing the ceremony. All went very well. I received nothing but praise for guiding Emily and Mikey through the ceremony, especially from my family. I was exhausted afterward for a few days. Now I am back on my feet and feeling fine.

I am looking forward to seeing "Brave" this evening with a friend and escaping the heat this weekend by staying home and working on little projects that I now have some time give to them like painting a scarf for a friend who has breast cancer, taking in some clothes because they are too big on me and starting to fall off, and other little at home projects. I have some good movies for the weekend, Ninotchka and Casablanca and I have some patriot movies on the way for next week, 1776, Yankee Doddle Dandy and Mr. Smith goes to Washington.

On the spiritual/psychological side, I know things are slowly shifting and I am feeling my old confidence coming back. This really has taken a hit of the last 10 years or so - so it feels good to be stepping out and putting myself out there in such a positive way, even if it is in small steps right now. Especially connecting with more women and continuing to work at bring my dreams into reality.

I had a dream last night that I was doing a solo song/dance routine in front of hundreds of people and I was totally out there - I heard or said the words "I touch me - I see me - I taste me - I hear me - I smell me" all to this very bouncy effervescent music. I got up in the middle of the night and wrote it down because I didn't want to forget it.

Stay cool this weekend.

Wash that man right out of my hair

Okay, so I haven't written lately. I feel like I was caught in this mini-flirting-gone-wrong time warp.
So to bring you up to date really quick - guy emails me via meetup.com-we start emailing then texting-we try to meet but he doesn't show-he explains I forgive-he is supposedly out of the country for 3 weeks so we can't meet-we continue to text-yesterday he texted me tosee if I could send him $700-I say no- today he asks if we are still good-I say no and end it.
So, today I was feeling rather moppy and upset. Part of me questions "what if".  Last night I saw my therapist. And as this is going on I pulled a muscle in my back. Well, now he is gone and so to is much of my back pain.
As I was taking my bedtime show I decided a few things:
1. Not to do romantic talk/text/email during work
2. Always be myself - I know this seems obvious but I was starting to build defenses to this guy and that isn't good
3.  To feel love for myself I am playing my sinatra play list and tomorrow I am going to wear a nice dress to work (during my shower I decided to shave). I've got to much to do to feel bad about the situation. Time to love myself and get up and do things I love.......
A further thought came to me - that I had enter victimhood. As such I think I will make another rule to follow - you can't make the first date that's it, no second chances. By allowing this guy a second chance I wasn't respecting myself. I already had my defenses up against getting hurt when the first date was missed and I can't start a relationship from a defensive position.
To the guy: if you don't have the curtesy and respect for time and simple commitment to keep a first date then you aren't worth a second try....

Heart project xmas ornament

Here is the final result for my first heart xmas ornament

Here are some additional photos that shows the progress

dealing with a bad back

What a difference a day can make. Yesterday I was horizontal on a heating pad - today at least I am at work and in not too back discomfort. The culprit - my back. I did freak out a little - getting scared that this would not ease - but it has - thankfully. So there is that news.

Otherwise I had a great weekend of full moon ceremonies and workshops and long chats with friends - a good weekend, except for my back.

And I think I have a date!!! on Sunday - brunch with a guy who grew up in England, in Cambridge. I am not getting out ahead of myself - just working at keeping it grounded in the present. I will let you know what happens.

Friday

I let myself sleep in this morning, then I took my time getting ready. I even had a pep talk in the mirror "Carolyn, you are going to be fine. I know you are scared. You don't like going to doctors. This is a doctor you like. I love you. *wink and smile*. Goddess is right here with you - let go and trust her and things will be okay and don't forget to ask for the manual blood pressure machine"

Pep talk over - I have 'Mommy/Soma' brushing time in the morning which always lightens my mood. I put on my coat and scarf because some how my neck always gets cold - I put in my ear buds to listen to Beethoven and remind myself I games to play and books to ready if I begin to get anxious.

All went well until I got to the doctor office and they tell me the appointment is canceled, and that I canceled it.

I try not to make too much of a snit - but the mistake was theirs. I got an new appointment in June and went outside to the Union Square Farmers Market and took pictures of pretty flowers to calm down. I got some really nice pictures. Then I came to work. The one good up side of this is that I save $30 that I can use for something else over what is becoming a very busy weekend.

Getting out of my own way

Dearest Goddess,
Your patience and love are a blessings. As I say my evening prayers to you I reflect back on my day. Thank you for helping me through and emotionally draining day.  Again and again you show your love me in the love around from precious friends. As my friends show up and love my whole body aches with amazement, as I have not know such love a very long time. Whether it is a phone call from a best friend with words of love and encouragement, especially dealing with difficult feeling. I am blessed and amazed by the simple miracle to me of them showing up, listening to me and loving holding me in love no matter where I am at the moment. They show up, they can and they are willing to listen, talk, and help move and shift things. They are true blessings in my life, and I think my body aches as I let go of old patterns and begin to open and stretch myself to yours and their love. As I stretch I can love more and let more love it.

Goddess, I again open to you as I ask for your divine direction and guidance, I seem to have trouble getting the last part od my market analysis done. I put this in your hands and let my ego and limited acts step aside. If you want me to finish this, show me the path for this step in creating womanspace. When I am able to let go, I feel your calm fill me so I need not worry.

Now, I must sleep, and do so with a smile for all your blessings that are in and around me tonight, too many blessings to mention.

Always in love affection and loving letting go,
Carolyn

Dearest Sweet Carolyn,
You are remarkable! I know this morning you woke up groggy and blue. Soma didn't like last night's thunder storms and did her crazy cat thing in the middle of the night and you found out a co-worker, who has been a good supportive friend, is leaving for another job, and it was a gray, rainy morning, always hard for you to get going.

So lets talk - JP maybe going to a new job and you will miss him, but this does not necessarily mean your friendship will end. He now lives in your neighborhood and maybe you can go out for a couple of beers. You do see a possible future, but trust me, if the friendship is meant to last it will. I am honored that you let me deal with this and you made that choice on your way to work so the blues won't ruin your day.

I am so proud of you. You make the commitment each day  to open your a little more and trust a little more. I know it takes work and practice and I am right there with you in and through each breath, each choice, each subtle intuition. You are so precious to me and I love you. I love to see your eyes smile, especially in the morning when you make a conscious effort to love yourself in the mirror, looking for that love spark that is so uniquely yours.

Always in the Brightness that surrounds you,
Goddess Bridgit